The Kanker Conspiracy
by E1craZ4life
Summary: The kids have returned from their escapade to Mondo a-Go Go and are beginning their new lives. But evil forces from beyond have other plans in store for them. At the same time, disturbing secrets are disclosed, revealing a baffling explanation behind the events transpiring over the last two years.
1. Part 1, Chapter 1

**Part I: Easy Come, Easy Ed**  
Chapter One

* * *

"A public transport bus en route from Peach Creek to Seattle was hijacked yesterday by an unknown entity. The bus was driven all through the night with 20 people on board without so much as a refueling stop. The hijackers relinquished the bus within the bounds of an amusement park in the Seattle area at around 9:30 this morning. There have been no reported injuries amongst the passengers.  
"The passengers described the hijacker as being 15 inches tall with a red and blue smiley face. Some believe a 12-year-old boy with a watermelon rind on his head may have also been involved. Police have yet to confirm the identity of either suspect and are now conducting background checks of each passenger for any history of mental illness that could contribute to the unusual reports.  
"Police have found no witnesses at the suspect's presumed destination, at the Mondo a-Go Go amusement park. The park's manager, 26-year-old Matthew Daniel McGee, was found in his trailer with a concussion and lipstick impressions all over his body. Although he claims to have seen a group of children from his old neighborhood in Peach Creek on his doorstep, including his younger brother, he said that none of them matched the description of the bus hijacker and he has no recollection of there ever being a bus in the park.  
"At the time of the hijacking, police in Peach Creek were in the midst of investigating a bizarre occurrence at Rethink Avenue, which appeared to be a street vehicle accident. Adult residents were not present to witness the event unfolding but did note that their children were unaccounted for for 24 hours after the time established to have been when the incident happened. The children were found just under an hour ago returning to the neighborhood, and they too have no information pertaining to the mysterious wreck in the cul-de-sac."

A hand closed the radio's cassette tray, cutting off the rest of the news broadcast and replacing it with disco music.

"Let's get this party started!" The 14-year-old jock hopped down from the chair he was using to get the radio on the shelf and tuned to the right station.

The seven other kids present started dancing to the music as their host brought out jawbreakers for everyone. The three stars of the party got their share of jawbreakers first.

Edward Horace Winters was a dimwitted horror film and comic book addict. He was notorious among his peers for his extreme strength, embracement of filth, and his inhuman palate. At a high stature, he was the oldest and heaviest of the three newly cool trio of boys.

Edward Marion Daubeldi was almost the exact opposite; he was a physically weak, but highly intelligent neat freak. The only son of a British couple, he was the youngest and healthiest of the three boys. Despite his superlative social skills, there was always the question of why he always wears a hat.

Edward Skipper McGee was the unofficial leader of the group. He was short for his age as well as slightly overweight, though not grotesquely so like his lumpy friend. Today was the first day of his life that the kids in the neighborhood became friends with him, and this party was celebrating just that.

For the last two years, the three boys (nicknamed Ed, Edd, n Eddy respectively) had been developing a myriad of scams to make money off of their peers to purchase their favorite candy: jawbreakers. These ideas typically ended badly, and the kids tended to be less than friendly toward them because of that.

In fact, just the day before, the Eds set up a scam that nearly killed almost all of the kids in Peach Creek. The Eds were then chased out of Peach Creek and all the way to Seattle, where Eddy's brother lived.

Eddy's brother was a mysterious figure among the children of Peach Creek, credited by Eddy to many accomplishments, such as ruling over most if not all of the neighborhood's residents, being a professional con artist, even teaching his younger brother on being a scammer like himself.

As it turned out, the net of esteeming stories woven by Eddy about his brother was merely concocted as a means of covering up insecurity from years of sadistic torture and merciless humiliation inflicted by him. As such, Eddy had grown up believing that scamming was the only way to get respect from anyone.

This mindset backfired in ways no one could have imagined possible, and the Eds nearly paid their lives for it. But once the kids realized the reason for this behavior, and realized that Eddy only wanted to be liked by the people around him, they were quick to embrace the Eds with open arms.

The Eds returned to the dance floor, jawbreakers in cheek, and the rest of the kids got their treats one by one.

First up was the youngest boy with the large retainer. James Hansen, better known as Jimmy, had a reputation for being accident prone. He broke his teeth from one of Eddy's scams, and he has worn bandages and casts almost every day since then. Eddy had once trained him on being a scammer like him, and he has used those lessons well.

His little guardian went after him. Sarah Winters, Ed's younger sister, was notorious for her spoiled nature, her tendency to yell very frequently, and her ability to give anyone a hard time as she wished. She had bossed her brother around every day for years, always being the preferred child among her parents.

The tallest and oldest kid in the neighborhood was next. Rolf Sheppard moved to Peach Creek with his family from an overseas country with many unusual customs. Despite his awkward interactions with his peers, he has gotten along very well with the kids around him. He was now taking to establishing a true friendship with the Eds.

He was followed by the blond girl. Nazz van Bartonschmeer was the head of the school's cheerleading squad and was the object of many boys' affections, including the Eds'. She had at one point been extremely overweight until she was driven to work out in order to pursue her dream of cheerleading.

And lastly was the host of the party. Kevin Dorn was wildly popular among the kids of the neighborhood, being a star athlete and his father working at the local jawbreaker factory. He was the most resentful against the Eds' scamming nature, and Eddy's jealousy of him emphasized that. But now, they were taking steps to put it all behind them.

The kids all took to dancing together to the music as they sucked on their spherical candies.

* * *

The party dragged on well into the evening. Only when the last of the candy cores was chewed up and eaten did anyone realize that it was almost 11:00 PM.

"Whoa, we should really start heading home, dudes."

"I've never stayed up this late."

"It's okay, Jimmy. I can walk you home."

"Does baby sister need a walk home, too?"

"Oh, Ed. I can walk you home after we take Jimmy home."

"Hey, it's been a great time having you guys over."

"Why, thank you, Kevin. It's been a tremendous pleasure for you to invite us to your humble abode."

"Don't sweat it, Double D."

"I do believe we should make haste for home now; it's already well past curfew for many of us."

"Yeah. Later, Kev."

"See you guys tomorrow."

"Bye."

"Rolf awaits your company in the morning, Ed-boys."

"We'll be there, Stretch. Alright, you good with your sister there, Lumpy?"

"Yep."

"Alright. See ya tomorrow, Sockhead."

"Good night, Eddy."

* * *

As the children entered their homes, a shadowy figure emerged from a manhole in the street. A large squash emerged, revealing itself to be mounted atop a rather large head. A piece of wood followed after the boy, shutting the cover behind it.

The mysterious figure was Jonny Toubai-Fower. Formerly a mere nuisance to the kids of Peach Creek, now an outcast like the Eds had once been. By day, he hid in an underground lair spying on the unsuspecting kids. By night, he emerged as The Gourd, out to seek revenge on the cul-de-sac for ostracizing him.

Tagging beside him was his wooden friend, Plank Wood. No one could ever agree on whether or not Plank was a sentient being, seeing as he was a piece of wood with a drawn-on crayon face. But there were mysterious occurrences surrounding the wood that seemed explainable only by Plank being a sentient being.

"It's that time, Timber. We now have our chance to seize revenge upon the entirety of the cul-de-sac. What's that?"

He gave a pause as his friend "spoke" to him.

"Do you think it'll work? … Well, the first challenge will be to avoid falling victim to what they have up their sleeves."

As he spoke, he made a stealthy dash for the lane. "Yes, I remember quite well the day you were taken hostage to them and I had to rescue you." He shimmied along one of the fences. "Yes, I'm sure they won't take kindly to talking to someone like me."

He vaulted over a fence into the woods behind the cul-de-sac and darted through the trees. "Well, as long as we're still en route, we might as well come up with a way to talk to them and see what we can accomplish with them."

He saw his target in a clearing, and made his way towards it, hiding behind doghouses, garbage cans, cars, and firepits to avoid detection from nearby residents.

But as he honed in on his target, he found that the people he was looking for were nowhere to be found.


	2. Part 1, Chapter 2

**Part I: Easy Come, Easy Ed**  
Chapter Two

* * *

Ed was asleep in his basement. It was cold and damp, allowing various types of fungus to colonize the space surrounding him. Comic books and VHS tapes littered the floor of the room, obstructing the view of an 8" television, and a barbell on the floor impeded access to a work desk with model rockets and monsters.

The clutter facilitated camouflage techniques for a buck-toothed blonde hiding behind a turkey-filled couch.

At the same time, the situation was the complete opposite for Edd. His floor was clean and sterilized, and all of his furniture was lining the walls of the room. Labels adhered to every surface and object in the room, and a myriad of anatomy posters and celestial charts and mockups were displayed on the walls and ceiling.

Though it was difficult to hide in the room, a blue-haired girl didn't have to worry about stepping on anything.

Eddy's room, while somewhat messy, wasn't a biohazard like Ed's. His vanity mirror desk was littered with decor, his lava lamp was surrounded by sticky tissues, and his dresser was slightly crooked from the wall. Magazines were laying around the place, a disco ball hung from the ceiling, and a record player stood on the dresser.

It was a difficult environment for a curly-haired redhead to navigate undetected, but she managed to accomplish her goal.

* * *

The next morning unfolded like any other. Edd was the first one out of bed, being an early riser by nature. He made his bed and picked out his clothes for the day; a red polo shirt, black polyester T-shirt, red yoga pants, purple cargo shorts, red socks, aqua shoes, and his designated toboggan hat for the day of the week.

He rounded up supplies for his morning shower and headed for his bathroom. He laid his clothes atop the closed toilet seat, hung his bathrobe on the door, started the water running, and stepped into the steaming, sprinkling waterfall.

At the same time, Ed started to stir from his sleep and rolled off of his crumbling mattress. He shook himself awake and got on his clothes; a candy-striped turtleneck, double-layered jeans, a green Naugahyde jacket, a pair of gray stale socks, and heavy-duty black boots.

Sarah had woken up early to treat her brother with breakfast; four slices of buttered toast with gravy and a big bowl of Chunky Puffs. She finished preparing the food when Ed reached the top of the stairs. He sat down and started eating his breakfast, all the while engaging his first friendly talk with his little sister.

Edd finished his shower and started getting dressed before making his own breakfast; a slice of grapefruit complete with a bagel and cream cheese. Once he was finished, he set about checking the house for sticky notes from his parents.

Eddy was never known to be a morning person, and so he was the last of the three Eds to wake up that day. He went straight for his bathroom and started up the shower. As he soaped himself down with steam all around him, he started wondering how different his life would be now that he had put his entire past behind him and was now friends with almost everyone in the neighborhood.

Ed finished up his breakfast, and Edd finished his search for sticky notes in which he found nothing fresh. The two met up at Eddy's house and waited for him to finish getting ready for the day.

He emerged from the shower about ten minutes after Ed and Edd arrived. He dried off and got his clothes on; a yellow bowling shirt with a purple collar and sleeve cuffs and a red stripe, a pair of light jeans, white tube socks, and red sneakers.

"Alright, boys. You ready for today?"

"I am cool like a cabbage, Eddy!"

"Let us proceed to the cul-de-sac!"

"Last one there's a rotten Ed!" Eddy took off out the door, with Ed and Edd following close behind him.

* * *

The five other kids were waiting for them in the bulb of the dead end road. They had been talking with each other for some time, and when they caught sight of the Eds walking toward them, they waved and greeted them.

"Ed-boys! Your appearance is timely like Rolf's onion crops."

"'Sup, Eds?" Kevin waved the Eds to the group.

Edd paused at the threshold of the group. "I hope nobody had too much trouble last night."

"We were going to head over to the Lane to do some 'treasure hunting'."

Ed jumped for joy. "Oh boy oh boy oh boy!"

"Hm." Edd pondered this. "Yes, I'm sure there will be plenty to find there."

Sarah and Jimmy were curious as to what had happened two days ago. "Well, let's go see what's out there."

Eddy gave a soft laugh. "Trust me, this'll probably be the craziest thing you've ever seen."

"Even crazier than us going back to school last year?"

Everyone else nodded. "Even crazier."

As they headed off for their treasure hunting, the eight children were completely unaware that they were being watched.

* * *

"This is just getting more and more confusing, Plank."

Jonny retracted his periscope and sat down at his desk with Plank.

"Our Plan A was foiled by the necessary people being AWOL, and our Plan B was foiled by our bait items being missing. What's that?"

He paused to listen to his friend.

"You think someone else has the same plan that we do? Who do you think it could be?"

He got up from his chair and picked up Plank.

"But how would they make off with all of that stuff without anyone noticing?"

He got out his periscope to assess the conditions outside.

"Well, they're probably back by now. If they do have what we were looking for, they should be there."

A quick survey of the cul-de-sac confirmed that the kids and the Eds were all in the Lane exploring the wreck from the day before yesterday.

"Yeah, we don't need anything from the Lane right now. At least we know we won't run into any of them soon."

He started digging tunnels toward the trailer park, all the while dragging Plank behind him.

"What do you mean 'Do I know where I'm going?'? I'm a professional gopher."

They continued digging for twelve minutes before they reached an open crater.

"Wow. Someone already dug an exit hole under the trailer. Right on."

He scrambled up to the top of the hole and squeezed out from under the trailer on top of the hole.

"Alright. We found the right trailer. Let's see what we can find here."

They walked around the outside of the trailer and found an envelope sealed with wax taped to the front door.

"'EEnE'. What could that mean?"

He didn't get too far in his thought process before footsteps scared him away.


	3. Part 1, Chapter 3

**Part I: Easy Come, Easy Ed**  
Chapter Three

* * *

"What... in... the... world?"

Sarah and Jimmy walked out of the Lane mortified. The six older kids followed them out.

"Yes, this was a rather bizarre convergence of circumstances."

Nazz looked over Edd's notes. "So, this whole thing started with a lemonade stand?"

"An unconventionally designed lemonade stand, yes."

"Rolf has never seen animal traps used to extract nectar from lemons."

Jimmy tapped his retainer. "Where did you even get bear traps and mouse traps?"

Ed answered him. "Found them in the junkyard."

Kevin adjusted his hat. "So, how did a lemonade stand end up leading to a car crash and all of us getting badly hurt by the traps you guys were using?"

"Well, as I'm sure most of you can recall, the career counseling scam had taken place not too long ago."

"Yeah."

"We were setting up shop when Jonny came over to see what we were doing. Eddy insisted that we show him what we were doing, and he pressed the red button that sprung all the traps we were going to use to juice the lemons."

Ed continued where Edd left off. "He got caught in the traps and he dug his way out of the Lane."

"And then just as you three came to see what was happening, a car plowed through the fence, and you know the rest of the story."

"Yes. Rolf was bitten by the large animal trap that jumped on him."

"I got splattered with oil from the car and I got burned by the fire that broke out."

"And I got crushed by the tree that fell over."

Jimmy was shaking in his shoes. "Jeepers creepers!"

Sarah changed the subject. "Say, where is Jonny, by the way?"

Eddy shrugged. "I haven't seen him since we left my brother's place."

No one else seemed to have seen Jonny either.

Ed looked around. "Maybe Jonny is plotting to suck our brains out and feed them to his cactus plants!"

"While it would be an educated guess that Jonny has developed a sense of hostility towards us," Edd pondered, "I wouldn't hold my breath that he's seeking vengeance for the time being."

"I say we figure out where Jonny is and what he's doing." Eddy climbed over the fallen tree. "Who's with me?"

Edd followed after Eddy. "Well, if we are to search for Jonny, the ideal place to start would be Jonny's house."

Ed trailed behind them. "Follow the leader!"

The rest of the kids went with the Eds to Jonny's house.

* * *

"Alright." Edd stopped just short of the front door. "We'll need to split up to find any clues about Jonny's whereabouts. We need to search the exterior, first floor, second floor, and basement."

"So, like, who's going to search where, then?" Nazz asked.

"How about..." Edd suggested, "...Sarah and Jimmy search the exterior, Kevin and Nazz search the second floor, Ed and Rolf search the basement, and Eddy and I will search the main floor. Any questions?"

"Rolf has not forgotten brain-of-a-roach Ed-boy bringing Jonny the Wood Boy's house down on Rolf."

"Yes, well, do strive to be careful what you touch, Ed." Edd considered what he said. "Better yet, don't touch anything unless Rolf says you can touch it."

"Aye aye, Double D!" Ed saluted.

"Alright. We'll meet back up at the foot of the driveway to discuss what we've found."

"Okay, let's start searching." Eddy led the search party into the house.

* * *

One exhaustive search later, and the kids regrouped.

Kevin started off the sharing of information. "Alright. What has everyone found?"

"Rolf found a cask filled with flesh from a squash. And Bottomless-Pit Ed-boy found the apparatus used for the job."

Sarah took her turn. "Jimmy and I found a giant Jonny doll with a cardboard Plank on a swing in the tree."

Nazz picked up. "All we found was a miner's hat on top of the drawer in Jonny's bedroom."

Eddy cracked his neck (or lack thereof). "Sockhead and I found some dirty dishes with sawdust in it."

The sock-headed Briton cringed at the memory. "I don't know what's more disturbing, the idea that Jonny was eating sawdust, or the idea that Jonny was producing sawdust."

"What do you mean?"

"I recall him scolding us for sawing a log for sawdust when we were trying to get an egg from Rolf, and as such we had to ask Kevin for sawdust."

"I love chickens, Double D!"

"Rolf is well aware, lacking a lower jaw Ed-boy."

"This is all very strange."

"I say we go our separate ways and try to make sense of what's going on here." Kevin started toward the door. "It's starting to get dark out."

"Yes, that would be a capital idea."

The kids headed home to get some rest before continuing their mission to figure out what Jonny was doing.

* * *

Barely an hour passed of complete emptiness before the Eds ran out of their respective houses, running into each other in the center of the cul-de-sac.

"Eddy? Ed?"

"Double D?"

"What are you doing here?"

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"My ant farm is missing!"

"My magazines are gone!"

"My gravy tub is empty!"

"Well, don't look at me; why would I want a tub of gravy?"

"I have no desire for your magazines."

"Sarah doesn't like ants."

"So, where's our stuff? I kept my magazines in a safe place after Ed hid them."

"I had my ant farm anchored to my bookshelf after Ed dropped it."

"My gravy tub was glued to the floor after Eddy tried to drop Captain Melonhead in it."

"Wait a second..." a thought occurred to Eddy, "did Jonny take our stuff?"

"I would suspect someone would've found it in Jonny's house if that were the case." Edd's attention was diverted to Ed. "Goodness, Ed, did you hurt yourself in Jonny's basement?"

Ed shook his head. "Didn't touch anything without Rolf telling me so."

Eddy looked over at Ed. "Huh. Yeah, Lumpy's got something around here." He pointed out the underside of his chin.

Edd saw that it was a shape that seemed to resemble the letter K. Given that it was yellow, it was easy to miss.

Ed was quick to spot something else. "You have something there, too, Eddy."

Edd realized that Eddy was sporting an identical shape on his chin; in his case, it was red, which also camouflaged it against his skin.

"This is quite a perplexing mystery." As Edd tilted his head back in thought, his comrades saw the same shape on his chin. But it stuck out with its blue shade.

"Double D, it's on your chin, too!"

Edd produced a small mirror and looked at himself. "Oh, my!"

"I betcha those thieves left these on us while we were sleeping!"

"But who are they, first of all?"

Ed had been staring at the shapes for a while. "They almost look like K's."

Edd froze as if a tranquilizer dart had nailed him. "Ed-d-dy-dy-dy-dy-dy-dy-dy...!"

"This ain't the time for bird calls, Double D!"

Ed remembered where he'd heard it before. "KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA...!"

"Ugh, come on, Lumpy! You too?" That's when it dawned on Eddy. "Oh... oh, they are so in for it now!"

Eddy made a mad dash for the woods, his two friends screaming after him. "Eddy, come back here!"


	4. Part 1, Chapter 4

**Part I: Easy Come, Easy Ed**  
Chapter Four

* * *

Jonny had witnessed the whole thing and started following the trio into the woods.

"I don't get it either, Plank. It's like someone else had the same idea as us."

Eddy reached the trailer park soon enough, and his friends caught up with them as he reached the doorstep of the target trailer.

He reached up to knock, but Ed reached in front of him. "Look, guys!"

Edd examined the wax sealed envelope that Ed had plucked from the door and found the letters "EEnE" written under the seal.

"I do believe this is for us." Edd fetched a letter opener from his pocket and broke the seal, removing three pictures and a message from within.

"Read to me what is on the pretty paper, Double D."

Edd cleared his throat. "'You have been summoned to our old homestead on the west side of town. Be there at 10 PM tonight, and we will explain everything.'"

The pictures showed each of the boys' missing possessions in various locations throughout an old mansion: 21 barrels of gravy at the foot of a dumbwaiter, an ant farm perched atop a bookshelf, and a box of magazines at the bottom of a wooden staircase.

"Gentlemen, I do believe our presence is expected at the old abandoned house."

"Well, then, let's get over there, get our stuff, and get out."

"Gravy, Double D!"

"Now, let's not be too rash now; we have no idea what awaits us there."

Edd looked up from the ant farm picture to see that his friends had vanished.

"Wait for me, fellows!"

* * *

The trio made it to the old abandoned house and stopped on the porch to catch their breath.

"I don't have a good feeling about this, Eddy."

"Ah, quit your griping. We'll just get in, get our stuff, and get out. Simple as pie."

" _Easy_ as pie. But you remember what happened last time we were here."

"That's why I'll just jam the door open so we don't get stuck inside." Eddy wedged a stray piece of wood under the door hinge.

"I don't suspect that we'll be confronting the same surprises as before, so do be on guard."

"At least we know where everything is. Now start searching this place."

The boys entered the house and set off to search for their lost possessions.

As they vanished from the foyer, Jonny snuck up to the porch, removed the block of wood Eddy had laid down, and shut the door, trapping the Eds inside.

* * *

The clock struck ten as the boys started for the basement stairs, and the house filled with organ music. Edd recognized the piece as J. S. Bach's "Little" Fugue in G Minor BWV 578 transposed to E-flat Minor. The Eds paid little mind to the music echoing through the corridors, but could've sworn they heard familiar female voices singing along with the music. It was difficult to tell whether or not they were singing actual words.

They grew disturbed when they heard what sounded like their own voices singing along with the lower notes.

Because they had seen pictures of their possessions in the house, they did have some idea of where to look. As it turned out, the paths they followed proved eerily similar to what they had followed the last time they were there. They made their way down the stairs, where they found Eddy's box of magazines. Eddy grabbed the box while Ed and Edd continued into the basement.

Eddy heard a wire snap as he hoisted the box from the floor, and the next thing he knew, the floor sprung up under him, catapulting him up the stairs and onto a balcony above the closed front door.

Ed and Edd, who had no idea what happened to Eddy, split up as they reached the mirror room; Edd headed up the spiral stairs to the library, and Ed rode the dumbwaiter in the hopes it would bring him to the barrels containing his gravy.

Edd reached the library and scoured the bookshelves for his ant farm. He found it poised above a moving ladder, which he climbed up. Picking up the ant farm released a trip wire that opened a trapdoor at the foot of the ladder. Edd didn't notice until the trapdoor closed on top of him, at which point he put his stash of 6,437 ants in a niche in the wall, prepared for what awaited him at the bottom of the ladder.

Eddy recovered from landing in the barrel on the balcony and looked past Edd having fallen into a barrel to see Ed sitting in a barrel looking around for his gravy.

The music started to take a dark turn as the train under their barrels started to move. The train ride was the same as before, the only difference being that everything was choreographed with the music.

The music slowed as the train came to a stop in a dark room.

"Hm." Eddy let off a breath he was holding. "Now what?"

The final stretch of the song started as the boys fell through trapdoors one by one.

They burst through the door and plowed through a cluster of folding chairs laid out in the room in front of them. As they recovered, three dark figures appeared in the swathes made by the barrels barreling through the chairs.

The music slowed down, and the girls reached for their faces. On the last note, the lights burst on and the girls whisked off their masks, revealing the faces of three evil monkeys.

Hear No Mercy. She was 15 years old with short blue hair swept over one of her eyeshadow-heavy eyes, freckles dotted on her cheeks, and a large black pair of headphones clasped tightly upon her ears. Her lips were stretched into a wide smile, revealing an array of jagged yellow teeth. She reached down, her black nail polish making her hands look white, to brush off a layer of lint which was strewn about on her tattered black tank top and green cargo pants.

See No Mercy. She was 16 years old with a beehive of red curly hair completely covering her eyes. Her teeth were in worse shape, having less enamel clinging to them and one rotted blue. Her red nail polish was actually red paint, and her hands were orange by comparison. She reached over to smooth out the wrinkles in her white tanktop with red polkadots and adjust her blue sweat pants.

Speak No Mercy. She was 14 years old with long blond hair cascading down to her waist. She was the most orally healthy of the three, though she did sport a notable set of buck teeth, so she tended to be the least talkative of the three. She also didn't wear nail polish, making her hands appear a natural peach color. Her outfit was a plain gray T-shirt and red shorts, which made her fuzzy yellow socks visible to passersby.

The girls knew what the first word from their captors would be.


	5. Part 1, Chapter 5

**Part I: Easy Come, Easy Ed**  
Chapter Five

* * *

"KANKERS!"

"So nice of you to drop in and see us." Marie picked up three of the toppled chairs and stood them in a row. She leaned on the middle seat back, with Lee on the right and May on the left.

The boys picked up a chair for each of them, sitting opposite the respective girl crushing on them. Eddy was irritated, Edd was displeased, and Ed was frightened.

Lee started off. "You're probably wondering why we brought you here."

Eddy grumpily replied. "Why would we be?"

May was the one to answer him. "Because we're not here to do what you think we're planning to."

Ed jumped to a conclusion. "They are here to dry our brains for raisins to put on their cereal, guys!"

Marie halted the snickers sprouting from the girls. "No, this is what we brought you here for."

Edd gazed at the book presented to the boys. "What is that?"

Without a word, the book landed in his lap, the maroon leather accented by brass trimmings and branded with mauve lettering.

Eddy stole a look at it. "Is this my brother's journal?"

Lee reclaimed the book. "You bet."

Edd hazarded a guess as to what was in store. "Are you planning to read that to us?"

Though hardly necessary with her blinding beehive, Lee slid a pair of sunglasses on her face. "Only if you want us to."

Eddy was starting to sweat. "Can you believe it? This could be a ticket to getting back at my brother for everything he did to me!"

"Let's not be hasty, Eddy; you have no idea what tricks these girls have up their sleeves."

"Yeah, Eddy. Don't you remember when we found Sarah's diary?"

"It was the perfect revenge on Sarah, Ed. Now, I can get revenge on my brother for everything he did to me."

"Eddy, your brother may have beaten you up in your youth and when we were chased to Mondo a-Go Go, but you were acting out all the behaviours of your brother as a misguided attempt to attain popularity with your peers. Why would you think it fit to read a record of his private thoughts dating back for many months before our escapade to Mondo a-Go Go if he was out of your life for so many years?"

"Revenge is revenge no matter how slow, Sockhead."

Ed started drooling at the sight of each of the three girls holding a jawbreaker in each hand, one red and one blue. Edd and Eddy were quick to notice the development as well.

"This is like that one scene from that one movie, isn't it?"

The girls nodded at Eddy's observation.

Edd, however, was in the dark. "I don't believe I'm familiar with this setup."

May started off the explanation. "We're giving you the choice of turning back now or being filled in on all the secrets."

Marie continued. "If you take the blue, the story ends. We let you go, you return to your newfound lives, and you'll never hear from us again."

Lee finished off. "If you take the red, you'll come here every night, and we'll tell you everything there is to know about the contents of this journal."

"I see. And given that there are three jawbreakers of each colour, it would appear we need not all make the same decision."

Ed objected. "We must stay together as one!"

Marie stood upright. "We'll leave you boys a few minutes alone to decide."

The girls got up and headed out the door the Eds had fallen in through.

* * *

Meanwhile, Jonny sat in his lair chuckling to himself. "And so begins the ultimate plot of vengeance, Timber!"

Silence filled the chamber as Timber "spoke" to The Gourd.

"It's quite simple. We know the Eds' kryptonite, and we knew from the letter on their trailer that they would be in the house of the Mad Logger."

Another bout of silence.

"So, that takes care of the Eds. Now for the other kids."

He strode to his desk and brought out a roll of parchment and a writing quill.

"So... let's see who we have here." He wrote down the names as he said them. "Jimmy, Sarah, Rolf, Nazz, and Kevin."

He returned the quill to the ink bottle.

"Yes, we should wait until we can predict their next moves so we can move in for an attack. Until then, let's put together a list of everything we can use on each of them."

He laid a hand around the base of the ink bottle.

"You're right. It would be a bad idea to try to attack them all at once. So let's pick out a numbered list of victims and work from there. Now, the question is... do we start with the strongest or the weakest?"

He paused as he "listened" to Timber.

"Well, on the one hand, if we start with the weak, we'll have a better success rate, because we can start out easy and work our way up. But on the other hand, if we start with the strong, we can promote fear in the rest of our targets and they'll be less likely to try and fight back."

He perked up with an idea from his friend.

"Ah, yes. We should evaluate when the mole mutants took down the cul-de-sac's power." He grabbed his quill and started scribbling his ideas. "So, let's see. Kevin and Rolf used you to open a manhole cover, and while you were gone, Ed explained that the mole mutants were starting with the strongest and working down to the weakest." His writing only paused for the ink to be replenished. "Yes, their ploy only ended because you suggested we flush out the mole mutant lair. But now that we're gone, they can't - what?"

His friend's "talking" brought his writing to a pause.

"Why would they remember that tactic? They would first need to know if the maneuver would put a stop to our plans. Besides, the only people that have any chance of remembering that are Jimmy, Sarah, and Nazz. Kevin and Rolf were in the sewers, and the Eds are trapped at the hands of the Kankers."

His face tightened as the "discussion" ground on.

"Look, we haven't developed a plan for anyone yet, or even chosen our first victim. So, who should our first victim be?"


	6. Part 1, Chapter 6

**Part I: Easy Come, Easy Ed**  
Chapter Six

* * *

"Man, I'm getting a hernia thinking about which would be better: no more Kankers or getting in on Bro's biggest secrets."

"Well, Eddy, I do have reason to suspect that the Kankers may not hold their end of the bargain if we chose the blue jawbreaker. But at the same time, I still believe that your brother doesn't deserve to have his journal read aloud to an audience."

"C'mon, Sockhead, the Kankers probably read it already. It's not like the kids are going to get in on it."

"Yes, but I still feel that if your brother were to discover that his journal was read to you, he would likely assume that you read it yourself and would hurt you for doing so."

"Yeah, Eddy, like when we took Sarah's diary and you read it, and she stuck us all to the wall with Jonny."

"You know, now that I think about it, the very fact that the Kankers offered us a choice of reading your brother's journal might warrant further scrutiny."

"Huh?"

"It's like they're suggesting we might have to brace for a shocking revelation if we were to take the red jawbreaker."

"Well, we'd probably have to take the red jawbreaker if this fanfic's going to have a plot."

"It would still have a plot even if we took the blue jawbreaker; we were investigating Jonny's whereabouts with the others and explaining to Sarah and Jimmy how our final scam led to our escapade to Mondo a-Go Go."

Ed was quick to counter. "But then the readers will be mad that they couldn't see what the author had in store for Eddy's brother's journal."

"Honestly, is there any rationale to making decisions for the sake of plot? Each show was only 10 or 12 minutes long, a time span that can easily be filled with a myriad of activities by any of the kids, be it us, the Kankers, or our neighbours."

"But this is a fanfiction, Double D," Ed explained. "The writer can make it as long as he wants."

"But will the readers read all the way to the end is the question."

Eddy was quick to answer. "The same could be said of all the books you keep in your room."

Edd sighed. "Fine. I suppose the red jawbreaker wins."

The girls returned to the makeshift cathedral to get the Eds' decision.

"So, what's the word, Big Ed?"

All three boys answered together. "Red."

The girls handed their respective boyfriend the red jawbreakers, placed the blue ones on the floor to serve as foot stools, and took their seats.

Lee popped open the journal to the front page, but was interrupted by Edd.

"Before we start, might I inquire how you acquired Eddy's brother's journal?"

May snickered. "We swiped it from his trailer after giving him 'mouth-to-mouth'."

Marie nodded. "I was the one that found it. It was under his pillow."

Lee tapped her fingers on the cover. "We read it on the way back here and decided that this would explain everything that happened here since we showed up in here."

Eddy was confused. "How would that work?"

"Well, that's what we're going to explain now, Shortstuff."

" _I am not -_ "

"Eddy, please."

Eddy stood in front of his chair.

"We may as well eat these while we still can." Edd gestured to the red jawbreaker on his lap.

Eddy sat back down and popped the candy into his mouth. His friends proceeded to follow suit.

"Alright." Lee brought the journal to her face. "Entry for May 1, 2012."

* * *

"Jimmy?" Sarah gently patted his shoulder. "Jimmy, wake up."

Jimmy stirred until it registered that Sarah was standing over his bed. "Sarah? What are you doing here?"

"I can't find Ed anywhere in my house."

Jimmy was still drowsy, it being 11 PM. "He's probably at Eddy's or Double D's house."

"No, we went into our house together, and he went down to the basement while I went up to my room. When I came down for a glass of water, I noticed the door to Ed's room was open. I went down to check on him, since it was unusual for him to have his bedroom door open while he was sleeping. When I got there, he wasn't there."

Jimmy fell back into his bed. "Sarah, let me sleep. We can talk about this in the morning."

"I checked Double D's house and Eddy's house. All three of them are missing."

Jimmy strained to wake himself. "What do you mean they're missing?"

"As in none of the Eds are in any of their houses."

Jimmy struggled to his feet, collapsing on his face once on the floor. "Owie."

Sarah helped her friend up. "Let's go find the others, Jimmy. Maybe they know where the Eds are."

Jimmy leaned on Sarah as they headed out the door into the street.

* * *

Jonny watched them walk over to Kevin's house.

"It looks like someone's noticed the Eds' disappearance, Plank."

There was a moment of "silence".

"Well, why else would they be out on the street in the middle of the night? They must have noticed something unusual."

He started writing down a profile for Jimmy, whom Jonny selected as his first victim.

"Anyway, we know that Jimmy is extremely accident prone. We know he and Sarah love fudge. We know his greatest fear is the Eds, particularly Eddy. But for some reason, all the other kids have befriended them."

He finished up writing what he said so far.

"Yeah, I don't get it either, Plank. But what else can we say about Jimmy?"

His friend "mentioned" an important detail.

"Yes, he always turns to Sarah when he's in trouble. So, maybe if we go after Sarah first, we'll have a greater chance of catching Jimmy."

That triggered another "remark" from Plank.

"Well, we can't use Ed for bait until they figure out where they are. ... Wait a minute, I've got it! All we have to do is reveal the Eds' hostage location, and they'll head over to rescue them. Once they're in the house with the Eds, we'll make our move."

He spent the next few seconds laughing wildly.

"Now we just need a plan for when we have them in our hands..."


	7. Part 2, Chapter 1

**Part II: You Can't Handle the Edd**  
Chapter One

* * *

 _The ultimate prank has been set for my little brother. By the time it's all said and done, he'll be the most hated kid in Peach Creek, and no one will ever know that I was the one to start it all. Of course, I do have my three little helpers to thank for putting the plan into action._

 _Ever since I left my house ten years ago, I had secretly trained my then 3-year-old brother on being a con artist like myself. Unbeknownst to our parents, I was living in a trailer park out of view of the cul-de-sac. None of the other residents dared to tread into the trailer park, not even Werner Sheppard, whose family had a lot of strange customs. (I still remember breaking into his farm one night and stealing some of the chickens to sell to the other kids.)_

 _After my brother started his first day of school, I put together a stash of jewelry and scam profits in a suitcase and buried it under my trailer before going away. It was the first step in a prank that would have repercussions for the entirety of Peach Creek for years to come. All I needed was one or more spies to execute a line of pranks I had set up for my brother and whoever became friends with him._

 _I moved to the beach and rented an apartment within view of an amusement park, Mondo a-Go Go. I was able to get a job there, and was soon promoted to park manager. During that period of time, I started a private investigation into the family that had held the deed to Peach Creek after my family: the Kanker family._

 _The family had been around for nearly 3 centuries after acquiring the deed to Peach Creek from my ancestors, and the last of the line, Jennifer Kanker, was living in a nearby apartment with three daughters from three separate men, all of whom had heard her name and number in a popular song. (She was forced to move to Lemon Brook because of that.) Upon a small investigation of the three stepsisters, I could see they were perfect spies for Rethink Avenue._

 _Two months ago from when I wrote this, I sent a letter to the matriarch offering my old trailer in Peach Creek, saying that I would accept as payment a secret stash buried under the trailer. After getting contact information for the three sisters, I asked them if they would spy on my brother and his friends and sabotage their scams as necessary, and keep tabs on pranks which I had set up for them, promising them whatever they wanted in return._

 _I had never been fond of person-to-person interaction after a run in with a couple who'd flown in from England. I met them at a breakfast diner in 2005, and I decided to try to get to know them better. They introduced themselves as Randall and Cindy Daubeldi, and they were in the process of relocating._

 _Their reason was because they wanted a son, but ended up having a daughter, Marion. Going through gender swap surgery didn't help; their son didn't like being a male and kept pink streaks in his hair (which led to him having few friends), nor did he like the new name his parents had given him, Don. Upon learning that they planned to move to my old neighborhood, I suggested naming him Edward, which they decided to consider. Once I was certain that their son had been renamed Edward (courtesy of the contact information I had for Mr. and Mrs. Daubeldi), I sent them my old toboggan hat via UPS for their son to help him look more butch in public._

 _I had deliberately chosen the name Edward for the Daubeldis' son as a joke; my brother and a former neighbor's kid were also named Edward. In fact, I had named my brother after the neighbor's kid; not because I was anticipating that there would be three kids with the same first name, but because of an incident that happened while I was surveying the cul-de-sac for next generation pigeons when I was 13._

 _The Winters household was raising a three-month-old infant named Edward, and I was spying as best I could in the house. While hiding in a bush by the Winterses' front door, I accidentally tripped Janine Winters, causing her to drop her son, who hit his head on one of the stepping stones on the lawn._

 _I scampered back to my own house, thinking Janine's son was not long for this world. My brother was born three months later, and I named him Edward as a reminder of the boy I thought I had killed. I later found out that the first Edward was still alive, but that he had suffered a head injury which impaired his cerebral development. The news came as a relief and an intriguing idea of what the future would be like._

 _So, there are three Edwards living on Rethink Avenue: Edward Horace Winters, Edward Marion Daubeldi, and Edward Skipper McGee. It was the craziest impromptu prank I had ever pulled on anyone in my life._

* * *

All the kids in the neighborhood were gathered on Jonny's front lawn, discussing the strange information Sarah had presented.

"Rolf has difficulty believing such a tale, She Who Gives Migraines."

"It's entirely possible. Jonny could've made off with Ed, Edd n Eddy to get revenge on them."

Kevin tightened his lips. "Well, we first need to make sure that he did kidnap them. And the only way we can do that is to find Jonny or the Eds."

Nazz had been digesting the unfolding developments. "What could Jonny want with the Eds?"

"We had abandoned him after he beat up the Eds at the amusement park. He's probably out to get the Eds for stealing his friends."

Jimmy cowered at Sarah's statement. "What if Jonny comes after us, too?"

"Well, that's what we're doing now, Fluffy; searching for Jonny to tell us what he knows about where the Eds are."

At that moment, a large squash landed with a splat on the pavement. The kids looked and saw a note taped to the squash.

"Rolf can smell the stench of dastardly intentions on this gourd."

Kevin looked around for the source of the squash, but found no one who could've thrown it.

Nazz read the soggy paper. " _The three dark knights have been taken prisoner in the old abandoned house and are now at the devices of the three witches. Be there at daybreak if you wish to see them again; no later, no sooner. I'll be waiting._ "

"Rolf has difficulty believing that Jonny the Wood Boy could ally himself with the Weird Sisters."

Kevin took charge of the situation. "I say we split up. Rolf and I will look for Jonny, you three look for the Eds."

Jimmy quaked with fear. "Jonny said the Eds would be at the old abandoned house! And with the - "

Sarah was quick to calm him. "It's okay, Jimmy. We can investigate the Eds' houses to find out how he made off with each of them."

"Come on, Rolf. Let's find Jonny."

"A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse."

Sarah, Nazz, and Jimmy headed to the bulb of the cul-de-sac to concoct a search plan.

"I think we should search each house separately," Nazz suggested. "What do you say?"

Jimmy seemed uneasy at the prospect. "What if Jonny's laid traps for us?"

"Just don't touch anything that seems out of place, and you should be fine."

"Well, if we are going to split up to figure out how the Eds could've disappeared," Sarah looked around, "I might as well search my own house."

Nazz turned to Jimmy. "I can look through Eddy's house if you wanted to go through Double D's place, Jimmy."

Jimmy's stress relieved a smidge. "Okay, Nazz. Be careful."

* * *

Jonny had watched the whole thing unfold from the roof of his house.

"Well, Plank, it looks like the plan didn't work as we'd hoped."

He watched as Kevin and Rolf snuck in through the front door of his house.

"So, let's see..." he looked over the notes he had taken during the congregation, "Kevin and Rolf are looking for me, and the others are trying to figure out how the Eds disappeared."

He adjusted his helmet as his friend "spoke" to him.

"Yeah, we didn't actually kidnap the Eds; we just took advantage of their going into the old abandoned house. They're probably crying their eyes out as we speak, moping over their guilt as their demons smear them with lipstick."

He climbed up the chimney to try to listen for Kevin and Rolf.

"Yeah, I know they won't go after the others like they do the Eds. But that's where we come in."

Down the chimney, Jonny could hear Kevin and Rolf talking amongst each other.

"Rolf smells a trap somewhere around here."

"Yeah, well, we're here to figure out where Jonny is and see what he wants from us."

"Is it not obvious, Kevin?"

"What do you mean?"

"Remember when the Ed-boys led us on that long chase through the tamed frontiers beyond the cul-de-sac?"

"Yeah. We beat up Jonny at the end of that chase after we became friends with the Eds."

"Yes. And Jonny the Wood Boy wishes vengeance against the Ed-boys and the rest of us for passing the duck title over to him."

"Not that this is the first time I've pointed this out, but the term is 'dorks'. But in any case, I haven't exactly taken to labeling Jonny as a dork after this whole thing happened."

"Rolf has a feeling you will once we find him."

"Only if his plans with the Eds goes far enough to deserve it. Until then, we should focus on finding Jonny. Because I'm pretty sure he wants us to go to the old abandoned house so he can pounce on us."

"Yes. Surely, Jonny the Wood Boy would not have disclosed the Ed-boys' location if he did not wish for us to go there as well."

"And if there's anything to learn from what the Eds had been doing the last two years, it's that we should always consider our options so we don't do anything stupid."

* * *

At the same time, Sarah, Jimmy, and Nazz had their hands full going through the Eds' houses.

Sarah had been through her brother's room many times before and had made an exhaustive search through it with Nazz and Jimmy earlier that summer the last time the Eds went missing. So she knew what to expect and whether anything was out of place.

She found Ed's bathtub, which he occasionally filled with gravy. Usually, it'd take days for him to eat/drink it all; but when she looked in the tub, it was empty, even though he had filled it up the day before the bear trap lemonade stand.

Jimmy could not have been more on edge about his mission if he tried. He was always scared that Jonny was following him, and was constantly looking over his shoulder for him. But he still strove to focus on searching Edd's room.

Labels covered everything in the room, illustrating Edd's organizational propensity. The desks in the room were cluttered with books, lamps, and all sorts of science-y memorabilia. The one thing out of place in this perfectionist paradise was a large bare spot on top of the dresser.

Thinking about what could be missing from that spot, Jimmy remembered the day that Eddy talked the kids into abusing their alone time from their parents, when he and Sarah stuffed themselves with ice cream. He remembered a flurry of ants walking around carrying the spent ice cream containers and utensils, and realized they could only have been released from a confined space, and the only kid on the block with the obsession to keep that many ants with them was Edd. It was there that he discovered that the missing item was likely an ant farm.

Nazz's quest was even more confusing. Eddy's room yielded no evidence that anything was missing. There was a record player on the dresser, and all the records in the nearby box appeared accounted for. There was a vanity mirror with grooming supplies, a lava lamp, and a brass fireplace. The only thing she could find that was unusual was a strangely light box of tissues on the bed's headboard.

A look under the bed yielded no mess except for a number of crumpled tissues, too many to fit in a trash can. As she pondered the strangeness of this find, she unwittingly stepped on one behind her as she got up. She picked it off her shoe, only then realizing that the tissues probably weren't being used to clean out Eddy's nose.


	8. Part 2, Chapter 2

**Part II: You Can't Handle the Edd**  
Chapter Two

* * *

The Eds were petrified by the single journal entry that the girls had read to them. So many secrets revealed all at once, so many questions racking their minds, so many mysteries confronting them.

Eddy asked the first question. "Are you saying my brother hired you three to bully us and make our lives miserable when he was gone?"

Lee nodded. "Pretty much."

Edd recovered from his shock. "You don't happen to have the messages he sent regarding the trailer or his call for agents, do you?"

Marie produced them for her crush. "They're right here."

Edd read over the message to the Kanker matriarch.

 _To Jenny Elise Kanker:_

 _It has come to my attention that an unfortunate bout of publicity has led you to move out of Peach Creek to escape the slew of prank calls to your house. I realize that three such occurrences have left you with three little girls all born within the span of three years. Seeing that your family is the present owner of Peach Creek, and that you're the last surviving member of the Kanker family, I've decided to propose a means of allowing you an opportunity to return to Peach Creek without the risk of another mouth to feed._

 _There's a trailer park in the woods behind Rethink Avenue, where I lived for a time after graduating high school. I am willing to sell you my old trailer in exchange for a stash of treasures buried underneath said trailer. It may not be the ideal place to live, but it's certainly safer than a suburb with a house whose phone number appears in a popular song, especially when your name is also in the same song. The only thing you have to worry about is getting settled into the trailer and maybe repainting the trailer. (The paint's probably fading by now.)_

 _My trailer, the last I saw it, is yellow with dark green siding. If you find a treasure chest buried under it, you found the right trailer. All you have to do, once you find it, is send the chest (with its contents untouched) to_ _ _5500 Jeppesen Road; Seattle, WA 98185_. Once you've sent the chest to me, and I'm satisfied that all of the original contents have made it to my trailer, I will send you all the necessary paperwork you'll need to transfer ownership of the Peach Creek trailer to you. Remember, you have nothing at stake with getting the trailer; I'm doing you a favor because I can._

 _From: Matthew Daniel McGee_

"That's the letter that he sent our mom." Marie presented the page torn from the textbook the boys found the previous school year. "And this was also in the same envelope as proof that our family was the owner of Peach Creek."

Edd was shocked. "So, it was Eddy's brother that tore out the page from that book?"

"Yeah. It wasn't just a twist of fate that we were descendants from the town's owners; that's how Matthew found us in the first place."

"I suppose it was the idea of having descended from the founder of Peach Creek that led Eddy's brother to the mentality that he was the supreme ruler of the cul-de-sac?"

Marie nodded. "Especially since our family wasn't living here by the time he was around."

"Which brings up the question of what drove your family to move away from Peach Creek in the first place. I mean, Eddy's brother brought up a telephone number appearing in a song, but why would that be significant?"

"People who heard the song called this house, and by the time - "

"Wait, wait, wait - " Eddy interrupted, " - what do you mean 'this house'?"

May explained. "Yeah, this was our family's old homestead."

Edd was taken aback. "I suppose that would explain how you were able to booby-trap the place so well." He started looking around the place. "Though it hardly explains how drastically the family fortune seems to have depreciated, considering how expensive this house seems to have been."

"From what our mom told us, our grandfather disowned her when he discovered that she had secretly changed the house number to that number." Lee looked over at Eddy. "You might have a record with that song, actually."

Eddy knew what song was being discussed. "The one by Tommy Tutone?"

All three girls nodded before May picked up. "Yeah. So, she lived in the basement secretly, taking the calls that flooded in asking for her. Our grandfather didn't think the family fortune would last long in Mom's hands, so he put it toward the construction of a new cul-de-sac."

Ed gave the next response. "Is that what all those houses being built are?"

Marie nodded. "Yeah. And so Mom took up making money off of guys calling her by getting together at night with them." A gesture toward the box of magazines on Eddy's lap made the picture clearer to the boys.

Edd strained to maintain his composure. "I'm guessing three of those men were your fathers?"

"Yeah." Lee started explaining. "Marie and I were already born by the time our grandfather found out that she was still living in the basement, (May was on the way at that time) so he put the homestead up for sale and left on a cruise for the Netherlands. That was the last she saw of her dad."

"So, how does your mother get by supporting you three?"

Marie took a deep breath. "She helps out at the construction site taking inventory."

"Was she aware that you three were working for Eddy's brother?"

"She suspected that we had feelings for you guys, but she didn't know about our deal with Matthew."

"So, how did Eddy's brother go about asking you girls to wreak havoc upon us?"

Marie smirked. "Take a look at the other letter there, Dreamboat."

Edd read the second piece of paper aloud.

 _To May Fontaine Kanker, Lee Teresa Kanker, and Marie Patricia Kanker:_

 _This is a recruitment call from the previous owner of this trailer. I have brought you here for the purpose of wreaking havoc on the kids living in the cul-de-sac on the other side of the woods (Rethink Avenue). Your first task will be to write me back with requests for a method of payment for this assignment. (By which I mean, I can pay you in things that include [but are not limited to] money, food, clothes, or any accessories you may desire.) There are three boys in particular that I would like you to pursue and torment above all others:_

 _Edward Horace Winters. He's a horror film and comic book addict that uses cannabis to treat a lifelong epileptic disorder. He lives a messy lifestyle and, due to his less than average intelligence, is always out-favored by his younger sister. (She is not among your top priorities for antagonizing, but you can still pursue her as you see fit.) His identifying features are his extreme strength, his great height, and his extremely great body weight._

 _Edward Marion Daubeldi. He is a British girl-made-boy who wears pink streaks in his hair out of displeasure at being a boy. Recently, he's taken to wearing a stocking cap to hide it. He is extremely intelligent, has a desperate drive for order and neatness, and is anything but built for workouts. He's the healthiest of the three boys, is the most conservative, has a fascination for insects (especially ants), and can built anything out of anything._

 _Edward Skipper McGee. He is my younger brother by 13 years, whom I trained extensively on being a con artist. He is the shortest of the three, using Ed Winters for his muscle and Edd Daubeldi for his brains, putting Eddy McGee as the "leader". His scammer training has led him to pursue extravagant goals with reckless abandon, and he is prone to acting on impulse. He was also the one to inherit my secret stash of special magazines._

 _It will be your job to make sure he doesn't walk out of any of his endeavors unscathed, and to keep me informed on his activities and their outcomes. I'll let you three form your own strategies for navigating the neighborhood, identifying your targets, and how you'll go about wreaking havoc upon them. At the same time, keep me posted on everything that happens to them. I've set up a few pranks set to go off long after I had taken my leave. On the reverse side of this letter is a list of some of those pranks, along with details about how they're intended to go off and when. I look forward to your updates. My address is 5500 Jeppesen Road; Seattle, WA 98185._

 _From: Matthew Daniel McGee_

"So, what exactly influenced you to take up Eddy's brother's request to do everything you'd done to us for the last two years?"

Marie scratched the back of her head. "Well, we only found out what Matthew was really like after the run to that amusement park. Up until that time, we really didn't know what we were getting into. We didn't know we would be tormenting anyone who'd already suffered a hefty amount of abuse."

"The letter did make mention of Sarah being constantly favoured by her parents over her brother."

May brushed her eye. "We didn't know just how bad the abuse was for Big Ed."

Eddy was confused. "Even when you had that torture lock in his room?"

"Oh, you mean when we gave you guys footsies?"

Ed laughed at the memory. "Yeah."

"It was the first time we'd ever been there, and we did change tactics after that."

Lee nodded. "Yeah, we'd started gearing toward lovey-dovey stuff over bullying by that time."

Edd looked over the letter again. "So, Eddy's brother mentioned something about special payments."

"Yeah, Matthew did make it clear that we could request payments beyond cash."

Lee nodded at Marie's statement. "We knew that Mom would get suspicious of us if we started making money without a real job. I asked for ketchup."

May got into the discussion. "I asked for chickens."

Marie was the last to speak. "I asked for an electric guitar, guitar lessons, and music making tools."

"I see. So, how did Eddy's brother go about communicating with you?"

"We basically wrote letters detailing the events of that day," May explained, "and he would write to us about things he had set up to go off years later, things he'd like us to do at some point, or write up tips on how to do something better."

Eddy tried to look annoyed, but he was too curious about what was in store. "So, how did you start it all after you got here?"

Marie adjusted her headphones. "Well, when we got the letter to us from Matthew, our first mission was to identify our targets and find a way to wreck them. We found you when you had that serial toucher scam or whatever you called it."

"Oh, yes, the day I forgot where I put my magnifying glass."

"Yeah. Anyways, we started brainstorming ideas on confronting you guys, eventually settling on hiding in the background and spying on you guys."

May nodded. "I did make a point that we'd need a plan in case anyone stumbled on our hiding spot."

Lee picked her ear. "And that's where our mission started."

Edd ran his hand over his toboggan hat. "I could never figure out if the feelings you had us believe you had were genuine or a facade."

May was confused. "Why would you think we would fake having crushes on you three?"

"Well, that idea stems from there being three of you and three of us, and I would be inclined to assume that the three of you simply decided that we would be your objects of affection and agreed upon who got whom. Plus, you did seem to shy away from us when we attempted to employ your own tactics against you."

Lee responded. "The whole thing about when you guys were using reverse psychology on us was just surprise at your sudden change in actions."

May nodded. "It started after we first met you guys."

"When we were trekking through the woods for insects?"

"Yeah."


	9. Part 2, Chapter 3

**Part II: You Can't Handle the Edd**  
Chapter Three

* * *

Kevin and Rolf walked out of Jonny's house and saw the others coming out onto the street.

"We couldn't find Jonny anywhere. Did anyone find anything?"

Sarah started. "My brother's tub of gravy is empty."

Jimmy gave his findings. "There was an empty spot on Double D's bookshelf."

Nazz was wiping her shoes in the grass. "I stepped on some used tissues on the floor of Eddy's room."

Kevin seemed to know what Nazz was talking about. "Well, it seems safe to assume that Jonny baited the Eds into a trap, and he's using the Eds as bait for a trap set for us."

"Rolf shall not stand by to leave the Ed-boys at the hands of Jonny the Wood Boy."

Kevin headed off toward the old abandoned house. "I have an idea. We'll camp out on the front lawn of the old abandoned house and wait for Jonny to show up. When he does, we'll ambush him and have him tell us what he plans to do with us in the house. Once we get the information we need, we'll go in, find the Eds, rescue them, and get out."

Nazz hadn't followed up on what Kevin had said. "How are we going to do that, Kevin?"

"We'll work on a battle plan once we get there."

They made it to the house and set about searching the perimeter. The door was closed, and the doorknob lay on the porch under a window.

"Well, looks like we can't get in there. Which is just as good, considering that Jonny probably wants us to go in there."

"Rolf agrees with Kevin. We must scour the perimeter, find Jonny the Wood Boy, and extract from him his intentions. Or at least extract from him the whereabouts of the Ed-boys."

"Right." Kevin sat down on the porch step. "He could've just said that the Eds are in this house when they're being held somewhere else. We've searched Jonny's house and found neither Jonny nor the Eds there. Sarah searched the Eds' houses, and we can assume that none of our houses are being used to hold the Eds hostage."

"Are you sure that Jonny kidnapped Ed, Edd, n Eddy?"

"Who else could've done it, Go-Go Nazz girl?"

"Well, the last time they went in that house, they came out with the Kanker sisters riding a wagon behind them. Jonny would've had to have gone into each Ed's house one by one to steal the bait items, which would've weighed him down, giving him a long time window to be caught in action. But the Kanker sisters could've stolen them all at once, giving them extra time to get away."

"Rolf would believe the Weird Sisters would have taken the Ed-boys to their house on wheels if they were the ones to abduct the Ed-boys."

"So, should we check for them there, then? Someone has to look there to know if they're there."

There was a long pause.

"Yeah, don't everyone jump at once. Kevin? Rolf?"

"Well, one of us has to stay here in case Jonny shows up here."

"Maybe you and I can go to the trailer park, and Sarah, Jimmy, and Rolf can stay here to watch for Jonny."

Kevin got on his bike. "I guess it's for the best if we do find the Eds and rescue them if we have to."

Nazz got on behind him. "Just remember that I'm here, Kevin. I don't want to have to deal with you obsessing over your bike like last time."

"No need to tell me twice. Not with where we're going."

* * *

"You probable already knew from our drawings on the fridge and from our chanting in the woods," Lee rolled the blue candy under her foot on the floor, "that we already knew who you guys were."

"I figured as much. And that detail was affirmed by the document from Eddy's brother to you."

"So, how did you know where to find us when we went into the woods?"

"We followed you guys to Oven Mitt's house, and by listening through the garage door, we figured that you three would be headed for the woods between the trailer park and your houses."

Ed shuddered at the memories. "Were you teleporting through the woods?"

Lee responded nonchalantly. "No, you were just running around in circles."

May added her own note. "At least until you fell in the mud."

Marie nodded. "At which point we knocked you out with empty ketchup kegs."

"And it was then that I would surmise you took us to your trailer, undressed us, cleaned us up, and put us in your fathers' robes?"

All three girls nodded at Edd's conclusion as Eddy whispered to Edd. "Do you think they saw anything?"

Edd whispered back. "It would be difficult to imagine that they didn't."

None of the girls heard that exchange and went on explaining their actions that day, resuming with May.

"We had made plans to bring you guys to our place to get you three in a position that would suit us for our spy needs."

"Which I can surmise involved getting us acclimated to fearing your presence in case we came across you three spying on us?"

Lee nodded. "And considering our track record, I'd say we were successful there. But anyways, we had already developed the feelings we have toward you guys by the time you met us."

Marie took a breath. "Which you probably figured out while you were there from our drawings of us six."

Eddy didn't know how to respond to the girls knowing that he had crumpled up Lee's drawing.

May picked up where her sister left off. "The whole thing about providing dinner and a movie followed by having you clean up the trailer was a way to get you to fear us while at the same time showing feelings toward you guys."

Edd was perplexed. "I really don't understand what you find so likable about us in lieu of what Eddy's brother told you about us."

May looked to him. "What do you mean?"

"Ed using medications which were only recently made legal in the state, Eddy possessing a volume of magazines made to promote self-pleasure, and I myself having swapped genders in my youth."

"That's kinda what we like about you." Marie set her foot down on the floor.

"I can understand what May sees in Ed, seeing that they display similar traits. Lee and Eddy also share common mentalities and could get together after some quiet time. Though I can't say that you and I could be any more different if we tried."

"Well, that's why I like you, Double D. I feel like I'd lose myself, sporting a tough girl image, if I didn't have a guy like you in my life."

"So, why do you insist on leading a tough girl lifestyle if you don't want to wander off on a wayward path?"

"It gives me confidence in getting through a life of constant struggles. Everything I do as a tough girl helps me in making my life more than just trash." Marie swallowed hard. "I was put in a tight spot with Matthew recruiting us to torment you guys, having to choose between being able to get to a point where I could give up my tough girl looks or pursuing a boyfriend to keep from going off the deep end."

"I'm sure we could've done something like this sooner;" Edd produced a handkerchief, "you didn't have to push through with Eddy's brother's requests if it meant we could sit and talk in a more orderly and civil manner."

"That's just it." Marie accepted the handkerchief. "I didn't know if you would want me, and I was worried that Matthew would cut off the deal if we did sit down and talk."

"What about May and Lee? Couldn't they have broken off their contract with Eddy's brother?"

Lee shook her head. "As Marie pointed out, we're living in hard times, so we had to do what we could to make sure the family has food on the table."

"Given your initial behaviour during the first summer, I would hazard a guess that you started becoming less willing to wreak havoc upon us by pure bullying as your feelings for us took hold?"

The girls all nodded. "And there were a few times where we didn't meet face to face, but we still steered you guys toward failure."

Ed was now curious. "Like what?"

"We filmed you guys at that sprinkler party on Matthew's orders on the reverse side of that letter."

Edd flipped it over and found what May had mentioned. _I left Eddy with three small speedos for him and his friends. I told him to go to the first water-based party he knew about with him and his friends wearing them, under the pretense that they would enhance their appearance. Get them on film once they're at the party; they should snap off by the time the party's over._

Eddy was mortified. "You girls saw us naked?!"

"We saw you naked in our trailer when we got you in our dads' robes, so we were prepared for overexposure." Marie produced a bag of tapes tied shut with twine. "In any case, we scavenged all the tapes we sent to Matthew from his trailer. We'll destroy whichever ones you want destroyed once we get into position for viewing them."

Eddy tried to untie the twine, to no avail, earning a statement from Lee. "It's our special Kanker knot; only we know how to tie and untie it."

May started talking when Eddy returned to his seat. "You probably remember when you gave Big Ed that makeover."

"Yeah, when you wrecked the scam of showing him off to the kids and took our money." Eddy soured at the memory.

Edd, on the other hand, was deep in thought. "I do recall one oddity of that day. It was the first time Ed had ever bathed since we started working together, and it was the only time he hadn't panicked at the sight of soap."

Ed swallowed. "I thought the Kanker sisters would stay away from me if I didn't touch soap."

Lee thought aloud. "I guess that explains why the story you told that one kid from inside the wall had buildings turning to soap."

Edd knew what was being referenced. "Oh, you mean Jonny? Yes, I remember that day quite well. Ed's story was quite a..." he cleared his throat, "...masterpiece."

Marie shrugged and looked at Ed. "Well, Lee and I were less inclined to pursue you with your normal habits."

May let off a small laugh. "Would you get over your fear of soap if you got over your fear of us?"

Ed nodded as Eddy rolled his eyes. "What's next? His fear of heights?"

"I can't say that phobia was induced during either of the previous two summers." Edd pondered. "Aside from the EdCo. elevator to the moon, he hasn't shown any emotion other than fear at being high off the ground."

Eddy looked around. "You know, I am curious as to what you girls did the last time we were here."

"As in how we put everything together for your arrival?" Marie straightened her bang. "Because we also have questions about how you guys got here the first time."

Ed brought up a hand. "Rock paper scissors?"

Edd didn't like the idea. "I don't think that's going to work between six people."

Lee scooted back in her seat. "I think this'll work better if we started by having you explain the events that brought you to the front doorstep."

"I suppose that would make sense." Edd scratched the back of his head. "That would allow you to fill in from your perspective of that day at appropriate times and transition to the reverse."

"Well, we can't get anywhere until we start, Dreamboat."

"Right."


	10. Part 2, Chapter 4

**Part II: You Can't Handle the Edd  
** Chapter Four

* * *

Nazz and Kevin reached the trailer park and started looking around for the Kankers' trailer.

"Do you know which trailer we're looking for, Kev?"

"Rolf told me he was here once when Ed was taken here." Kevin slowed down as he strained to remember which trailer he was looking for. "The trailer did find its way on my fence at one point, too, so I know what it looks like."

Nazz looked around the trailer park with unease. In the dead of night, most of the trailers were dark, their occupants either asleep or passed out from whatever they did during the day. A few trailers were lit, and those residents were doing a number of things involving fire and/or smoke. Nazz had a feeling that if the Kankers had brought the Eds to their trailer, they would be up and about torturing them.

Yet as Kevin approached the point where he was sure the target trailer was, that trailer was dark. This find raised three possible conclusions: either the Kankers had no involvement in the Eds' disappearance, they had brought the Eds to a different location, or they had trapped the Eds in the trailer and left them to be dealt with in the morning.

Kevin put an ear to the blue trailer, its ownership by the Kankers evident by a heart carved in a nearby tree facing the trailer. If the Eds were inside, Kevin should've been able to hear them talking amongst themselves and/or shouting out hoping that someone would hear them. Though given that the Kankers would've heard them screaming, the latter didn't seem likely.

"See anything, Nazz?" Kevin wandered to the back of the trailer.

Nazz spotted what looked like footprints in the soft dirt making a U-turn about 10 feet from the Kanker trailer, following back on itself toward the cul-de-sac. "Who's footprints are these?"

Kevin looked at the footprints in the glow of Nazz's flashlight. He got on his hands and knees to get a good look at them. "Hmm..."

The footprints showed a normal shoe tread pattern, but a series of dimples in the mud at the front of each print seemed intriguing.

"Looks like this guy was wearing sandals." Kevin stood up and studied the path of the footprints. "And given that the footprints go back on themselves without reaching any of the trailers, and without losing or gaining footprints from anyone else, they probably don't live here and didn't come or leave with anyone else."

Nazz lined up her foot with one of the prints. "And they have a similar shoe size to mine."

"Which would put them in our age group." That's when it clicked. "And there's only one kid in the neighborhood that wears sandals."

"That would be Jonny, right?"

Kevin nodded at Nazz's statement. "So, he was here recently, but he either didn't find what he was looking for or he chickened out on part of a plan involving the Kankers."

"Well, if the Eds have already been captured, then someone's plan must have worked. From what I can tell, it doesn't seem like Jonny has found the Kanker sisters, much less made any kind of plan with them."

"Maybe not here, but he still could've arranged something with them somewhere else."

"Well, if they are here, they're probably asleep. So, I don't think there's anything more we can do here."

"Yeah, we should probably get out of here and meet up with the others." Kevin started his bike back toward the neighborhood with Nazz in tow.

* * *

"We had gone to another cul-de-sac to put together a taco stand; as I remember, it was to be called 'The Taco Eds' Mexican Cuisine'. The plan was to constructing tacos from grass, paper plates, and crayons."

"Not to mention my brother's Armenian secret hot sauce."

"Yes, well, the old abandoned house provided a lawn from which we could extract grass, as we figured that people would be cross about grass being plucked from their lawns."

May bobbed her head in interest. "So, how did the tacos come together?"

"The tortillas were paper plates, and the crayons represented ingredients by colour; green was lettuce (along with the grass), red was tomatoes, orange and yellow were cheese, black was olives (atop shaving cream posing as sour cream), and brown was meat, marinated in hot sauce. The remaining crayons, blue and purple, were used to make the sign."

Lee had to laugh. "Did you really think that would work? Was making real tacos more trouble than crayons in a paper plate?"

"We didn't really have access to the apparatus needed for real tacos."

"Plus Ed tried to eat the cheese that was grated."

"I did try to humour him about crayon tastes coinciding with colours, like blue being blueberry pie or purple being pomegranate."

"And then you tried to eat a purple crayon and guzzled half of the hot sauce."

Marie was surprised. "How did you do that, Double D?"

"What, drink that much hot sauce?"

"Yeah."

"Eddy hadn't yet explained that it was hot sauce, and it didn't look viscous enough to be hot sauce. At first, it tasted like tomato juice, which was able to clear away the horrible non-toxic waxy aftertaste of the crayon."

"So, I poured the rest of the sauce into a bowl with the brown crayons to make the taco meat. After putting a taco together, Ed started eating it. I was surprised that he too didn't react to the hot sauce, so I ran a finger through the jar and tasted it for myself."

"I'm guessing that's when the hot sauce kicked in?"

"Yeah. Sockhead started sweating and steaming, Lumpy's head flared up, and my reaction was enough to burn the stand to smithereens."

"That doesn't make sense." Marie picked something from her shoe. "Double D drinks half a jug of hot sauce, and starts sweating and steaming. Ed eats a taco's worth of sauce, and his head burns to a crisp. But you eat just one lick of the stuff and catch dragon breath that's visible for at least a block. How does that even work?"

"My best guess would be that Eddy didn't shake the bottle to ensure a homogeneous mixture; as I found out later on, he had kept it on a hot plate to create the illusion of warm tacos. (The sauce did feel warm when I drank it.) My dosage was the top half of the jar, which would've had a smaller concentration of shredded peppers and spices, which would've sunk to the bottom of the jug. That would've left Ed with a more concentrated flavour for his taco, but Eddy's sample would've been magnified even more-so by the undiluted peppers and spices still adhering to the base of the jug."

A long pause followed the ramble, broken by Eddy. "But, yeah, in the end, the stand exploded and burned to the ground and we had to rinse our mouths out with a nearby sprinkler."

Marie gave a soft laugh. "Well, in any case, that would explain that flash we saw outside."

Ed was surprised. "You saw it?"

"Yeah. We were in the foyer discussing ways to lure you guys to this place when an orange light flashed in through the windows." Marie straightened her wristband. "I ran up to the balcony to see what had happened and looked out the window, running back downstairs when I heard someone outside the house screaming."

"That was probably Jimmy. I imagine that the kids were attracted by the flame spurt thrown up by the taco stand and came over to see what had happened. They were gathered in front of the house, and Jimmy told us that he saw a dark figure in one of the windows."

"Yeah, that was me." Marie slid down in her chair. "So, ho did you guys get in here?"

"We were attracted to the front lawn by Jimmy's shriek of terror, and the kids shared a few theories about this house before Kevin dared Eddy to go in for a jawbreaker."

"I had planned to just step in the door and walk back out, with Ed and Double D there to make a stronger case that the house wasn't haunted."

"But Eddy decided to try and scare the kids by pretending we were being attacked by ghosts."

"The doorknob fell off when we tried to leave, and my finger got stuck when I tried to pick it open."

"We heard a music box go off in a nearby room as we tried to get Eddy loose, and we found ourselves in the basement, where we got separated."

May nodded. "Yeah, Big Ed found a box of cereal in the dumbwaiter, which he rode up to the train station."

Marie continued. "The trail of books leading you to the library, where a crooked book opened a trapdoor to the train station."

Lee finished off. "And Shortstuff got sucked into a stair catapult with a piggy bank at the top that catapulted you to the train station."

"Yeah, and you know the rest of the story." Edd looked back at the door they had fallen in through. "And from the looks of things, you seem to have made a redux version of that day, with our most prized possessions as bait."

May nodded. "And some organ music in the background."

"Yes, 'Little' Fugue in G Minor BWV 578 by Johann Sebastian Bach?"

The girls shrugged before Marie spoke up. "It was a piece of creepy organ music that sounded like it could fit song lyrics."

"Really?" Edd was intrigued. "Tell us about that."

* * *

Kevin and Nazz returned to the old abandoned house. Rolf was carving a pig from a block of wood, and Sarah and Jimmy were leapfrogging up the walkway toward the house.

"Any sign of Jonny while we were gone?"

Sarah and Jimmy shook their heads.

"Rolf has seen no sign of the round-headed one."

Kevin sighed. "He's got to be somewhere!"

Nazz hopped onto the railing on the porch. "We don't really know if Jonny's going to come this way before a trap is sprung."

"He said he would be here at the crack of dawn."

Sarah slumped against the door. "So, what are we supposed to do, sit here and wait for him to show up?"

Nazz shrugged. "Unless anyone wants to go on another fruitless search."

"We can't give up yet. He has to be somewhere."

"If we keep looking for him, he'll just hide himself from us."

"Well, what are we supposed to do, Nazz?"

Nazz swung her legs back and forth. "We could just go back home. We can always figure out what Jonny did with the Eds later."

Jimmy didn't think it was a good idea. "But think of what Jonny could be doing to them as we speak!"

"Rolf should know from everything the Ed-boys have gone through that their endurance matches Rolf's own on his family's voyage across the sea."

"Yeah, but we should still do what we can to help them. And the only way we can do that is to figure out where they are, either by reaching them or having Jonny tell us where they are."

Sarah started pacing the porch. "We're not going to find Jonny if he doesn't want to be found, so we'll have to find the Eds. We know they're not in anyone's houses, and Jonny could by bluffing about them being in the house. Is there any place we haven't looked yet?"

"Rolf can only think of the lawn of athletics as the only stone unturned."

"You mean the playground?" Kevin started down the path. "Let's go look there, then."

The kids followed him to the playground.


	11. Part 2, Chapter 5

**Part II: You Can't Handle the Edd**  
Chapter Five

* * *

"After your first time going through here, we thought about how the whole thing could've unfolded even more like a haunted house movie."

Edd was confused. "Was it just the organ music that was missing, or...?"

"Pretty much. But we thought we'd add a layer of creepiness to it with vocals." Marie got out a handful of papers. "Here's what came out of it and who sang what."

As the Eds sifted through the papers, the girls brought out a radio, unhooking it from a line branching through the surrounding walls. They rewound the tape inside and pushed the play button.

The boys listened as the organ music started, this time listening to the voices singing along with the music, far more angelic than they were used to hearing from the girls. The soprano voice was Marie, the alto voice was May, the tenor was Lee, and the bass was the Eds.

In typical Kanker fashion, the transcription was a series of amorous anecdotes from the girls, and submissions to their advances from the Eds, the exact phrases written out in color-coded columns for the Eds to read (Edd being the only one to comprehend the text). To Edd's confusion, some of the background vocals looked as though they had been written after the chase to Mondo a-Go Go, particularly the long trills in Marie's vocals during the fourth and seventh verses.

By the time the song came to a close, the boys were spellbound at the piece of work the girls had made. Edd was the first to speak.

"This was quite an audacious piece of work if I do say so myself." Edd set the papers down on his lap. "How long did it take for you to accomplish this?"

"Well, the words were written out over the course of several months, and once we had that written out, we recorded ourselves singing it and changed it as necessary."

Edd looked over the writeout. "I assume some of those changes were squeezing in backdrop lyrics after your return to Peach Creek yesterday?"

Marie nodded.

Ed scratched his head. "So, how did you get our voices in there?"

May picked something from her teeth. "We actually sang your parts and then changed them to sound like you guys."

Lee nodded. "May sang Ed's part, I sang Eddy's part, and Marie sang Double D's."

Eddy let off a light laugh. "The voices sound too much like us to have been you girls."

"We actually got samples of your voices from recordings of you guys over the phone."

"When did we ever talk to you on the phone?"

Marie got out a box of tapes and replaced the one in the radio. "We'll see if this jogs your memory."

Upon the play button being pressed, a waiting tone sounded from the radio.

Edd was confused. "Did you have a tape recorder hooked up to your phone?"

Marie nodded as another tone sounded. "It was part of the making of this project." Another tone. "We needed voice recordings as a reference."

Another tone. "Did you call each of us in turn, or...?"

Marie shook her head as another tone sounded. "You'll see."

The phone was picked up on the other end, and music in the distance surrounded an enthusiastic _"Hello?"_

An unrecognized voice answered. _"Is that music in the background?"_ There was a soft laugh. _"I remember when records were a big hit."_

The music in the background stopped abruptly and was succeeded by a loud whack followed by the sound of a thump and the phone clattering on the floor.

Two seconds of silence passed. _"Edward!"_

 _"Yes, Mommy?"_

 _"What's with you?!"_

 _"It wasn't me, Eddy! Honest and for truly!"_

The line went dead at that point, and the boys quickly realized what had devolved that day.

Eddy was horrified. "That was you making all those calls?"

"It was supposed to be a way of preventing calls being traced to us."

Edd was confused. "Were you aware of Eddy acquiring the telephone from Rolf?"

"Yeah. We had investigated that blue-haired kid's house - "

Ed interrupted. "His name is Rolf."

" - Rolf's house when Eddy had that big honking zit on his face."

May sidetracked Lee's dialogue. "We scared the kids off the lawn and collected the pictures they dropped." She fanned them out for the Eds to see, pictures of the kids wrestling the towel from Eddy's head and chasing him into Rolf's house, who then beat the photographers away from his door.

"I'm guessing you sent these to my brother and took them back when you left his trailer?"

All three girls nodded before a question occurred to Edd. "You know, I remember Ed telling me that day that he's scared of wigs. Yet he wore one when we tried to befriend Kevin to get jawbreakers from him."

Ed gave him an answer. "Other people wearing wigs scare me, Double D."

"You mean like when our picture calendar scam led us to the trailer park and the girls gave us makeovers?"

Ed nodded before Marie picked up the original discussion. "Anyway, we had written up the lyrics of the song at that point and were thinking of ways to get your voice on tape. After we had picked up the pictures from the lawn, we spied in on you getting treated for that pimple. When Rolf said that you had to be left alone for 24 hours and took to carving a tree stump, we decided to snoop around the place."

"Were you searching for anything specifically?"

May nodded at Edd's question. "We were looking for the ingredients to that zit tonic."

"Were you having pimple problems?" Ed asked.

"It happens a lot, and we thought it would be a worthwhile solution."

"That stupid soup shrank my head!"

"Yeah, we got that on camera and sent it to Matthew." She showed them a picture of Rolf being chased through his backyard by a tiny-headed Eddy with Ed and Edd following close behind. "And we took that into account when using it on ourselves. Anyway, after we found everything we needed, we came across a phone in a latched wooden box. We decided to give it to you guys as a gift and prank call you from the trailer."

Marie picked out some earwax. "We called the trailer with it to get the necessary number. Once we had it, we made a test call to the phone before wrapping it in candy foil and leaving it on your doorstep."

"We didn't see the telephone until we saw Rolf trying to bury it in the lane."

"Probably because that test call brought some curse on him, and he found it on my doorstep and took it so he could bury it!"

May was confused about Eddy's outburst. "Why would you say that?"

"Because every time someone answered the phone after Ed dug it up, something bad happened to me!"

"What do you mean?" all three girls asked together.

"The tape we just heard? A record flew off my turntable and hit me in the head!"

Marie hit the play button again. "Well, let's listen to the rest of the tape and see what else happened."

There were three tones before the call was answered. _"What's cookin', good lookin'?"_

 _"Spring rolls."_ There was the sound of a steel coil bursting loose, an impact with the ceiling, the phone falling to the floor, and finally the sound of a body landing on the wayward coil.

Another bout of silence. _"I know where you're going with this, Eddy."_ They heard sheets rustling from the radio. _"Nighty night."_

A British voice collected the phone from the floor. _"Looks like you could use a new mattress, Eddy. Should we ask Rolf if he's buried one somewhere?"_

There was laughing as Eddy responded. _"Yeah, sure. ... Wait - Rolf?"_

The communication ceased again, and Marie paused the tape. "What was with that greeting, Eddy?"

"I thought that it was Nazz calling me that time."

May laughed. "You mean Kevin's girlfriend?"

"All the boys like her," Ed told her.

"Yes, I remember the day when we, Kevin, and Jonny had competed for her attention." Edd let off a sigh. "But it's behaviours like those that have led to my antipathy to being a male."

"What, having the hots for girls?"

"I just don't like the attention I get from females."

Eddy was clearly jealous. "It doesn't even make sense how people are granted others' wishes."

Lee knew what Eddy was implying. "You should at least be happy that there's one girl that seriously wants you." She interrupted Eddy before he could speak. "And we've broken off our contract with Matthew, so we're not tormenting any of you any further."

Marie nodded. "We're telling you about everything we've done to try and make up to you guys."

Before she could press the play button, Edd asked a question. "What about your response of 'spring rolls'?"

"Oh, we were reheating leftover Chinese, and when we made the call, there were spring rolls in the microwave. It was a joke on May's part."

The tape continued playing, and three more tones sounded. _"Yellow?"_

 _"I scream for your love, boy!"_ A rumble followed the ghastly exclamation, and bell music blared across the line before a loud crash sounded.

A wheel squeaked before Ed's voice came on. _"Eddy's in pain now; he'll have to call you back."_

 _"Okay, thanks."_ The line stopped again.

* * *

The kids made it to the playground, finding it (as expected) empty and unmoving.

"If we don't find the Eds here, then they have to be in the old abandoned house."

The only light in the area was from the sidewalk lamps on the adjacent street, so the kids had to rely heavily on their ears to navigate the area and determine each other's locations.

"Alright, we'll need to search this place as thoroughly as possible. So, let's split up to search."

Before anyone could decide how they were to split up, a thought occurred to Nazz. "Have we searched the junkyard? It seems like an ideal place to hide the Eds."

Kevin shook his head. "I don't think Jonny would've taken the Eds there."

"Why not? I remember you telling me at one point that Jonny had followed you through there when you were there once, so he would seem familiar with the area."

"So do the Eds. And they could easily get themselves out of there if they did get taken there."

"The Ed-boys have proven containable by simple means, Kevin. Rolf has reason to doubt the Ed-boys being able to escape on their own."

Jimmy was wringing his hands. "Well, they're not at the playground; they would've heard us talking and called out to us if they were here."

Sarah looked to the rest of the kids. "I say we head for the junkyard and look for the Eds there."

"It's too dark to look through there; we should probably head back to the old abandoned house and wait for Jonny."

Rolf nodded at Kevin's suggestion. "Yes. Rolf is growing weary of this search; perhaps we should scour through the old house to look for the Ed-boys."

Kevin still wasn't ready to expose himself to a trap. "How are we supposed to get past Jonny if we're being bluffed into going in there?"

Nazz tried to reason with him. "Even if this was a trap, the worst that could happen is that he'd have a setup like a soup-dump prank or something. Plus, if the Eds aren't in there, they'll find out about us and devise a plan to rescue us."

Sarah agreed with Nazz. "Not to mention he can't keep us in there for more than an overnight with school starting tomorrow."

Jimmy let off a soft grunt. "At least we got ready ahead of time so that we didn't have to loot Double D's house."

Kevin groaned. "Alright, fine! We'll search the house and see if the Eds are in there."

With that, the kids headed back to the old abandoned house.


	12. Part 2, Chapter 6

**Part II: You Can't Handle the Edd**  
Chapter Six

* * *

The tape continued playing, and the Eds listened as another call went through on the tape. When the three tones stopped, there was a five second length of birds chirping in the background before the sound of the receiver being picked up from stone ground.

A shaky voice sounded from the recording. _"H-hello?"_

There was the sound of a bush rustling. _"Ain't I a stinker?"_

This was immediately followed by the sound of shot wind and then the sound of soft whimpering.

A British voice in the distance growing progressively closer affirmed the source of the shot wind. _"Oh, look, Ed! A skunk! Did you know in some parts it's also known as a polecat?"_

A third voice bellowed from the radio. _"Who stepped on a duck?!"_

The soft whimpering dissolved into explosive crying. _"THIS STUPID PHONE'S CURSED!"_

A door slammed shut before the British voice spoke up. _"Oh, come now, Eddy. These unfortunate mishaps are random at best; any relationship to Rolf's 'telephone of doom' is pure coincidence."_

The first voice was stifled by clamped nostrils. _"I say we test it!"_

 _"Test it?"_

 _"Like mustard?"_

The line cut off at that point, and Eddy paused the tape. "Did you girls know that the phone was doing stuff to me?"

"We suspected as such when we realized that a skunk had sprayed you during that call." Lee kicked the jawbreaker under her foot under her chair. "When you mentioned a test, we decided to find out for ourselves if the phone really was cursed."

Marie popped a stick of gum into her mouth. "You don't see too many skunks, do you, Double D?"

"No, they don't wander about the neighbourhood too often."

Ed nodded. "Double D's a big animal person."

"Yeah, we could tell from all the spying we did on you three over the last two years." May fingered the buttons on the radio. "So, after that call, we headed over to your place to figure out where you were going for the test, and spied on you guys to see when to call you."

She pressed the play button, and five tones came along. This time, it was Ed who answered. _"Hello?"_

 _"Ah, another caller. This really lights up my day."_

They heard Edd's voice in the background. _"There. Your test proves it, Eddy; any relationship between the phone and your accidents is - "_ The sentence was drowned out by creaking metal and stopped by a loud thud.

 _"Ouch!"_ Eddy's voice was weak.

 _"I assure you there is a rational reason for this mischance, Eddy. ... Ah, here's your culprit! Just a rusty, worn nut."_

The girls knew what had happened, as they had been there to witness the light pole falling over.

 _"Bad phone! Evil! Rotten!"_

 _"And itchy."_ The connection stopped and was instantly superseded by a redial tone and two more waiting tones.

 _"Me again!"_

 _"You tryin' to roll away from me here?"_

Within seconds, there was a loud rumbling sound followed by the receiver landing on the hook again.

Edd paused the tape. "Did Eddy's brother ever receive these tapes?"

"We had duplicates made and kept one for the song project of ours." Lee nudged the bag of tapes with her foot. "We sent Matthew a copy of the wiretap tapes that night."

Marie pressed the play button again. "Now, this is after you tried salting the phone; we wanted to see if the curse was broken or not."

After two waiting tones, Ed picked up. _"Hello?"_

 _"Are you feeling antsy yet?"_

A series of panicked pants in the distance was evidence that ants were crawling on Eddy. _"Get 'em off, Double D!"_

 _"Hold on, I've got it! Hold still!"_ There were sounds of a struggle for about two minutes, and then sounds of a cool down.

 _"That's it!"_ The phone was clapped shut again.

May paused the tape there. "So, then you guys headed to Rolf's house and tried to give him the phone back."

Ed nodded. "And we played hot potato with the phone until Rolf pushed his house away."

Marie pushed the play button. "After that, we made another call, hoping to prove to you that the phone was cursed."

Two tones sounded before a long pause of muffled yelling, after which a clearer voice came through. _"Hello, Edward Daubeldi speaking."_

 _"Wow, this place has got a truckload of Eds, doesn't it?"_

The sound of a truck horn followed by a fearful cry of _"Mommy!"_ was enough to illustrate that a truck ran into Eddy.

 _"I assume you're the one that made all the previous calls today?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"And your multiple dialings are because the phone is continuously being hung up on you?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"Are you aware of anything that has been taking place across the line?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"Are you just saying 'yes' to everything I say?"_

 _"No."_

 _"Gimme that thing!"_ The phone was slammed onto the hook.

Marie paused the tape. "Did you even notice that Eddy got hit by a truck?"

"I was helping Eddy to his feet as I was talking. And he took the phone from me, slammed the receiver onto the hook, commenced another salt shower, and ran off looking for someone to take the phone from him."

May kicked the jawbreaker under her foot into her lap. "I'm guessing that someone was that bald kid?"

"You mean Jonny?" Ed asked.

"The kid with the backscratcher."

"So, yes, it was Jonny." Edd let off a small yawn. "Were you aware that Jonny had the phone at that point?"

Marie pushed the play button. "After we made the next call."

This time, there was only one tone before an answer. _"Hello?"_

 _"Could you put your timber on the line?"_

 _"It's for you, Plank."_ The sentence was punctuated by a tree falling in the distance.

There was a faint sound from the recording that no one could distinguish.

 _"You think you could go for a nice sanding about now?"_ There was a moment's pause, during which a falling sandbox could be heard in the distance. _"It's a deal worth stampeding for."_

A voice in the distance ushered in a long rumble. _"HIPPOS!"_

Once the rumbling stopped, another voice echoed from the distance. _"AHA! PROOF POSITIVE! THESE UNFORTUNATE INCIDENTS HAVE BEEN NOTHING MORE THAN COINCIDENCE!"_

 _"We have quite a few offers that are sure to strike your fancy."_

 _"Look around you, Eddy, and what do you see?"_ A thunder clap sounded in the distance. _"Nothing. Do you see a phone? I don't see a phone. No phone, no curse. I rest my case."_

 _"Believe me, we know how to bring the house down."_

 _" **WHY ME?!** " _Eddy's screams were cut off by his house coming down on him.

 _"COINCIDENCE, EDDY!"_

 _"Better move fast; they're groundbreaking offers."_

There was a loud crash, followed by Eddy screaming.

 _"Boy, Plank. You sure are a popular guy."_

 _"Okay, yes, we've gone to the dogs."_

The last thing on the tape was barking followed by Eddy crying out _"HELP ME!"_

Lee popped the cassette from the radio. "I think we need to get some answers from someone."

Eddy nodded. "What was with you, Double D?"

Edd sighed. "I thought I had apologised after we left the Kankers' trailer."

Marie blew a bubble. "That was still some pretty dorky behavior on your part, Double D."

Ed looked at Eddy. "That's something I'd expect Kevin to say."

Eddy shrugged. "Well, they're voiced by the same person, so I can't really give her any grief for that."

Edd turned to Eddy. "Is that why so many people think we'd make a good couple?"

Ed shook his head. "No, 'cuz then there would be a lot of people pairing me and Nazz or Eddy and Sarah."

Eddy flailed his hand in dismissal. "Those people don't even know anything about this show anyway. Just ignore them."

Edd took a shallow breath. "It's a bit difficult, considering that there are so many of them, and some of them don't clearly bill their primary ship in the character lineup or story description, which you would think they would do so that people who like the ship can find them more easily through searches and filters."

Ed shrugged. "Maybe they're scared they'll lose readers if they do that."

Eddy laughed. "Do they think they'd get more readers than other Kevin and Edd fics if they avoided that?"

Edd's brow tightened. "The least they could do is not crowd up the menus with their atrocious work."

Lee was confused. "What are you guys talking about?"

The boys froze. "Uh... nothing."

Marie giggled. "Sure..."

May turned the tape over and over in her hands. "But seriously, you're not usually one to ignore your friends in pain, Double D."

Eddy looked to Ed and Edd. "What about that time I swallowed a fly and lost my voice, and you guys relied on Rolf to figure out what I was saying?"

Lee giggled. "Yeah, that was funny, seeing what you went through that day."

Edd looked at Eddy. "I told you I was sorry when we rescued you from the Kankers' trailer."

Marie folded her arms. "You really don't have anything aside from disbelief to explain why the phone wasn't cursed."

"But how would a phone be able to bring about any kind of trouble that wouldn't happen without the phone?"

Lee shrugged. "I don't know, how could a swirling disc make people do all sorts of crazy things like turn you into dogs?"

Eddy remembered that day well. "Yeah, Double D thought it was funny when Ed danced with me."

May folded her legs. "What about the first time we used Eau de WoodRot on Big Ed and he spread it to you guys?"

Ed strained to remember. "When was that?"

"When you guys went on a learning spree by taking things apart."

Eddy crunched down the candy core of his jawbreaker. "You mean when we thought the world was falling apart into chaos around us?"

All three girls nodded before May spoke. "When we first got it, there was a label on the bottle that said that excessive use could cause hallucinations. We decided to test it on Big Ed while he was sleeping, video tape his behavior, and if it proved valuable, we'd sent it to Matthew."

"I think we all know that what you caught on tape was worthy of being sent to Eddy's brother."

Marie affirmed Edd's statement. "Yeah. But anyway, we digress. Let's get back to that phone."

"For the last time, telephones aren't cursed!"

Lee tightened her lip. "From what we gathered from the wiretaps, Eddy was suffering some misfortune no matter who answered the phone. So, that long gloat you had given didn't factor in the fact that Eddy didn't have to be the one to answer the phone for something to happen."

"But not answering the phone would not have prevented the ice cream cart bursting through the door or a sandbox falling from the sky."

May almost yelled. "When else has that kind of thing happened?"

* * *

Jonny was hanging from the chandelier in the foyer, struggling to stay awake for the kids' entry.

"I don't know how long we have to wait either, Plank." He listened to the piece of wood. "Well, if we go looking for the kids, they'll probably show up while we're gone."

He was surprised at his friend's suggestion. "How would you be able to look for them if I stay up here?"

There was another pause. "Yes, I know you drove a bus a few days ago. But how would you be able to make it back here once you do find the kids?"

He could hear the front door opening below, and he signaled for Plank to be silent as he watched to see who was coming inside and prepared to attack if it was his targets.


	13. Part 3, Chapter 1

**Part III: Eddy or Not, Here I Come**  
Chapter One

* * *

The kids reached the porch of the old abandoned house for yet another time. Kevin picked up the fallen door knob from the wooden floor and stuck it in the hole in the brass plate, turning it and opening the door.

"Alright, let's do this." Kevin threw the door open as wide as it could open, snapping the rusty hinges and sending the door down upon the foyer floor inside, splintering slightly as it did so.

He charged into the dark foyer with Rolf, Nazz, Sarah, and Jimmy close on his tail in a chain.

The kids stopped when they realized that there were multiple paths to explore. Before anyone could decide who would go where, a large squash fell to the floor, releasing a noxious odor that quickly overpowered the quintet.

A dark figure jumped down between the kids and the door, laughing maniacally as the kids struggled to make sense of what was happening.

The figure grabbed the fallen door and jammed it back in its frame, sealing the kids inside the house. "At last, my plan is ready!"

The kids all knew it was Jonny, and Kevin was the only one not to cower in fear at his advance. "Alright, Jonny, where's Ed, Edd, n Eddy?"

"Who wants to know? It's no concern of yours, considering that each of you are moments away from revenge."

Sarah was furious. "What's he blubbering about?"

Nazz tried to reason with him. "Uh, Jonny?"

"Silence!" He thrust Plank on a mop into Kevin into the rest of the kids into the wall under the balcony.

Before anyone could stop him, he threw a coil of rope around them and pulled it as tight as he could.

Rolf strained to get loose. "Rolf does not hold faith that your plan will succeed, Jonny the Wood Boy!"

"Perhaps. Perhaps not. In any case, it would be in your best interest to call me **The Gourd!** "

Jimmy was flattened by the other kids against the wall. "What do you want from us, Jonny?"

"You should know. You should know better than to turn against someone like me in the span of a day."

Kevin wormed around to face Jonny. "You're the one that blew it, man!"

"SILENCE!" Jonny drew a large keg from behind his back and plucked the lid off.

Rolf cringed at the smell. "The stench is thicker than Papa's toenail fungus!"

Jonny hoisted the keg over his squash-clad head. "Prepare to meet your maker!"

"Antonucci?" Jimmy squeaked before thick black liquid cascaded upon the kids.

To say the sludge was hot was putting it mildly; it was boring holes through the kids' skin.

Sarah spat and sputtered as the excess liquid dripped onto the floor. "What is this stuff?!"

"Molten sugar. In a few moments, the molasses will harden, and you'll be stuck together until someone breaks you apart. And with the Eds safely out of the way, the only way that will happen is to apologize for what you did to me at our last encounter."

Nazz's eyes were being glued shut by the molasses. "Jonny! I think there's been a big misunderstanding here!"

"Oh, I understand perfectly; you beat me up and abandoned me, taking the Eds in as friends. There's no question that you've all committed a serious wrong here."

Jimmy could just barely breathe with the molasses hardening against his face. "Jonny, please! We can explain!"

"Yeah, you can explain squat." Jonny headed for a window and opened it. "Maybe some alone time will help you collect your thoughts and come to your senses."

In a flash, Jonny was gone, leaving the kids vitrified together in the foyer.

* * *

"Do you even know how little sense that makes?"

Edd looked around at the group, all boring holes into his skull.

"How can events be dictated by someone answering a telephone and averted by not answering a phone?"

Lee crossed her arms. "What makes the idea of a cursed telephone more important than my boyfriend's well being?"

"I was trying to help Eddy by figuring out what was causing all of the misfortune that was culminating that day. It was his insistence that the telephone was cursed that was getting in the way of my helping."

Marie plucked the gilded hundred-year-old phone from a knapsack under her chair. "We've already heard from the wiretap tapes that the telephone was causing all that trouble."

Ed was surprised at the phone in Marie's hand. "Didn't we give that to Jonny?"

May nodded. "We took it from his house after we got back so he couldn't use it against you."

Eddy was confused. "What do you mean 'use it against us'?"

"He's turned himself into a dark lord bent on revenge against the entire cul-de-sac for abandoning him."

Edd let off a skeptical grunt. "But still, a gilded communication device does not possess the ability to produce physical matter out of thin air."

Lee got up and picked up a telephone on a nearby desk. "How about we test it?"

Ed was surprised. "Do the telephones in this house work?"

"We figured out how to get it working again," May explained.

Edd took the phone for himself. "We already tested it once."

Marie interjected. "But this time, you'll be able to hear both ends of the line."

Lee dialed the number, and a few moments later, the Swedish-made phone started ringing.

Edd picked it up and answered. "How can you be sure that something can happen from this telephone?"

"That's a pretty big question to drop on someone," Lee responded through the phone.

At that moment, the ceiling above Eddy started to creak and suddenly gave way. And the next thing they knew, a sticky, black, crystalline mess was lying on top of Eddy.

Edd slowly slammed the receiver in shock back on the base, which he set down on his empty chair. "What... in... Sam... Hill."

Ed recoiled at the sight of the hardened kids. "Jonny has frozen the kids solid!" He ran around the room in panic. "We're next! We're next!"

Eddy pushed himself out from under the fused mass of molasses. "Now do you believe me that that stupid phone's cursed?"

A cry from Rolf prevented a verbal thrash-out from metastasizing. "Stay back! Do not approach Rolf with that cursed relic!"

"What on Earth have you all gotten yourselves into?" Edd examined the hardened mass of sugar entombing the kids.

Jimmy responded to Edd. "Jonny ambushed us and covered us all in molasses!"

Edd set to work trying to melt the hardened molasses with a wet sponge. "What are you all doing here at this hour? Tomorrow's the first day of school."

Kevin let off a stifled cough. "Why are _you_ Eds awake at this hour?"

"Someone had made off with some of our items of interest, and they were used to lure us to this house."

Ed got up to his feet. "Where's my gravy?"

May told him. "They're at the top of the dumbwaiter you rode in. It's hidden under a stack of crates there."

"Thanks, May."

As Ed left in search of his gravy, a thought occurred to Edd. "I should probably recover my ant farm before we leave."

"We can't leave;" Nazz told him, "the front door's locked and the door knob's gone."

Marie held it out in her hand. "You mean this? All you have to do is stick it where it supposed to go and use it as you normally would."

A thought suddenly crossed Eddy's mind. "Um... shouldn't you guys be going out of your minds with the Kanker sisters here?"

"Rolf expected to see the Weird Sisters in your presence, Ed-boys, considering what Jonny the Wood Boy did to us."

Edd had freed the ropes tying the kids together. "Why would Jonny be involved in us getting together with the Kanker sisters?"

"Is it not obvious, He-Who-Hails-from-the-Great-Island-Country Ed-boy?"

"From everything we've gathered, Jonny had no involvement in our summoning to this house. Everything that brought us here was the Kankers' work."

Marie had started to cut the ropes. "Yeah, we didn't have any help with this."

Nazz had managed to break herself free. "I told you guys."

Kevin was the next subject of Edd's scrubbing. "Still, we know Jonny's plotting against us for what we did to him at the amusement park."

"Well, for the time being, we should probably get some rest for the first day of school tomorrow." Edd got Kevin loose. "Right after we release you all from this mess."

Sarah was next. "What if Jonny's waiting for us outside?"

"How did he capture you and put you in hardened sucrose?"

Jimmy squeaked out from the back of the mass. "He cornered us in the hall and tied us up before dumping molasses on us."

Eddy started plotting an escape plan. "Maybe if we all took different exits, he wouldn't be able to catch us all if he is waiting." He looked over to the Kankers. "How many windows are in this house?"

"In total?" May asked. "Eleven. Two on the front porch, one in each bedroom, three in the main bedroom, two in the library, and a skylight at the top of the foyer balcony."

Ed returned to the basement. "I got my gravy to the front door, guys."

Edd left for the stairs to recover his ant farm. "I'll be right back."

Eddy started thinking of a plan. "Well, on the one hand, we could all go out separate ways, and Jonny wouldn't be able to catch us all. But of course, if we split up, we wouldn't exactly be able to team up if any of us did encounter Jonny."

Kevin was using the sponge to free Rolf. "Well, as far as I know, Jonny probably thinks we're still stuck together. He might come back soon and demand an apology from us."

"For what?" Eddy asked.

Sarah took a small swallow. "For beating him to a pulp at the amusement park."

"Did you try to tell him what you saw my brother doing to me?"

Nazz shook her head. "He wouldn't let us."

Lee considered this. "I don't think he'll believe anyone if they try to explain what he missed at the amusement park."

Rolf got free of the resin bonds. "With the Elder Brother beating upon the Flat-Headed Ed-boy?"

The Kankers all nodded.

"We'll probably be better off if we stick together and just stay out in the open until we get home."

Kevin thought over Eddy's idea before turning to the Kankers. "Would you be able to keep Jonny away from us if we spent the night here?"

May shrugged and looked at Lee. "He did manage to steal that backscratcher we got on that vacation in Eddy's house."

Lee produced a plastic spray bottle. "We'll just blast him with Eau de WoodRot if he does come in."

Marie snickered. "That'll definitely scare him away. Just be careful not to splash the other kids. You remember what happened last time we did that."

"When we used it on Big Ed that one night?"

May's sisters nodded before Marie looked to the fully liberated kids (still covered in bits of hardened sugar) and the Eds.

"You can stay here for the night and we can keep an eye out for anyone that comes in on you."

Edd returned with his ant farm and Eddy updated him on the latest.

"Very well, then. We should probably get some chairs together for makeshift mattresses."

Everyone put together sleeping spots they thought would be comfortable and tuckered themselves in for some much needed sleep while the Kankers kept watch over them.

* * *

Jonny returned to the house with a bucket of shredded squash, ready to inflict more humiliation on the kids.

"Hopefully, those molasses have squeezed some sense into those kids and they'll beg us for forgiveness."

He slipped in through the porch window and was surprised to see a large hole in the floor where he had left the kids.

"Whoa, this is a little surprising." He listened as Plank spoke to him. "What do you mean 'the floor was bound to collapse'?"

He peered down into the hole, but it was too dark to see anything down there.

"At least I still have my grappling rope." He went up the stairs and tied it to a railing, draping it down into the hole.

"Now, let's see if the kids are down there, Plank."

He took hold of the rope and climbed down the rope.

Upon reaching the bottom, he was greeted with the resonating sound of snoring from every little nook and cranny of the unlit room.

Jonny whispered to his friend. "Alright, let's see if we can figure out a way to get some light in here and see who's here."

He was met with whispers from other people in the room. "I think that's him."

"Where is he?"

"Sh! Listen for footsteps."

Jonny knew that it would probably cause a ruckus if he tried to climb back out the way he came in, but he didn't know of any other way out of the room. Still, he refused to let his fear show to whoever was still awake. He just needed to figure out who was where in the room.

Going about by touch would likely disturb the sleepers, and the smell of burnt sugar made it impossible to navigate by scent. That left his only option to listen for everyone's positions.

He had reason to believe that some of the kids were sleeping on the floor, so he was wary of sweeping his feet around the floor to locate furniture. All he could tell was how close in a particular direction someone was; he couldn't figure out who they were specifically from the sound of their snoring alone.

He tried using Plank to probe for any hint of who was who. But he didn't get too far before Plank was plucked from his hands. Ignoring the sleeping kids, he jumped in the direction he lost Plank.

The thumping of pinning down the kidnapper woke all the other kids.

Lee sat up with Jonny on top of her. "Run! Get out of here now!"

Marie held Jonny down while May turned on the lights.

The kids scrambled for the stairs, the Eds leading the way.

May grabbed Plank from Lee and ran up the stairs. Jonny continued to fight for freedom from Marie and Lee, but to no avail.

"Ain't nobody laying a finger on my man but me!"

"Gimme back my pal, you bullies!"

"Gimme Gimme never gets!"

"You won't get away with this!"

"And who's going to do anything about it?"

"Let go of me, evil witches!"

"Why should we?"

May returned to the basement where her sisters were still holding Jonny down. "I hid your backscratcher in the library. If you want it, go and find it."

Lee and Marie let Jonny go, who raced up the stairs, the Kanker sisters chasing after to see who he tried to pursue.

He headed up to the second floor to look for Plank, and the Kankers looked to the front door. May had opened the door for the kids on the way up and all the windows had been locked shut for so long that they were rusted shut.

They ran out with Marie slamming the door shut behind them, shielding the kids' hasty return to their houses.

Jonny spent an hour looking for Plank, and another hour trying to escape the house before falling asleep under the hole in the foyer floor.

* * *

The next morning, all the kids were on the bus for the first day of school. The kids were seated at the front, with the Eds in the seats just behind them and the Kankers one row behind. Jonny sat all the way in the back, alone and sleeping the ride away.

"I really should thank you girls for helping us get back home last night."

"Don't mention it, Oven Mitt. It's the least we could do."

Kevin turned around to talk to the Kanker sisters. "Did Jonny plan for you and the Eds to meet at that house last night?"

Marie shook her head. "Why would you think that?"

"I do seem to recall Jimmy at one point making a deal with the three of you regarding us."

"Oh, that?" Lee knew what Edd was talking about. "We would've known what that bald kid had planned if he did try to get help from us."

"Rolf stills hold apprehension at the Weird Sisters, but the shenanigans from Jonny the Wood Boy would perhaps call for assistance from the three of you should Jonny try another attack against us."

"If it means helping out our boyfriends, we'll help the rest of you as much as we can."

Nazz looked over to the sisters. "So, what's with you three suddenly helping us? You girls have made a lot of enemies with us."

Marie tossed a stick of gum in her mouth. "We were confronted with an outside view of what we'd done to the Eds when we chased you guys to Seattle."

Edd nodded. "Seeing what Eddy's brother had done to us led them to rethink their day-to-day activities."

"I don't know if I'd call it that," Lee glanced out the window briefly, "but we're not actively out for anyone anymore."

The bus pulled up to the front door of the school, and the kids disembarked, ready to enter its halls for the first time.


	14. Part 3, Chapter 2

**Part III: Eddy or Not, Here I Come**  
Chapter Two

* * *

The kids had all received their class schedules in the mail the week before and knew where to go for their classes.

As they headed off their separate ways, the Eds and the Kankers stayed together.

"Alright, I think we can say that we're starting to get on better terms with you guys." Lee scratched her cheek. "Wouldn't you say?"

"Well, I can certainly say that our phobias are starting to fade with your breaking off your contract with Eddy's brother."

"I still want to know what you girls did ever since we met you three."

"I thought you would." Marie blew a bubble and popped it. "We'll meet at the junkyard after school to talk more about all of us."

"And make sure you don't get any detentions today."

"I'm sure we can all agree that Eddy and Ed will need to exert more effort toward that objective than me."

"Yeah, Sockhead can avoid detentions in his sleep."

Ed nodded. "He even flooded the cul-de-sac in his sleep once."

"We figured as much." Marie produced a blue marker. "That was the day you spent the night on that toothpick bridge?"

"Yes, my 1/1000 scale model toothpick sculpture of the Tower Bridge in London."

Marie took hold of Edd's arm and uncapped the marker. "So, why did you build that, Dreamboat?"

Edd quivered as the blue-dyed felt ran along his skin. "Mother and Father had brought home a surplus supply of toothpicks from a dinner party in Seattle they had attended the day before. It was a meeting of corporate officials from Delta Airlines, where my parents are both captains. They fly regularly from here to their homelands; Mother is from England, and Father is from France."

"I guess that explains the sticky notes all over your house." Lee had a red marker on Eddy's arm.

Edd reacted with surprise, which quickly subsided. "Yes, you three have been in my house quite a number of times before."

May uncapped an orange marker and started doodling on Ed's arm. "So, how'd you get the toothpicks, Double D?"

Edd looked at what Marie had drawn on his arm. It was a drawing of an arrow'd heart. "They were surplus from a toothpick sculpture contest at the party. Mother and Father brought home I think 1,000 unopened boxes of toothpicks, thinking they'd make for a good crafts project for me. It was their assumption that I would wait until school started and that the project would last for several days."

Lee finished drawing a van on Eddy's arm. "How long did it take you to build it?"

"It took me 14 hours and 7 minutes."

May capped her marker, having completed her boomerang doodle. "Wow. I don't think I could do that in that kind of time."

Edd opened his locker. "We all have our own talents; it's just a matter of where they take us."

Ed looked to Edd. "Like eating gravy off your own face?"

Everyone else gave a laugh.

Lee cleared her throat. "Well, we should probably get to class."

May nodded and turned to Ed. "Do good for me, Big Ed."

Ed nodded. "Will do."

* * *

While all of this had been going on, the rest of the kids were talking amongst themselves.

"So, what does everyone think of the Kankers right now?" Nazz asked the group.

Kevin shrugged. "Well, the old dorks seem fine with them. Though they could just be helping them with Jonny."

Sarah let off a shallow breath. "I don't know if I'm ready to trust those girls yet."

"Rolf thinks the Weird Sisters can be trusted by us as long as the Ed-boys trust them."

Jimmy tapped his retainer. "We've all had our misfortunes with the Kankers."

Sarah nodded. "Yeah. I say we try to figure out as much as we can about what's going on between them."

Nazz turned to Sarah. "How are we going to do that?"

Sarah ushered the kids together. "We'll try to track their movements and see what we can figure out about them by listening in on them."

Kevin adjusted his hat. "Wouldn't they get suspicious if we started following them everywhere they went?"

"That's why we'll take turns watching them, so that if they do find us spying on them, they won't make the connection."

"Rolf has doubts of such a charade standing up."

Jimmy nodded. "Double D would surely figure it out if someone was found to be spying on the Eds every day."

"We only have to spy on them until we have enough information to tell us what's going on between them."

Nazz spoke again. "But we don't know how long that would take, Sarah."

"We'll see what we can gather the first time around, and if we need more information, we'll keep going."

Kevin looked to Sarah. "How will we know when we have enough information?"

"Once we have enough to know if those girls have changed for the better or are planning something for us."

Rolf, Kevin, and Nazz all made a move to speak simultaneously, each drowning out the other, stopping when they realized they were in each other's way.

Sarah chose Rolf to speak first.

"Rolf suspects that your proposal resolves to seek out the second of the two listed realities rather than figure out which of the two is the truth."

"Kevin?"

"I don't think those girls has any reason to plan anything against us; even if they were, all they'd have to do is have Jonny do something to us. But they did help us out of the old abandoned house last night, so I doubt they're working with Jonny."

Nazz nodded. "And knowing Eddy, it wouldn't take much for him to think we were up to something the first time he were to see one of us spying on them, considering their day-to-day activities before we all met his brother."

Jimmy stepped in. "It'd also be difficult to explain our presence if Double D found us spying on them."

Sarah nodded. "And my loudmouth brother would blow our cover as soon as he saw one of us."

"Rolf thinks it's agreed that the Ed-boys cannot be spied upon directly."

Sarah thought for a moment before an idea struck. "What about Jonny?"

Kevin was surprised. "What about Jonny?"

"Jonny's probably going to try spying on either us or the Eds sometime. If we try to spy on Jonny while he tries to spy on the Eds, we can get what we need from a safe distance."

Jimmy raised an important question. "But how are we going to do that, Sarah? Jonny's not going to cooperate with us."

Sarah smiled. "He doesn't have to."

* * *

The first day of school went by without incident for everyone. Ed, Edd, n Eddy made it through all of their classes without any trouble, leaving them free to get their homework done at home instead of the detention room.

The Eds met up with the Kankers on the way out of the building.

Marie started her CD player. "You're meeting us at the junkyard this afternoon, right?"

Edd nodded. "Once we get our homework finished."

Eddy grumbled. "What's with those teachers giving us so much homework on the first day of school?"

"Well, Eddy, it won't be such a big deal if we get it done quickly and correctly."

"Easy for you to say, brainiac. This stuff is ridiculous!"

Ed nodded. "And it uses a lot of paper, Double D."

"You know, you could actually put some effort toward learning the material. After all, the easiest way to make good money is to do well in school."

Lee decided to step in. "How about the six of us work it all out at the junkyard?" She showed off her and her sisters' backpacks. "We can do our homework there, too."

Edd pondered this. "I suppose we could do that. Eddy? Ed?"

The other boys nodded.

"Very well, then."

* * *

Jonny watched the Eds and the Kankers head off toward the junkyard.

"That was quite a night last night, wasn't it, Plank?"

He followed the group, careful to stay hidden.

"Yeah, I don't get it, either, buddy. The Eds have never gone anywhere with the Kanker sisters on their own will. Not to mention the Kankers holding us back in the house to let everyone else escape."

He listened in as his friend "spoke".

"They can't be that desperate to call on the Kankers to protect them from us. But we're going to find out what they're up to."

* * *

Unknown to Jonny, the kids were following him to the junkyard.

Sarah led the group. "So, Jonny is probably out to figure out why the Kankers seem to have changed since our return to Peach Creek. And he's following them and the Eds to find out. That takes his attention off of us, allowing us to spy on him."

Jimmy was nervous. "What if Jonny notices us and comes after us?"

"If he calls us out, he'll be heard by Ed, Edd, n Eddy, and the Kankers will find him and move in on him. And when they ask what we were doing there, we can say that Jonny chased us there."

Kevin scoffed. "This is some weird plan you got here, Sarah."

Nazz looked to Sarah. "Are you sure we couldn't just ask them what's going on between them?"

Sarah shook her head. "They probably won't tell us everything we want to know."

"Rolf knows a thing or two about catching the most elusive secrets."

* * *

"Yeah, so, we'd set up hiding places wherever you were, and if any of you stumbled on that spot, we'd scare you away with puckered lips."

Eddy nodded at May's talking. "Well, that explains why you were in a trash can during that game of hide-and-seek."

Marie picked up. "We restricted our interference to times when we thought success would be inevitable for you guys."

Edd pondered this. "I suppose that would explain why your appearances grew less frequent as the summers went by, seeing that our scams became more and more poorly thought out."

Lee nodded. "Of course, you probably remembered the day we got a little sloppy in hiding ourselves, and you tried to use our own tactics against us."

"Yes, I remember that day quite well." Edd ducked through the broken fence with the others. "You already explained that your recoiling at that behaviour was down to shock and confusion about our suddenly atypical behaviour."

That's when something occurred to Ed. "So, if you girls were spying on us, why were you always at the trailer park whenever anyone went there?"

"We only stuck around if your plans for the day were enough to either attempt to foil or to catch on tape and send to Matthew; otherwise, we'd go home and look over Matthew's written requests for us."

May nodded at Marie's response. "Of course, we did have to help Mom with laundry every week."

Edd looked to May. "I believe I've heard you three talking about your mother during some of our encounters. Once when we were running to the candy store for free jawbreakers, and again during our reverse psychology campaign."

"Oh, yeah. Our mom's not too fond of men; the only thing she ever told us about our dads was that they got with her after a prank call that backfired on them."

"You told us that she was aware of us, but I don't believe you told us what she thinks of us."

"She got her best glimpse of you three during the haunted house prank, and she told us that we shouldn't throw a man a bone, or he would mess up the carpet."

Ed scratched his head at Lee's comment. "What does that mean?"

"I believe that supposed to be a dog analogy."

Marie nodded. "She was saying not to tempt men into close contact, or there would be _close contact_."

The group reached the van that the Eds hung out in, and Marie took a familiar boomerang from her backpack. Climbing on the van of the roof, she threw it in the direction they came from.

Upon catching it, Marie was met with a question from Edd. "Haven't I seen that somewhere before?"

Marie looked at the boomerang. "I don't think so. It was a craft project that we made for the heck of making it, and I don't think we ever showed it to you before."

She threw it again; this time, Lee caught it. "Of course, when we first tried it out, it didn't come back until 20 minutes after May threw it from what was left of the clubhouse we stole from you."

Eddy laughed. "Oh, yeah, it got destroyed when we dressed up Ed as a monster and he stuck the kids to his wall with Chunky Puffs, didn't it?"

Edd shuddered at the memory. "I still have nightmares about that day."

May took the boomerang for herself. "You're lucky we were able to convince the kids not to hunt you down for it."

Ed was confused. "What do you mean?"

"We saw everything that happened, and when you three left, we slipped into Big Ed's room and promised to get them down only if they promised to leave any beatings on you guys to us."

Ed took the boomerang from May and turned to Edd and Eddy. "Yeah, the good ol' days, huh, guys?"

Before either of them could respond, Ed started twitching and spasming. And the next thing they knew, Ed was sitting at the wheel of the van with a tape recorder.

"Ed Winters, head of Peach Creek archaeology, Day 1. And so begins another expedition for the deposit of Uranium-235 buried deep underground these battlements."

The girls looked on with confusion, while Edd and Eddy looked on with shock.

"What's Big Ed doing?"

Edd swallowed. "I think I know where I've seen that boomerang before."

May took the seat next to Ed. "Where?"

Ed looked to May. "Aiding my expedition is my lieutenant, May Fontaine Kanker, who has recently taken a role as more than just a partner in business."

Eddy approached Ed's door. "This thing makes people do all sorts of crazy things when they touch it."

Lee stood beside him. "Like what?"

Eddy plucked the boomerang from Ed's hand. "I'll show you. This thing's like a bad luck charm."

Eddy went into twitches and spasms, and the next thing they knew, Eddy was carrying his backpack and nursing it as though it were a baby.

"Who's the good widdle baby?" He showed the briefcase to Lee. "How about a smile for Dada? Smile for Dada!"

Lee was paralyzed with indecision until Marie appeared from behind and transferred the boomerang to Edd. "Let's see what you do with it."

Edd was scared. "You don't want to see what it does to me!"

"Why not?"

Her question was answered by Edd twitching and spasming before dripping with sweat, his British accent gone in favor of an Irish accent.

"Hoo, this is some hot sun we got going on today." He looked to Marie with a seductive look in his eye. "What's a girl like you doing in hot weather like this?"

He walked Marie to the van, kicking off his shoes as he did so. "Those clothes look a little dark for this kind of weather." He slid off his socks. "How's about letting out a bit of that heat under there?"

Marie was frozen with perturbation as Edd plucked off her shoes and socks.

Eddy looked toward Marie. "It's going to get worse from here."

Edd flipped off his shirts together. "Surely, your chest is begging for air under that tank top." He plucked Marie's tank top from her body, revealing a pink lace bra underneath.

May turned to Lee. "Isn't that Mom's?"

"Yeah, how 'bout _them_ Double D's?" Edd slid off his cargo shorts and yoga pants at once, sliding Marie's belt off her waist, dropping her cargo pants to her bare ankles and exposing her pink panties.

Marie finally decided it was time for this to stop. "Gimme that thing!" She snatched the boomerang from Edd, who instantly reverted to normal.

"GYAH!" Edd hurriedly dressed himself. "See what I mean?!"

Marie turned to her sisters. "Okay, who's idea was it to use Eau de WoodRot in making this?"

"I think it was May's."

Edd slid on his shirts. "What exactly were you trying to accomplish with that?"

"We thought it would make for a good boyfriend magnet."

Lee laughed at May's answer. "Well, they definitely didn't hesitate to approach us with that boomerang in hand."

Marie sat on the waterbed in the van to redress. "Don't ever let my man touch that thing again!"

Edd finished getting dressed. "Yeah, what she said."

Marie stepped out of the van fully dressed. "Did you already know what would happen if you were holding the boomerang?"

Edd nodded. "It wasn't the first time we'd encountered it. If we get in the van, we can talk about the first time we found it."

Lee nodded. "Alright, let's do that."

The girls took the front seats, and the Eds sat on the water bed in the back. Lee was in the driver's seat, Marie was in the passenger seat, and May was straddling the gear shifter between them. Ed was in the middle with Eddy on his left and Edd on his right.

Eddy decided to start. "Alright, so, now to explain what happened with that boomerang and us..."


	15. Part 3, Chapter 3

**Part III: Eddy or Not, Here I Come**  
Chapter Three

* * *

Jonny and Plank looked at the finally developed picture of Marie in her undergarments. A few short and maniacal giggles ushered the picture into Jonny's cloak pocket.

"You're right, Plank; if the Eds are happy with the Kankers, we'll just have to sabotage their relationships." He slid his camera into his pocket. "But in order to do that, we need blackmail. One down, five to go."

He listened as Plank spoke to him. "Oh, I have a different idea in mind for Double D. We're going to catch whatever he wears that hat for."

* * *

"Ed, Double D, and I were putting together a scam called _The Dr. Eds' Ultra Dude_ , where we'd sell toothpaste as cool-guy gel. We had gone through Ed's house for supplies to pack in a case for the scam. Just as we finished packing, we heard Sarah upstairs yelling at Ed for the mess he made in her room. Ed dragged us out his window, where Sarah was waiting with a smile on her face and a boomerang in her hand." _  
_

"Sarah was confused at Ed pleading not to hurt him, and she proceeded to hug Ed and Eddy in turn before chasing me through the neighbourhood. By the time she caught up to me, she had lost the boomerang and was acting normally again. So, when Ed reached her and tried to hug her, she beat him to a pulp."

"Didn't she say she'd do that to me if I touched her _again_?"

"She was bad news, Ed."

"Emphasis on _was_ in lieu of Mondo a-Go Go. Anyhow, we were quick to put the bizarre occurrence behind us and get the scam underway. Our first stop was Rolf's house, but Eddy slammed the door on Rolf when he started singly loudly in our faces."

"Did anyone understand what Rolf was singing about?"

"Who would? The guy gave me a headache, and he didn't look like he was going to buy anything."

"Yes, well, as Eddy left, I noticed the boomerang Sarah had earlier on Rolf's doorstep, which I concluded Rolf had dropped when Eddy slammed the door on him. I told Ed what a boomerang was, and as I left to rejoin Eddy, Ed suddenly brought out a desk and was using a typewriter. As I remember, the document was titled _Chasing Phantoms: A Dissertation on Unified Field Theory and its Effect on Leptons and Quasars by Ed Winters_."

"What the heck is that supposed to mean?"

"I doubt any of us would be able to understand it right this moment. In any case, Eddy crossed the street to chastise us for getting sidetracked from the scam, and he plucked the boomerang from Ed's hand when he scolded him back. At this, Ed rolled in the grass laughing while Eddy started nursing the suitcase like an infant, which he named Casey Jr."

"Then Eddy gave the case and the boomerang to Double D."

"And before we knew it, Sockhead was taking his own clothes off in the open just like you saw a minute ago."

"Then Eddy took the boomerang from Double D and gave me a diaper with the toothpastes in them, telling me to throw them in the sewer."

"That's when Ed took the boomerang from Eddy and threw it, after which it pelted all three of us to a tree."

* * *

Jonny heard the Eds' story. "That was that one day where we found the Eds hanging from a tree, wasn't it, Plank?"

He laughed as his friend affirmed the memory. "Yeah, I remember that day..."

 _We were heading for the lane when Eddy called out to us from the tree. "Excuse me, young man! Could you please bring my little Casey Jr. to me?"_

 _I picked up the case. "You mean this?"_

 _"Yes, please." He held his hands out._

 _I walked up to him. "Here you go."_

 _"Oh, thank you, young man." He caressed the case. "Did you miss Mommy?"_

 _That's when I caught sight of Double D. "Wowee! Way to hang around in the breeze, huh, Double D?"_

 _"Yep, that's me. Just hanging around in the breeze."_

 _Ed spoke up at that point. "Insanity manifests like disease, and the capacity to counter its advance is unique to the individual."_

 _I had to laugh. "This is pretty weird, huh, Plank? What's that?"_

 _"You might want to get that boomerang loose."_

 _"You think I should get that boomerang loose?" I climbed up the tree. "Alright." I pulled the boomerang until it came out of the tree branch._

 _The Eds fell to the ground._

 _"How do you think they got up here, Plank?"_

 _And the rest is a blur._

* * *

 _Our next vivid memories were us lying in the grass, Eddy and Ed on top of me. I was about to scream at being completely naked bar my hat, but was interrupted by Jonny climbing down a tree.  
_

 _"Quite a puzzle we have here, wouldn't you say, Watson?"_

 _Ed looked to Jonny. "What's Jonny doing?"_

 _Eddy got to his feet. "Why am I wearing a dress?"_

 _I strained to cover myself. "Why am I naked?"_

 _"It appears we have three victims to a hanging murder from this tree." Jonny looked around. "Which was prefaced by a long confrontation on this road and these lawns. Let's see what clues we have."_

 _I leaned toward Eddy. "Eddy, I can't find my underwear!"_

 _"It appears that one of the victims was stripped naked. We have briefs under the tree where the body was found, cargo shorts and yoga pants at the base of this lightpole, a polo shirt and polyester T-shirt on this fire hydrant, and socks and shoes in the nearby bush."_

 _I looked to Eddy and Ed. "Can someone please tell me why I'm naked?"_

 _Eddy looked to me, stupefied. "Because you took off your own clothes. Why else?"_

 _"No, I didn't!"_

 _"Yeah, you did."_

 _"No, I didn't!"_

 _Ed sided with Eddy. "Yeah, you did."_

 _"I'm pretty sure I would remember doing something like that."_

 _Jonny pretended to write on Plank with the boomerang as if it were a pen and notepad. "So here, we have fingerprints on a manhole cover. Judging by the immediate visibility, they likely came from the heaviest of the victims." He peered through one of the holes in the cover. "And we can see that there's a diaper filled with tubes of toothpaste."_

 _Eddy looked in the empty case. "How did the scam get in the sewer?! And why am I wearing a dress?!"_

 _Ed answered him. "I put them in the sewer. And you put the dress on yourself."_

 _Eddy was shocked and incredulous. "Why did you throw the scam in the sewer?!"_

 _"You told me to."_

 _"No, I didn't!"_

 _"Yes, you did."_

 _"No, I didn't!"_

 _I sided with Ed. "Yes, you did."_

 _"I think I'd remember saying something like that."_

 _Jonny next focused on the collapsed desk where Ed had been typing. "It seems that the heaviest victim fell out of this desk while using this typewriter. Judging by the empty sheets of paper scattered around it, he only managed to complete the title page."_

 _Ed looked at the typewriter lying next to the crumpled desk. "Who wrote this?"_

 _I had watched him typing the document. "This is your work, Ed."_

 _"No, it isn't."_

 _"Yes, it is."_

 _"No, it isn't."_

 _Eddy sided with me. "Yeah, it is."_

 _"I think I'd remember writing something like this."_

 _We shook our heads. "No, you wouldn't."_

 _Jonny snapped his fingers. "I think I know what happened here."_

 _Eddy whispered to me. "Does Jonny even know we're here?"_

 _"We'll know soon enough."_

 _Jonny started at Rolf's doorstep. "The killer started out on this doorstep, where they made their first move against the heaviest of their three victims. The killer coerced the heavy one to write a farewell document, but was interrupted when the short one attempted to intercede."_

 _I remembered how everything had unfolded after we left Rolf's house. "I was about to regroup with you across the street until Ed started using a typewriter. When I called you over, you took the boomerang from Ed."_

 _"Realizing they would have to act quickly, the killer shoved the heavy one to the ground, intending to return to him. For the time being, their attention was on the short one, whose case he tried to force open so as to dispose of any weapons that could've been in there."_

 _"Ed started rolling about in the grass after losing the boomerang, and you started caressing the case like an infant and using the boomerang as a milk bottle."_

 _"Failing to get the case open by force, he shifted his attention to the sock-headed one."_

 _Ed provided the missing link. "Eddy gave you the case and the boomerang."_

 _"The killer coerced the sock-headed one to strip himself down to prevent him trying to run away from the scene of the crime."_

 _"And that's when Sockhead started taking off his clothes."_

 _"Realizing the killer's intentions, the short one tried to stop them, only to be coerced into opening their briefcase. This time, they succeeded by way of having the short one open the briefcase himself. Finding toothpastes within, the killer had the heavy one dispose of them in the sewer."_

 _"Then you took the boomerang from Double D and started playing Mommy with the briefcase again. And you gave me the toothpaste in a diaper and told me to throw them away, which I did."_

 _"Now all that was left was to get the heavy one in position for the final attack."_

 _"Then you took the boomerang from Eddy and threw it toward the cul-de-sac entrance."_

 _"The killer swooped up the heavy one, the sock-headed one, and the short one, and pinned them by their necks against the tree branch."_

 _It was then that I realized the connection. "I think it was the boomerang that was making us do what we were doing."_

 _Nazz walked up to me with my clothes in her arms. "I think these are yours, Double D."_

 _I wasted no time in getting redressed. "Thank you so much, Nazz."  
_

 _Jonny was tapping the boomerang against Plank. "Now we just need to figure out where the perpetrator is."_

 _Nazz took the boomerang from Jonny. "Where'd this thing come from?"_

 _Jonny returned to normal, while Nazz started twitching and spasming._

 _"Yep." I nodded. "It's the boomerang."_

 _Nazz quickly lunged at Ed, Eddy, and me. "How's about some sugar, Daddy?"  
_

 _She pounced on Ed and proceeded to smother him with kisses. That's when I saw Kevin walking up to us._

 _"What in the world?"_

 _Nazz jumped off of Ed and tackled Eddy. "Ready for a pop, Tootsie?"_

 _She busied herself kissing Eddy as I explained the situation to Kevin. "Nazz has gotten hold of a boomerang that's causing people to act weirdly when they touch it."_

 _Nazz jumped me at that point. "Gimme some cane, Candy!"_

 _Kevin saw the boomerang in Nazz's hand. "Didn't Fluffy have that thing before?"_

 _Nazz got off of me and ran for Jonny at that point. "Time for some jolly, Rancher!"_

 _I turned my attention to Kevin. "You mean the boomerang?"_

 _"Yeah. I was playing basketball earlier today, and I dropped a mailbox on Jimmy's toys. When I saw him again about a minute after that, he threw a mailbox on top of me. I got up, and he lunged at me, and a boomerang flew out of his shirt, at which point he ran away crying."_

 _Nazz's running grew louder. "Yep. It's the boomerang."_

 _"I gots me some jelly, Bean!"_

 _Kevin was thrown to the grass and smothered with kisses before he snatched the boomerang from Nazz. "Man, what's with you, Nazz?"_

 _She got to her feet. "What do you mean 'what's with me', Kev?"_

 _Kevin didn't have time to answer before he went into twitches and spasms._

 _Everyone watched as he broke down in tears and ran into the woods crying._

 _We all looked at each other in confusion before Eddy decided "Maybe we should just go home and watch TV."_

 _And that's what we did._

Marie nodded as Edd concluded his story. "Yeah, we didn't see the boomerang again until we saw Kevin sitting on our doorstep crying."

"Yeah. As soon as we took it back from him, he took off back to the cul-de-sac." Lee made a motion with her thumb.

May looked at the boomerang in her hand. "So, how did this make you do all that crazy stuff?"

Edd thought back. "You said that you had used perfume in crafting the boomerang, correct?"

All the girls nodded as Marie responded. "Yeah, Eau de WoodRot. It was used to laminate the wood and for the glaze coating."

"We used it on Big Ed one night when we saw the label warning of the perfume causing hallucinations in large amounts, and he probably spread it to you two the following day."

"Was it something my brother gave you, or...?"

Marie nodded. "Yeah. He told us to use it on you three, but he had scratched off the warning label, so we didn't know what it would do to you guys."

"You had the opportunity to use it on us when we sold the kids turkey basters as Canadian Squirt Guns." Edd adjusted his hat. "But you had used Krankshaft no. 5 on us despite having used it moments earlier on Jonny."

"It was a homemade perfume that we had just made when that day happened. We didn't know about the squirt gun thing until the bald kid pulled a covered wagon through the trailer park. We did our stuff to him, sent him packing, followed him to get a glimpse of the Canadian Squirt Guns he was talking about, and you know the rest of the story."

"I'm guessing that's also how you were brought to the Lane the day you gave us footsies in Ed's room?"

Lee nodded. "Yeah, we saw one of the kids dropped a ransom note as they were leaving the Candy Store with a bag of jawbreakers, and when we read it, we could tell from the jawbreaker request part that Eddy was the one who had written it."

Ed mused on this. "So why didn't the kids know that Eddy wrote it?"

Eddy shrugged. "Maybe it was just the lost and found part."

Edd grunted with uncertainty. "I suppose we should start on our homework now." As he started to open his backpack, he looked to the sisters. "Does your mother know you're here?"

"She's usually at the old homestead; she only comes to the trailer to fill shopping lists and see that the trailer's still in one piece."

Marie turned off her CD player. "But she already knows that when we're not home, we're with you guys."

Edd escorted his friends to the foot of the waterbed against the rear doors, making room for the Kankers at the other end. "Alright, let's get started, shall we?"

* * *

The kids were struggling to extract what they could from spying on Jonny spying on the Eds and Kankers.

"Alright." Kevin looked to the group. "So, we were able to listen in on Jonny talking about the day with the boomerang."

Nazz nodded. "And it seemed that he had taken a picture for blackmail in an attempt to wreck the relationship between the Eds and the Kankers."

Jimmy added on. "There was also talk of the Canadian Squirt Guns."

"Rolf also recalled discussion of a jawbreaker ransom note."

Kevin remembered that day. "Oh, yeah, when we all thought someone had stolen our lost items?"

Sarah smiled at the memory. "I can't believe nobody realized that Ed, Edd, n Eddy had written those notes."

Nazz shrugged. "Well, I think the Eds are perfectly fine with the Kankers. Our only problem right now is Jonny."

Jimmy nodded. "All we have to do is figure out a way to explain why we befriended the Eds."

"Rolf suspects that Jonny the Wood Boy will seek to sneak a peek at Double-D Ed-boy's un-socked head as a plot."

Sarah mused on this. "But we had all seen it when Eddy's brother slammed Eddy into Edd and knocked his hat off."

"Right." Kevin adjusted the collar of his white polyester T-shirt under his unbuttoned polo shirt. "But maybe if we don't let it slip that we already know why Double D wears that hat, we might be able to convince Jonny of why we became friends with the Eds."

Nazz peered toward Jonny. "Well, it looks like Jonny is discussing plans with Plank, which would mean the Eds and the Kankers aren't doing anything worth watching or listening to."

Jimmy turned to Sarah. "I don't think Jonny's going to have any plans right now, so we might as well go back home for now."

Kevin nodded. "We can think of ideas on our own and share them next time we're together."

Sarah nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right. We should probably take a break from thinking about all this."

The group started to disperse until an important question was asked by Rolf.

"Do we have to keep our learning journey secret from the Ed-boys and the Weird Sisters?"

Nobody had an answer.

Kevin headed toward the cul-de-sac. "We'll think of a way to ask them the next time we meet them."

Nazz followed Kevin. "Just remember that it's a pretty delicate question to ask, Kev."

Sarah, Jimmy, and Rolf left for home, Jonny leaving the junkyard without any idea that he had been watched.


	16. Part 3, Chapter 4

**Part III: Eddy or Not, Here I Come**  
Chapter Four

* * *

The Eds and the Kankers got their homework completed, the combined efforts of six people (give or take) proving more than enough to get the job done. As the girls started back to the trailer park, the Eds decided to follow them home.

"That was quite an interesting session we had, wouldn't you agree?"

Marie nodded. "Yeah. It was some tight work, but we managed to push through with it."

"At least Eddy and Ed didn't more or less watch from the sidelines."

Eddy laughed. "Yeah, Lumpy's not really one to learn outside of comic books."

"And when he does learn anything, he sometimes forgets about those lessons." Edd climbed up the fence with Ed helping everyone up over it. "I remember one day when we had to babysit Jimmy during Sarah's ballet lesson, and Eddy took to training Jimmy to be a con artist."

"Oh yeah, I remember that day." Lee turned to Eddy. "You said that Matthew had trained you in pretty much the same way, right?"

Eddy nodded. "Yeah."

Marie looked at Edd. "You said something about a history with some sport whose name I probably shouldn't mention."

"Oh, yes. The Dodgeball Incident. It started when I was in second grade, before I became friends with Ed and Eddy. My parents had recently petitioned the Peach Creek school district to lift their ban on headwear so that I could wear my hat to school."

"Obviously, since you wore it to school today, they were successful."

"Yes. Anyway, the kids there had constantly mocked me for never taking it off, and whenever we played dodgeball in gym class, everyone would try to knock my hat off to see what I was hiding under it. One day, one of the kids threw it straight into my face while both of us were toed on the foul line (essentially point blank range), and I was punted back into another kid about Ed's size, which fractured my neck. My parents sued the school district, and I was exempt from gym class until the school did away with dodgeball."

Eddy bit his lip. "Did you ever find out who threw the dodgeball at you?"

"Erm, no. The only thing I remember about them is that they said 'Payback!' just before he threw the ball at me. Ever since then, I've been weighed down with the mystery of what I could've done to prompt anyone to seek revenge on me."

Marie kicked a fallen tree branch out of the way. "Couldn't you just let your hair be straight black instead of having taffy skunk stripes?"

"I believe it was already explained that my parents made me a boy against my will. And with all the experiences I've had here, I've never been comfortable as a boy. I wear pink streaks in my hair to remind myself that I was once a girl, against my parents' insistence that I not, but after a friendless run in England, I was left with no choice but to keep it covered at all times."

The group reached the trailer, and Ed spoke up. "Weren't we talking about me earlier?"

"Hm? Oh, yes. I was explaining that Ed had used static electricity on Eddy when he had gathered us and Jimmy for what I would assume was Eddy's brother's idea of dodgeball."

"What, having you stand against a wall and having a ball thrown at you?"

Ed and Edd nodded.

"Actually, it was the move of running to the boundary line and throwing at the closest target as hard as possible that my bro taught me."

"Yes. In any case, it seemed to me that he knew what static electricity was, but didn't know how it worked and/or the full purview of static electricity. As such, I saw it in my best interest to teach him about the specifics of what makes static electricity do what it does. So, I invited him to my house one night to put on a bit of a science show..."

A voice from inside the trailer interrupted Edd. "Who's out there?"

Lee responded. "Hi, Mom."

Ed, Edd, n Eddy huddled behind their respective Kankers as the door opened to reveal the Kanker matriarch.

She was a brunette woman about a head taller than Edd, with freckles spread thickly upon her cheeks. Her figure was comparable to Eddy's; a generous curve to her hips, but not a wide load like Ed, nor a flat midriff like Edd. Her hazel eyes narrowed as her lips tightened against her vaguely yellow teeth, taking in the sight of the three young boys her stray cat daughters dragged in.

"So... these are the boys you've been seeing these past two years?"

The girls nodded.

"I see." The matriarch stepped out of the trailer to make room for her daughters. "Come on inside."

The six youngsters entered the trailer, and the matriarch followed after them, shutting the door behind her.

She gestured to the living room couch. "Have a seat on the couch, girls. Pull up some chairs, boys."

The boys sat down on the floor at the girls' feet, and the matriarch stood in front of the TV.

"I understand the six of you have been seeing each other for some time."

Edd nodded. "You could say that, yes."

Marie slid her headphones around her neck. "So, what are you doing here, Mom?"

"I stopped in to make sure you were doing your chores for the day. Since you weren't here when I arrived, I decided to wait until you got back."

May shrugged. "And now we're back."

"So, where were you girls today?"

Edd answered her. "We were at the junkyard doing homework together and sharing stories."

An eyebrow arched upward. "Why would you be doing homework in the junkyard?"

Eddy gave a response. "There's an old van in the junkyard that we three boys found two years ago and used as a hideout since then."

Lee nodded. "The back area has a waterbed, so it was an ideal place to do homework together."

"I see. How long have you known about the van?"

May responded. "We only knew about it being a gathering spot for them today."

"I see. You didn't get into any trouble there, did you?"

They all shook their heads.

"Good." She headed for the kitchen. "I'll be in the kitchen making dinner."

As she disappeared, Ed looked to Eddy. "I think that was the Kankers' mom, Eddy."

The girls nodded. "It was."

Edd pondered this. "She seems a decent woman."

Eddy wasn't so sure. "I don't know if she trusts us or not."

Lee waved her hand in dismissal. "We'll talk with her once dinner gets underway."

May got off the couch. "I'm going to go see what she's making."

* * *

While all of this had been going on, the kids were in the Lane trying to figure out how to get the truth through to Jonny.

"He's not going to believe us if we just tell him." Kevin climbed onto the fence.

Sarah followed after him. "The guy's crazy enough as it is."

"Yes, and as such, Jonny the Wood Boy shall continue to hound us until we apologize for our unmerciless beating on him."

Nazz ignored Rolf's bizarre word choice. "I think the only way he's going to believe us is if he can see what Eddy's brother did to Eddy and how he was driven to what he had done ever since he first met us."

Jimmy was doubtful that such a task could be accomplished. "How are we going to do that?"

Nazz shrugged. "Considering what Eddy's said about his brother in the time that we knew him, it's going to take a lot to convince Jonny that Eddy's brother made him the scam artist he was before we chased the Eds to that amusement park."

Kevin nodded. "Not to mention that nobody had a camera when we saw what Eddy's brother did to Eddy or what happened after that."

"Rolf is more occupied with understanding the Ed-boys embracing the presence of the Weird Sisters more suddenly than the growth of Papa's toenail fungus."

Sarah nodded. "Yeah, that is a pretty big mystery. But knowing what going on between the six of them isn't going to help us with Jonny."

Kevin thought for a moment. "But those trailer park girls could help us with keeping Jonny away from us until we can explain why we became friends with the Eds. We just need to figure out why the Eds aren't running away from them like they've done before so that we can find a way to get them to help us."

Nazz turned to Jimmy. "Didn't you once get help from the Kanker sisters in setting a trap for the Eds?"

"I only succeeded because I had a plan for luring the Eds to the shed in the woods."

Sarah remembered that day. "And to think it was you causing all that trouble on Friendship Day."

"You know, now that I think about it," Nazz leaned on the fence, "I don't get why we would get mad at all three Eds whenever only one of them did something bad to us."

Kevin shrugged. "They could've stopped the third Ed from doing what they did, but they didn't. At least that was the way I saw it."

Sarah started back to the street. "I think we should ask them what they're doing together that's got them on good terms with each other the next time we meet."

The group started discussing ways to ask the Eds their big questions.

* * *

It was clear from the fact that seven Kanker burgers were huddled upon the serving plate that the Kanker matriarch was encouraging the boys to have dinner at the trailer. Though well aware of the first time they met the Kankers, the boys knew that the girls had no intention of pulling anything on them.

The matriarch looked between the three boys. "So, you three are the three boys my daughters have been talking about?"

The Eds all nodded before introducing themselves.

"Ed."

"Edd."

"n Eddy."

The matriarch laughed. "Well, I shouldn't have any problem remembering your names, then."

"Of course, I do tend to go by the nickname Double D to distinguish myself from Ed Winters."

The matriarch's chewing grew slower. "Interesting nickname."

"It's meant to highlight my shortened name having two D's rather than one. Plus it sounds similar to my surname Daubeldi."

"Sounds French."

"Yes, my father is from Perpignan, France and my mother is from Bradford, England." Edd took a sip of powdered milk. "Out of curiosity, is there something about having 'Double D' as a nickname that seems...?"

Eddy whispered in Edd's ear.

"Oh." Edd's cheeks grew red.

"So, you're Ed Winters, you're Edd Daubeldi, and you're Eddy..."

"McGee. Eddy McGee."

The matriarch looked intensely at Eddy. "You don't have anyone in your family named Matthew, do you?"

"I have an older brother named Matthew. Why?"

"The reason I'm asking is because I got this trailer from a man named Matthew Daniel McGee."

"Yeah, this was the trailer he lived in until he went away."

Lee set down her burger. "We already told them how we got this trailer."

"Oh, yeah, how I got the letter from Matthew McGee about getting the trailer basically for free because of a treasure chest buried under the trailer."

Edd swallowed the bite in his mouth. "They also told us about how you were driven out of Peach Creek when you changed your old home phone number to the famous Tommy Tutone number."

Eddy didn't wait to swallow before speaking. "And when your dad found out, he started the construction of another cul-de-sac and left the country."

"Yeah. I got a lot of calls from guys, and I invited them to Peach Creek for a good time, but only a select few of them actually took up the offer. We'd go down to the wooded part of the creek and... have some fun. I had robes made for the men brave enough to get with me. And I stitched a name tag on them if a seed made it through."

Edd tapped his thumb on his glass of powdered milk. "Which, from the robes your daughters dressed us in when we first met them, happened three times, I'm guessing?"

"Yes. The three men that got through to me were William Butcher (Lee's father), Arnold Bubsey (Marie's father), and Rodney Michelson (May's father)."

Ed plucked the straw in his burger from his mouth. "The robes said Butch, Bubba, and Rod."

Edd turned to Ed. "I'm sure those were their nicknames." He turned his attention to Jenny. "So, what exactly drove you to change your home's phone number? And after that, why did you try to engage with all the men that called you?"

"I don't know if you know, but my family acquired the deed to Peach Creek from the town's founding family about 300 years ago."

"We discovered that during a history project last year, when we learned that Eddy's family founded Peach Creek. When the girls provided the last page of the book we were using (which, from what we were told, was torn out by Eddy's brother), we discovered that the Kankers owned Peach Creek."

"Yes, well, because of that, I grew up without a lot of friends. Everyone in my life thought that I would try to flaunt my family's status and bully them, so they wouldn't hang out with me. When I heard Tommy Tutone's song on the radio one night, I decided to change the house phone number to get guys together with me at night. It was mostly meant to give me satisfaction with an empty life."

"What happened when Butch came around?"

"When I first realized that I'd been seeded, I took a new objective to my sessions: put people in my lives that would make me feel important. So, once Lee was born, I started having more and more sessions without protections looking for seeds."

"Weren't you ever worried about contracting a disease from any of the men you met?"

"It did occur to me when I started out, but until Butch passed by, I decided that not getting what I wanted would wreck my life beyond recovery. Once the redheaded motorcycle salesman came through, though, I decided that what I needed was children."

"So, when did Bubba come to you?"

"He called me when Lee was about a month old. I later found that he had been accused of murdering his wife the year before, but by the time I found out, it was too late. His session involved stripping me completely naked, throwing me against the rocks in the creek, and planting his seed before running off into the night."

"I guess that explains those scars on your back."

Edd looked to Jenny for more on Marie's comment. "What scars?"

Jenny ignored the question. "By the time Marie was born, I had already come to the realization that I would need to find a man who would help me raise the girls. And that's when I met Rod. He seemed a promising father figure, and he could probably have stayed with me if I wasn't found out by my own father about a month after my session with Rod. When my father sent me to Lemon Brook, put the family fortune toward a construction project, and got on a cruise to Amsterdam, Rod thought I would be a waste of his time and left me."

"Did you ever see any of those men again?"

"Well, Butch got drunk while piloting a small plane after his motorcycle shop went out of business. Bubba was arrested for his wife's murder when I called the police on him. Rod has made attempts at apologizing for leaving me, but I still haven't found it in myself to get over my hatred of men."

"Was it having so many bad experiences with the men that got together at night with you that's left you with hostility toward men?"

"Basically, yes. And everything that shaped me from those experiences was passed down to my daughters."

Marie looked back and forth between her sisters. "Should we tell her?"

Lee shrugged. "She's going to find out eventually; we might as well tell her now."

Edd heard what the girls were saying. "Are you talking about what you did with us since you moved here?"

All three girls nodded.

Jenny looked to her daughters. "Are you hiding a secret from me?"

May wordlessly slipped her mother the letter that Eddy's brother had written them shortly after Jenny received full ownership of the trailer. The matriarch promptly read over the letter, and was lucky to have an empty mouth when she was done reading.

"Are you saying that this man hired you three to torment these three boys?"

"We didn't know what we were doing until the Eds got chased to Mondo a-Go Go where Matthew works."

"We followed the kids who were trying to beat them up over a bear-trap lemonade stand, and when Eddy confessed to acting out on Matthew's mentoring and antics, we realized that we had lived our lives in pretty much the same way by bullying the cul-de-sac in Matthew's absence."

"We took him into his trailer, tortured him the same way we had tortured the Eds, and raided the trailer of everything we'd sent him since agreeing to work for him, as well as his journal."

"And now, we're trying to get on better terms with them and put it all behind us."

Edd licked his fingers clean. "Might I ask how you figured out what the catalyst for Mondo a-Go Go was? I can't seem to remember anyone ever telling you three about it."


	17. Part 3, Chapter 5

**Part III: Eddy or Not, Here I Come**  
Chapter Five

* * *

"You're right." Lee stood up and took her dishes to the sink. "No one told us what that scam was specifically. But that kid with the retainer told us that you did do something to prompt everyone else to hunt you down."

Edd ran his finger in the ketchup left on his plate. "You mean Jimmy?"

"Yeah. He and his girlfriend - "

"Sarah," Ed interrupted Lee.

" - ran into us while we were doing laundry. As you can probably guess, we decided to torment the kids until they told us that all the other kids were chasing you down for a scam gone wrong. We rounded them up and had them bring us to where they saw everything happen. We found the lane completely wrecked, and we assessed the area to figure out what had happened. Once we were satisfied that we knew what the scam was and how it went wrong, we set off in search of the kids to capture them before they could do anything to you three."

Marie dropped off her dishes at the sink. "Now, remember, we were working for Matthew to cause as much trouble as we could in his place. We had them follow the clues we found to the others' whereabouts by pulling us in a wagon. We knew from the hole in Eddy's house, the tire tracks and footprints in the area, and from what the kids told us about what they saw that you guys had taken Matthew's car from his room and rode it Flintstones-style out of the house and through the neighborhood before heading off into the desert where you crashed into a rock. We also knew that the farmer kid - "

"Rolf," Edd explained.

" - had been at the crash site shortly after you had left it. And we knew that he knew from the label you left on the trunk that you had been there and were on the run to the one person that Eddy was likely to expect shelter from the kids from." Marie sat back down at the table. "Though I don't understand why you'd label a car 'out of order' when even a cactus can tell that the car had no hope of being put back together."

Edd had cleaned away the ketchup along the rim of his plate and was spiraling down to the center. "I was hoping it would ward off any would-be looters looking for spare parts by saving them the trouble of figuring out if any of it was usable. Because when Eddy tried to start the car in his brother's room, it wouldn't start; that's what prompted Ed to drive the car with his own two feet."

"Okay. Anyway, when we followed your trail to the cow farm," she glanced at a list of names and pictures Edd had compiled for her, "Sarah and Jimmy broke loose and ran off into a field of sunflowers. We lost them there, and after a search through the field turned up just evidence of your trail, we recovered our wagon from the cow farm before we followed your trail to a factory that was surrounded by thousands of fake snakes. When we went inside, we saw the place up and running, even though it looked deserted from the outside."

Ed was confused. "It wasn't running when we left to find Double D after the jelly bean prank."

May took her powdered milk glass from her lips. "Yeah, so, we went inside the factory, where we heard screaming from Kevin and his girlfriend."

"Nazz," Eddy told her.

"We followed the noises, but we couldn't find them. We heard noises from a large open pipe at the bottom of a conveyor belt, which we realized was from the two of them having fallen in. After investigating the place to find out how the place got powered up, we found a hole in a second story office floor above a large power switch. We managed to deactivate it with all three of us pushing it back up again, and we examined the snakes to trace how they got where they were. And that's how we picked up your trail again."

May got up to take her dishes to the sink, continuing their story.

"Our journey took us to the base of a waterfall, where we were able to determine that you had built a boat to ride along the waterway. From that, we followed the river until we saw the wrecked boat in a swamp. We saw a campfire in the distance, and as we got close to it, we heard a splash followed by Nazz screaming 'That's what I think of you're stupid bike!'. That's went we abducted her and tied her up. We stuffed her in the wagon, and we set off down the road to find the others, anticipating that Kevin would follow us to rescue Nazz."

Edd was almost done cleaning his plate. "Did he?"

"Well, we did find Rolf stumbling out of the swamp with a meat grinder on his head and covered in scrapes and bruises."

Eddy recoiled in befuddlement at Marie's statement. "A meat grinder? Like, on his head like a helmet?"

"Yeah. It broke off when we ran over him with the wagon, which stunned him enough for us to tie him up."

Ed moved May's chair out so she could sit back down. "How did Rolf get a meat grinder on his head?"

Lee shrugged. "We heard Nazz ask him that question, but we shushed them before he could answer her. So, we spent the night looking for Jonny, but May wanted to figure out where you three could be headed. We realized that there was only one person that anyone knew personally that didn't live in Peach Creek."

Eddy nodded. "My brother."

"Yeah." Marie changed the song on her CD player. "Having sent so many pictures, letters, cassette tapes, and video tapes to him, we knew where to go. It turned out that Mondo a-Go Go's address was 5500 Jeppesen Road; Seattle, WA 98185. We spent the night in a rocky field near the beach, and when we woke up, I went looking for Kevin disguised as Eddy."

"I'm guessing he chased you into a trap and you bound him up as well?"

All three girls nodded.

"We made our way to the amusement park where Matthew lived, and that's where we found you guys, and you know the rest of the story."

Jenny spoke up. "I don't."

Eddy let off a sigh. "So, the Kankers dumped the kids in front of us, and Sarah and Jimmy appeared following Rolf's pig. As Kevin started to get himself loose, I knocked on my brother's door. He peered out the door and asked if Mom and Dad knew I was there. I told him they didn't, and he asked if anyone knew I was there, at which point I pointed out the kids, who I said were trying to beat me up for nothing."

"He didn't take too kindly to that information, I take it?"

"No, he didn't. I introduced him to Ed and Double D, at which point he laughed, called Double D my girlfriend, and offered to shelter me from the kids."

Jenny nodded. "Yeah, with a nickname like 'Double D', I wouldn't be the least surprised that someone called you a girl."

Edd nodded. "Not long after that, he started engaging Eddy in a game of 'Uncle', where he twisted Eddy's ankle in circles as Eddy cried out 'Uncle' before releasing his foot to kick himself in the face. Then when he started rebounding Eddy off his trailer door like a basketball, I tried to talk him out of it to no avail."

Marie nodded. "Yeah, he just decked him into the ground with Eddy after laughing at him." She acted out what Eddy's brother had done to Edd. "'Belittle? He's always been little! I like you, girlfriend.'" She swung her arm forward, twisted it, and moved it over her shoulder. "'You got spunk.'"

Lee leaned to Edd's ear. "It's worth noting that he knew that you used to be a girl, and that you moved here from England."

Edd was well aware of what Eddy's brother meant when he said "spunk".

"The impact knocked his hat off, which he wears to keep his preferred hairstyle hidden, so for most of us, it was the first time we saw the top of his head."

Jenny turned to Edd. "What is under that hat of yours?"

Edd swallowed and slid his hat off, revealing pink streaks in his slicked back bed of black hair, held straight with multiple hairpins. "I wear pink streaks in my hair because I often wish I was still female."

Eddy gave a short hum. "I don't know if taffy skunk hair would do the trick, but if it works for you,..."

Jenny snickered. "Yeah, it does kind of look like skunk stripes."

Edd slipped his hat back on. "So, the kids started telling him off for his actions, providing a distraction which Ed used to unhinge the trailer door which Eddy was clinging upon, causing the door to slam into Eddy's brother's face, which left him with a concussion. As soon as Eddy recovered, he confessed that he had made up everything he'd ever told us about his brother and that he had acted like him in a misguided attempt to be popular with the neighbourhood."

"All the kids there soon started cheering for the Eds and started engaging friendly talk with them. As we started talking about everything Matthew had made us do to the Eds, Jonny finally showed up in a hijacked bus and didn't wait for anyone to tell him what happened before beating up the Eds. Naturally, the rest of the kids beat him up, after which they headed home with the Eds singing, while we brought Matthew into his trailer for some payback."

Jenny nodded as Lee's story concluded. "Yeah, I heard about the bus hijacking on the news."

"We did, too," Ed replied. "It was on the radio as we were getting ready for a party at Kevin's house."

"So, does anyone know about anything any of you did in that period of time?"

Eddy shook his head. "They only know that we had gone to my bro's place without telling anyone."

"And what did they do?"

"Well, I told them that Bro had already given me a thorough beating at his place, so they knew that the worst they could do was lecture me about not telling anyone where I was going and why."

"Sarah told my parents that she was following us, and that she had already given me the lecture they were probably going to give me."

"My parents aren't usually home, and I still have yet to figure out if they're even aware of my going to Mondo a-Go Go."

"Did any of the other kids say what their parents did?"

"Well, given the fact that we were all able to have a jawbreaker party the evening after our escapade, I would hazard to guess that the kids attributed their injuries to the Kankers. I don't know for sure if they did, but that's my best guess."

"I would probably have heard something from at least someone's parents if that were the case."

Edd shrugged. "In these parts, the name Kanker is synonymous with trouble."

Ed nodded. "We should know."

"And so far, you're the only adult in Peach Creek that knows the truth."

Jenny let off a quiet laugh. "Even so, you'd think they'd call me if everything that happened after that lemonade stand was blamed on the girls."

Lee shook her head. "Not since we ripped the place apart when the Eds made off with our ship-in-a-bottle."

Jenny was surprised. "That was you three?"

May nodded. "Of course, it might have been a good idea to start with the Eds' houses."

Marie shrugged. "They would've known that they'd have been in for it if they did try to swipe it."

"Lumpy was sleepwalking when he took that bottle. It got stuck on his finger, and we spent most of the day trying to get it off."

Edd nodded. "Thinking back, I'm surprised how none of us even noticed the carnage until after you'd reclaimed your lost possession."

May looked to Ed. "Wasn't there another time you were walking and eating in your sleep, Big Ed?"

Edd nodded. "I'm guessing you heard Eddy's bullhorn announcement for The Eds' Mart the morning afterward?"

"Yeah." Lee licked her plaque-heavy teeth. "We decided to let that scam run its course and watch the kids reacting to eating food for the second time."

May fished out a photo from the pile of photos confiscated from Eddy's brother. "We did get a picture of Big Ed stuck in his window."

Eddy burst out laughing upon seeing the photo.

"Yes. I think the only other time Ed reached that size was when he got hives from his rabbit allergies."

Jenny swished some powdered milk through her teeth before swallowing. "Was that the day the area got swarmed with rabbits?"

"Yes," the other six answered together.

Outside the trailer, they heard a car drawing near along the gravel road.

Jenny slumped in her chair and covered her eyes. "Not again."

"What?" the Eds asked as Jenny headed for the door.

"It's Rod."

They heard a car door open and close before footsteps in the gravel neared the trailer door.

* * *

Outside the trailer, Jonny looked at the picture he took of Edd's exposed head.

"Perfect." He slid it into his cloak pocket with his first picture. "Two down, four to go."

He ducked behind a trash barrel as a pair of headlights pulled up to the trailer.

"I don't know who that could be, Plank."

The car shut off, and a tall dark figure stepped out of the car and walked up to the trailer. He had short blond hair and was dressed in a sailor's uniform. He had a briefcase in one hand, and as he prepared to knock on the door, he removed his glasses and slid them in his pocket.

"Well, there's only one way to find out."

The man knocked on the trailer door, barely finishing the third knock before the door was thrust open.

"Jenny?"

"I know why you're here, Rod."

"Why am I here?"

"The same reason you were here the last fifty times since you left me."

"Jenny, please, that's not why I'm here."

"That's what you said last time. And the time before that, and the time before that, and the - "

A sneeze from the bushes cut her off, to the confusion of everyone in the trailer door.

"In case I haven't made it clear to you yet, we're never getting back together."

"Are you saying that you're happy living in a dump like this and having people think of you and your daughters (one of whom is mine) as trailer trash?"

"I don't care what people think of me or my family; if I have to work myself to death to keep my girls fed (not our girls, mind you), that's how it's going to be."

"I know you still live in that crumbling old house on the west side of the suburb."

"All the more reason not to have you back in my life, you stalker."

"Hey, you don't deserve to live this kind of life, Jenny; I'm doing you a favor because I can."

"So did the man that gave me this trailer."

"I really don't get what your problem is here."

"My problem is that you left me first because you thought we would just be another drain on your financial assets."

"And I'm trying to apologize for that."

"Why, so you can mess yourself up under my nose? Because I can still see the scars on your arm."

"Look, I came here to tell you something important about your father."

"What could you possibly know about my father?"

"If you let me in, I'll tell you."

"Fine. But just remember, I have twice the normal number of witnesses here tonight, so don't think you can get away with anything while you're here."

"As if I'd let that be a problem."

The man stepped into the trailer and shut the door behind him. At this, Jonny climbed back on top of the trash can and peered back into the window to watch as the males and females arranged themselves around the table facing each other.

"I know we can't hear anything inside the trailer, Plank. We're just waiting for the perfect pictures that we can use to shake those Eds from the Kankers."

Jonny listened to his friend talk.

"Hey, unless you know what would be embarrassing for May, Ed, Lee, or Eddy, I'm just going to follow them with this camera until we find something humiliating enough for them."

He peered back through the window, watching the two adults make wild gestures toward each other as the six children surrounding them talked quietly amongst themselves.

"Yeah, I know it's late, Plank. But they're up and about, and we're not going to bed until they do. So, we could be up for a long time here."

No sooner had he said that, a stick under the trash can snapped, shifting the can enough to throw Jonny off balance, sending him falling into the bush beside him.

Exhaustion hit him like a ton of bricks, and before he knew it, he was out like a light.


	18. Part 3, Chapter 6

**Part III: Eddy or Not, Here I Come**  
Chapter Six

* * *

Rod took note of the three boys in the trailer. "I don't remember these boys ever being here."

"They're the boys that my daughters have been crushing on ever since we moved here."

"I see. So, what are your names, boys?"

"Ed."

"Edd."

"n Eddy."

Rod gave a light laugh. "Ed, Edd n Eddy. Interesting to see three boys with the same first name." He set down his briefcase on the table. "Alright, down to business."

Jenny sat down across from Rod. "If this is going to play out the same way as the last 20 times, - "

"Before you start, I'd appreciate a briefing of what's devolved between the two of you so far."

Rod held his mouth open for a moment. "I just realized that your name sounds no different from the big guy's."

Marie responded. "The adults call him Edward, but the kids call him Double D."

Rod stifled a laugh. "I'll just stick with Edward."

"Humourous indeed." Edd adjusted his unbuttoned polo shirt collar. "Anyway, would either of you care to bring us three up to speed on what's been going on between the two of you?"

May put a word in. "You already know that he's my dad."

Jenny nodded. "And he was the third man to leave me with a daughter."

Edd bit his lip. "I am somewhat confused about your reason for wishing to reunite with a woman who has been with a myriad of other men."

"Well, you see, Edward, when Jenny's dad disowned her after realizing that she'd been seeing a lot of guys under his nose, I had assumed that Jenny was going to be relying entirely on me for support. I had only gotten employed as a cruise ship captain five years after I had my session with Jenny, so I didn't have a lot of money on me at the time. As of recently, I've managed to get a salary sufficient enough to support a whole family singlehandedly."

"I don't need a sailor's wages to support my daughters; I can do just fine working at the new cul-de-sac that's being built."

"Don't you think these girls deserve to live the kind of life that these three boys are living? In a suburb having fun with the people around them?"

Lee joined her sisters behind their mother. "You know, until last week, they were the most hated kids on Rethink Avenue."

"That's beside the point; I'm saying that living in a trailer is going to make for a difficult life for all of you girls."

Eddy joined his friends behind Rod. "If there's anything to learn from my brother, it's that a hard life will never get you what you want, no matter what anyone tries to tell you."

Jenny cracked open a bottle of ketchup. "I'll tell you what I've told you many times before, Michelson: you can't leave a deer in a trap and expect them to accept your help when you return after a week."

"I couldn't have known that I would become what I am now when I left you."

"And isn't it interesting that you became a cruise ship captain after we met in light of my family's enthusiasm for sea travel?"

Ed looked at Rod's briefcase. "Didn't you say you had something about Grandpa Kanker?"

"Oh, yes. Thank you, Ed." Rod popped open his briefcase and sifted through the papers within until he found the paper he was looking for. "Your father told me to give this to you."

Jenny took the slip of paper and read over it, her daughters reading along with her. Upon finishing the reading, Jenny's head fell back over the top of her chair, after which came a long moan.

"May we read over it, please?"

Jenny wasted no time passing the message to Edd, who read it alongside his friends.

 _Dear Jenny,_

 _I've been told by your last Tutone boy, Rodney Michelson, that your daughters had carried out some rather atrocious behavior against the owner of an amusement park in downtown Seattle. This piece of news has me greatly concerned that you're not being a responsible mentor to them. Granted, your decision to have the home's phone number changed to the Tutone number was a foolish one on your part, but you ought to have found someone that could've served as a proper father figure alongside you for your girls._

 _With concerns that you don't seem to be taking anything in your life as seriously as you should, I have taken it upon myself to return to Peach Creek to set you straight and put to rest all of the issues between you and Mr. Michelson. And I do not intend to rest until I have accomplished my goal._

 _From,_

 _Your father_

 _P.S. I'm already at the old homestead, so don't think this meeting won't happen._

Edd looked to Rod. "Is this talking about when we went to Mondo a-Go Go?"

"Yeah. I knew about everything the girls had done with you three ever since they moved here, and when I heard a news report about a bus reportedly being hijacked by a piece of wood mention an amusement park owner being covered in lipstick, it occurred to me that the girls had smothered him with kisses within that time frame."

May scratched her leg against the table leg. "How did you tell our grandpa?"

"He was on a cruise ship I was captaining from Miami to Puerto Vallarta and then Los Angeles. I learned who he was while playing him in a game of pool shortly before heading through the Panama Canal, and when I heard about what the girls had likely done on the news, I told Old Man Kanker about it, and he told me to tell you that he was on his way here to talk to you about what you've done with your life so far."

Edd was confused. "What was Grandpa Kanker doing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean? From what we were told, he had moved to Amsterdam shortly after initiating the construction project in the neighbourhood."

"He did. He was on a vacation cruise, and I was the captain on the leg from Miami to Puerto Vallarta."

Jenny snapped the lid closed on the ketchup bottle. "So, he's waiting at my old house, then?"

"Yeah. So, given that he knows which trailer is yours, it doesn't seem to me that you really have much choice in terms of avoiding him."

Edd cleared his throat. "If you want, we could accompany you for when you two meet and mediate the situation as best we can."

Jenny took a moment to consider this. "I suppose. I could use the moral support."

Lee started toward the door. "We should probably start heading over there now."

"The sooner it starts, the sooner it can end."

Jenny made her way out of the trailer, her daughters, Rod, and the Eds following close behind.

* * *

Edd paused to take in Rod's hotrod. "Haven't I seen this somewhere before?"

Rod turned to Edd. "Why would it look familiar?"

"I just remember seeing a similar car parked on our driveway two summers ago."

"Hm." Rod looked at the car. "Well, this girl's got five seats, so..."

Ed volunteered a solution. "We could ride on the roof."

Jenny shook her head. "That seems a little dangerous, don't you think?"

"We've had worse things happen to us." Eddy started listing several things that the Eds had done before. "Riding a homemade roller-coaster, getting thrown out of Ed's house during a movie marathon, challenging Rolf to the Urban Rangers' hardest badge, all that jazz."

The girls all provided a plan B. "We'll ride in the trunk."

Without waiting for approval, they popped open the trunk, climbed into the empty compartment, and shut the hood on top of themselves.

Jenny and Rod exchanged puzzled looks before shrugging and climbing into the passenger and driver seats respectively. Ed, Edd, n Eddy piled into the back seats, Edd taking care to ensure the seatbelts were properly fastened.

"Alright. Next stop, the old Kanker homestead." Rod started the car and started toward the trailer park entrance.

As the car rolled down the gravel road, the Kankers popped open the seat back behind Eddy, who was seated in the middle.

Edd turned to address the girls in the trunk. "Are you three comfortable in there?"

Lee responded. "Yeah, this isn't the first time we've been in the trunk of this car."

"Really?"

"Yeah." May finagled toward the opening. "This was one of the hiding spots we used to spy on you guys when you guys were babysitting Big Ed's sister."

Eddy raised an eyebrow. "That was this car?"

"Yeah." Marie forced herself to the open panel. "We swiped the keys one night while Rod was here and parked it outside your house, leaving the keys in the ignition and hiding in the trunk."

Edd was disturbed. "I don't think any of you are old enough to drive."

Lee dismissed the notion. "Licenses don't really do much apart from stopping cops from chewing out your - " A bump in the road threw the girls against the trunk hood.

"But still, how could you have explained the missing car to your mother?"

"They were too busy arguing to hear us driving away, and when we made it back to the trailer, Mom and Dad were out looking for the car." May giggled. "By the time they got back, we were on the couch painting our nails and watching TV."

The car slowed to a stop in front of the old abandoned house. "And here we are."

The adults stepped out of the car parked on the roadside, followed by the Eds and then the Kankers, squeezing into the passenger cab through the open seat back.

The Kankers led the entourage to the house's doorstep, the gathering punctuated by Marie's finger on the doorbell.

Five seconds passed, and the door opened to reveal an elderly man with snow white hair. He wore large glasses and a dress suit, and seemed rather fit for a man in his mid-sixties.

"Ah, Jenny. I'm glad you're here. Come in, all of you." He stepped away from the door and gestured for the group of eight to enter.

The party assembled on the staircase leading to the second floor. Rod and Jenny leaned on either railing base while the Eds sat in a row on the bottom-most step, their respective crushes sitting directly behind them.

Old Man Kanker took in the children in front of him. "I can see a lot has changed since I left this place. Got any more Tutone boys since I left, Jenny?"

Jenny shook her head. "No, the girls are my daughters; the boys are their crushes."

"What are the girls' names?"

Rod introduced them. "The blonde bucktooth is May, the tall redhead is Lee, and the blue-haired goth girl is Marie."

Edd took to introducing the boys. "This is Ed Winters, he's Eddy McGee, and I'm Eddward Daubeldi."

"So, each of you boys is named Edward, huh?"

"Pretty much. Now, Mr. Michelson said you wanted to talk to your daughter?"

"Yes, I did." Old Man Kanker brought out chairs for Jenny, Rod, and himself, allowing the kids to spectate.

The old man cleared his throat. "So, Jenny, I understand your daughters have been causing a great deal of trouble in the neighborhood. According to Mr. Michelson, your girls have been tormenting the children of Rethink Avenue, particularly these three boys."

Marie placed her headphones around her neck. "We're trying to get on better terms with them now."

The boys all nodded in agreement.

"Still, from what I've been told, you seemed to have been mentoring them to think of men as dangerous at all times, even though all your Tutone boys seemed to be a great pleasure to you."

"Look, Dad, I just needed a way to cope with being ostracized by everyone in school. Nobody I talked to you had any useful advice, since I had no friends growing up."

"But still, you had no reason to change the house's number so that calls would flood in for you to invite men from around the state into the woods for coitus."

"I couldn't live a life completely alone; the whole telephone number thing started as a suicide attempt that became a campaign for children and then a quest for a father figure."

"And you didn't think of me when you did it?"

"You were always out fishing in the Bering Sea; I never got to talk to you about my problems."

"Er, quick question," Edd interrupted. "What was your mother like?"

Old Man Kanker explained. "She died giving birth to Jenny."

"Oh. Sorry if I brought up a painful subject."

That's when something occurred to Ed. "So, how did you go about raising Jenny if you were always gone fishing?"

"The house servants were the ones to look after her while I was out fishing."

Jenny nodded. "But they were mainly focused on keeping the house in order rather than being the company I so desperately needed."

Eddy was confused. "Did they ever find out about you changing the number for the house?"

"By the time that happened, the servants had found other places to work. I was 19 when I changed the number, and Butch seeded me when I was 20."

Old Man Kanker looked quizzically to Jenny. "Who's Butch?"

"William Butcher, Lee's father. He was a motorcycle salesman from Lemon Brook. His business went bankrupt a year after we had our session, and he got drunk before taking off from Tacoma Narrows Airport and crashing into the waters off Sunset Beach."

"How did you find out about that?"

"Marie's father, Arnold Bubsey (or Bubba, as he called himself), told me about it. He had stomped me onto the rocks in the creek before going in for the seed planting and whispering to me 'I'd have brought you to Sunset Beach, but I'd hate to see propeller parts in your hair'. After he left and I'd called the police, I headed to Sunset Beach to see what Bubba was talking about. Through the people there, I found that a Mooney Bravo had crashed off the beach. Just before Marie was born, I learned that Butch had downed a bottle of whiskey before taking off and lost control of his plane over the water."

All six kids on the steps shuddered at the tale.

The old man crossed his arms. "You put yourself in that danger with the phone number change."

Jenny took a drink of ketchup to stifle her tears. "I just wanted to have people in my life that actually cared about me. And not having any friends when I needed them was enough to drive me to look for love with extreme measures."

Rod patted her on the back. "I can get you that and more."

Ed derailed the discussion. "Do you always drink ketchup, Lady Kanker?"

Jenny sealed the bottle in her hand. "I've been trying to put down an addiction to hot sauce that started after Rod left me. That said, I still think he should stay out of my life."

Edd wasn't convinced. "The only thing Rod did wrong was write you off as a lost cause when your father realised what you'd been doing with your after-school life. He's trying to apologise for that, and all the reasons he had for abandoning you have long been remedied. I mean, look at us six; your daughters were the bane of our existence until last week, and we're now working to put the past behind us. It seems to me that you're just acting out of PTSD from your session with Bubba on top of Butch's aircraft-induced suicide. Rod only left you because he didn't have the necessary income to aid you in supporting the girls when you first met. He may not have broken that information gently, but if he gets what he needs to raise a family, there's no reason to reject him."

Jenny contemplated the words of the sock-headed Briton. "Well, you see, Edward, my worry is that Rod's work as a cruise ship captain will keep him away for long lengths of times the same way my fisherman father was almost always in the Bering Sea catching pollock."

"My parents are both airline pilots, and they fly regularly around the country and around the world. And they do a rather stellar job in supporting me."

"Airplanes can fly anywhere in the world in a matter of hours. But an ocean vessel would need about a week to get from Seattle to Anchorage. So, your parents have an advantage over sea transportation."

"Still, even if he is away for protracted periods of time, he'll still do what he can for you."

Eddy let off a yawn. "It's getting a little late. We should probably get some shut-eye if we're going to make it to school on time tomorrow."

As Jenny stood up, she noticed a gaping hole in the floor behind the stairs leading to the second floor. "Do any of you six know anything about this?"

All the kids shook their heads. "No."

Seeing a rope tied to the second floor railing draping down into the hole had her suspicious. "I'll see what's down there tomorrow. But for now, I should probably get some sleep."

Edd looked to Rod and OMK. "Are you two alright?"

They both nodded.

"Alright, then." He headed for the door with the others as Marie inserted the doorknob and opened the door. "We will see you girls later."


	19. Part 4, Chapter 1

**Part IV: Where There's a Will, There's an Ed**  
Chapter One

* * *

"Police investigating the bus hijacking to Mondo a-Go Go have announced their first solid lead in the case. A survey of park manager Matthew McGee's trailer has yielded a potential motive: Mr. McGee has identified items missing from his trailer, including a collection of journals, photo albums, VHS tapes and cassette tapes, though he has not disclosed the contents of the items in question. When asked about who could've made off with the goods, he said that he believed the likely culprits were three sisters who were living in his old trailer in Peach Creek, an assertion made from the lipstick impressions on his body.  
"The passengers from the hijacked bus say that there was only one hijacker with one possible accomplice involved, neither of whom were believed to be female. Corroborating these testimonies was the recollections of Matthew McGee, who said that the three sisters he named as suspects in the ransacking of his trailer were with eight other children, three of whom were bound and gagged and one other being his younger brother. Background checks of each passenger yielded no evidence of any kind of mental illness among them, and the identity of the bus hijacker remains unknown.  
"Analysis of the area surrounding McGee's trailer showed signs of inward denting in the trailer door and outward damage to its top hinge. Blood found at the bottom of the door was identified as belonging to Matthew McGee, and the surrounding dent was matched to McGee's concussion. Analysis of the ground within view of the door showed evidence that the door had been thrown off its hinges. Fingerprint analysis showed fingerprints not belonging to Matthew McGee, and are believed to belong to the people whom McGee claimed were on his doorstep at the time of the bus hijacking.  
"Residents in Peach Creek interviewed by investigators deny that their children had ever left the neighborhood, stating that their children had told them that three sisters from the trailer park had made off with them. The interviews have left Matthew McGee's testimony facing scrutiny, and a background check of Matthew McGee revealed evidence of him stalking a woman believed to be a former prostitute from Peach Creek who'd lived in Lemon Brook until 2012. McGee has denied the allegations of stalking, but the evidence has raised questions of credibility with McGee's testimony.  
"At the same time, reports are coming in of recent developments of the accident in Peach Creek. Investigators have found evidence of a lemonade stand in the path of the ice cream truck involved in the accident, but have made no determination as to whether or not a connection exists between the two. What is known is that the majority of the children of the neighborhood were at the lemonade stand when the accident happened, and were unable to witness the accident unfolding or escape from the truck's path once it went off the road. A possible connection to the bus hijacking has not been ruled out."

The radio stopped with the car's engine, and the headlights dimmed before the two occupants exited the vehicle.

"I sink its time we 'ad a talk wis our son, _non?_ "

"Indeed. And we're not home very often, so we must make it count."

* * *

"Your mother seems like a decent woman." Edd led the group down the street back to the cul-de-sac.

"Yeah." Marie shrugged. "I wish I could say Rod was a decent guy."

"What's wrong with Rod?" Ed asked.

Eddy nodded. "Yeah, Rod's a cool guy."

"I like my dad." May scratched the bridge of her nose.

Lee shrugged. "I don't think he can do anything to make our lives better for us."

Edd rounded the street corner. "Oh, my."

"What?" the girls asked.

"Mother and Father are home."

Eddy realized what this meant. "Do they know what happened last week?"

"They're likely aware that I've gone through yet another scam with you, but I don't know if they're aware of further details."

Marie approached the front door of Edd's house. "Only one way to find out."

The six kids assembled on the doorstep, and Edd opened the door. They were soon met by a man and a woman in pilots' uniforms.

"Hello, Mother. _Bonsoir, Père._ "

Mrs. Daubeldi spoke first. "Good evening, Edward. We were expecting you to be in bed already."

Her husband nodded. " _Oui_. You know zat you 'ave school tomorrow, _non?_ "

" _Oui, perdon._ We were just busy with our after-study time, and we were wrapped up in the moment."

Edd's mother slid away from the door. "And that's exactly what we're here to talk about."

Mr. Daubeldi gestured inside. "Come in, _s'il vous plaît._ "

The group of six entered the house and piled on the stairs, the Eds seated in front of the Kankers.

"We're here to zpeak to you about zese two boys zat you've taken up companionzhip wis, son."

Eddy looked to the French pilot. "What about us?"

The woman pulled up seats for her and her husband. "It seems to us that your friends here have been a bad influence on you, son."

Ed knew where this was going. "We're not doing scams anymore, Double D's mom and dad."

"Zat's not what Chris and Janine told us ze last time we were 'ere."

"Nor was that the word from Richard and Alice the last time we were here."

Eddy shrugged. "How often do you get to stop by here and talk to our parents?"

"Zat's not important; we've been 'earing reports on ze news stations zat somesing 'ad 'appened after our last stay 'ere."

Edd let off a breath. "About that lemonade stand that got run over by an ice cream truck?"

" _Oui._ Zat and ze fact zat ze rest of ze parents of zis neighborhood 'ad lost sight of zeir children for an entire day after zat 'appened."

Mrs. Daubeldi straightened her jacket. "We would've been here sooner, but we had to fly to Punta Cana before we could return here."

Marie shrugged. "I don't see what there is to worry about. Double D's right here and just as fine as the last time you were here."

"Our main concern is that that won't be the case the next time something like this happens."

"There won't be a next time," all six kids responded together.

Mr. Daubeldi folded his arms. "We know our son and _ses amis_ well enough to know zat zere will be a next time."

The Kankers shook their heads before Lee spoke up. "But you weren't here to see what's happened during that lemonade stand."

"From what we've heard from the news stations, all the kids in the cul-de-sac had been taken captive to your trailer shortly after the ice cream van wrecked the lemonade stand in the Lane."

May tossed her hair back. "We did round up most of the kids on this street, but there's more to the story than that."

Edd looked to his parents. "I don't know if the other parents will take kindly to what happened, so please don't tell anyone else."

Mr. Daubeldi stared down the girls. "We know what you've been doing wis our son and 'is friends zese last two years, so don't sink you won't 'ear from eizer of us."

"Father, please. We're trying to make amends with the girls, and they're striving to do the same."

His mother folded her arms. "And why should we believe that?"

Lee stood up. "You have to promise not to let slip what we're about to tell you."

Suspicious eyebrows rose on the faces of Edd's parents.

"Zis better not connect to ze 'issyfit from a few monss ago."

The kids all shook their heads at the man's belief. "It doesn't."

Marie added on. "But our rampage in looking for our ship-in-a-bottle does connect to why none of the adults have tried to get back at us for what we did last week."

"What did you do last week?" Edd's mother asked.

Eddy decided to start. "It started with the lemonade stand. We were setting up shop and were showing off some of the things we'd be using for it to some of the kids."

Ed continued. "The stand created a wreck in the Lane that hurt most of the kids and caused an ice cream truck to crash into it."

Edd picked up. "The kids started hunting us down, and we escaped in Eddy's brother's car, after which we started exploring blindly in search of Eddy's brother's abode."

Marie started the Kankers' side of the story. "We found out about the failed lemonade stand from two of the kids who only saw the aftermath, and we set off in search of the kids who were chasing the Eds."

May told the next part. "We found the head cheerleader on one side of a swamp, and the weird farmer boy on the other side of the swamp. The football player was found on the street leading to Seattle."

Lee got in at that point. "We figured that the Eds would be looking for Eddy's brother, and we had his home's address, which turned out to be the trailer at the back of the Mondo a-Go Go amusement park."

The two pilots looked to the boys before the male one spoke. "How did you even find ze amusement park in ze first place, Edward?"

Edd took a breath. "We didn't really know where we were going, as none of us knew where Eddy's brother was. Our journey was complicated by the fact that we had no means of determining our location. We continuously tried to deduce the places Eddy's brother could be, but even though we were lucky enough to find all the necessary landmarks, we couldn't find any indication that Eddy's brother was ever there."

That's when something occurred to Ed. "How did you girls get in the park after we got there?"

May gave the answer. "We picked open the lock on the gate and followed your voices to Matthew's trailer."

Edd thought about this. "I suppose that would explain Sarah and Jimmy making it there, as well as Jonny."

His mother looked to her son. "Now, how about your interactions with Matthew? The news stations have been saying that there were signs of a tussle in which Matthew received a concussion from a loose trailer door and lipstick impressions while he was unconscious."

Eddy nodded. "I knocked on my brother's door after the Kankers showed up with the rest of the kids except Jonny, and I told him they wanted to beat me up for nothing."

Edd glanced toward Eddy. "Of course, we all know that your actions started the incident that led to the injuries inflicted upon Rolf, Nazz, Jonny, and Kevin."

"It's not my fault that an ice cream truck was in the street when Jonny dug his way out of the Lane."

"But your springing the juicer caused a tree to fall and send debris into the rest of the kids."

"You were the one that built the stupid thing!"

"But if you'd just listened to what I had said, and not pushed the red button, - "

Lee pushed the boys apart. "Enough already! We don't need another breakup here."

Edd was confused. "What do you mean 'another breakup'?"

May responded. "You already broke up in the swamp; we don't want you guys to drift apart again."

Ed was surprised. "How did you know about that?"

"What, your argument in the swamp?" Lee sat back down. "We saw your muddy footprints on the road after we captured Nazz and Rolf, and we could tell that Edd and Eddy were arguing from their footprints mingled together."

Marie nodded. "We also saw Oven Mitt's footprints go off alone toward Peach Creek and Lemon Brook before turning back around toward Seattle."

May took a small swallow. "What were you guys fighting over in the swamp, anyway?"

Edd gave a sigh. "Ed and Eddy had pranked me into believing that they had sunk in quicksand, and I was furious at them for having me believe that I'd lost the only people I had in the world at that time."

May glared at Eddy. "Why would you do something like that, Eddy? You were on the run from people who wanted to beat you guys up, and you were wandering around the place without any idea where you were going or how to find Matthew."

Eddy sighed. "I wanted to put some fun in my life before I was beaten up by the kids. I don't know if you'd passed by the Lemon Brook gag factory or not, - "

"We did," the girls interrupted.

Marie adjusted her headphones. "We saw all the snakes surrounding the factory, and when we went inside, we found an empty jelly bean can at the center of the field of snakes."

Eddy nodded. "Yeah, so, I thought for sure that we were as good as dead if those kids found us. My plan was to lure the kids to my bro's place, have him beat them up, and hope that we'd make it back to Peach Creek before he tried to beat me up. But considering the kind of track record we had, I assumed that getting killed was inevitable, and that it was just a matter of whether it was at the hands of the kids, at the hands of my brother, or during our journey to find him."

May interrupted him. "What's your point?"

"The point is that I wanted to pack in as much fun as I could before my inevitable demise."

Edd adjusted his shirt collar. "But you clearly got carried away with doing so, and you nearly lost a lifelong friend because of it."

His mother stepped in. "I feel we've experienced a lengthy digression from your encounter with Matthew McGee."

"Oh, yeah." Marie decided to explain. "So, at first, Matthew made himself out to be a pretty cool guy apart from him calling Double D Eddy's girlfriend."

The pilots exchanged quick glances with each other before Lee picked up.

"It didn't take long before Matthew started beating up Eddy, first by twisting his leg to make him kick himself in the face, then by repeatedly throwing him against the trailer door. When Double D called him out on his actions, Matthew slammed Eddy into him and knocked off his hat."

Lee picked up where Marie left off. "When Matthew started trying to pull Eddy off the trailer door, the kids started calling him out for his actions as well."

May stepped in at that point. "That's when Big Ed pulled out one of the bolts holding the trailer door's hinges, causing the door to come off and hit Matthew in the head."

Ed got in on the talk. "When we got to Eddy, he told us that he'd made up everything he'd told us about his brother to make himself look cool."

Eddy nodded. "And that's when the kids started to charge us... before they all started cheering for us."

Mr. Daubeldi was taken aback. " _Attends un peu..._ you're saying zat one minute ze kids were out to beat ze sree of you up for a lemonade stand zat sent an ize creme truck into ze Lane, and ze next minute zey were embracing you sree as _amis_?"

May tried to explain. "It was Matthew's influence on Eddy that drove him to scamming."

The female pilot folded her arms. "But Eddy still made the choice to be a scam artist on his own accord."

"Your son made the choice to keep his head covered all the time instead of doing away with his taffy skunk hairdo."

Marie's response cut deep.

" _Touché._ "

"Edward, how many times have we told you that you can't go around wearing pink streaks in your hair?"

Edd sighed. "Mother, please. I only do it because I don't like being a male."

Marie looked to Edd. "What's wrong with being a guy, Double D? I mean, your nickname is fit for a girl if you think about it. Isn't that enough?"

"I just don't like reacting to females the way males do. I don't know if you remember that day when most of the boys, ourselves included, were all ogling over Nazz, but... that's one of the reasons I hate being male."

Ed nodded. "He was also scared of Sarah after he gave her a flower and she started following him."

"So, are you saying that you're scared of girls because you don't like being a boy?"

"It's not so much a phobia as it is a distrust of my own hormones."

"What do you mean?"

"I like being able to talk to people without losing my nerve. It's already difficult being mainly interested in maths, science, and biology, but girls make it especially difficult with the way they seem to think of me." Edd gave a sideways glance toward Eddy. "Not to mention my difficulties in suppressing my emotions with Eddy's magazines."

May let off a light laugh. "Yeah, I remember when Big Ed dumped a box of magazines on our doorstep."

Eddy nodded. "I still can't believe Ed managed to get my magazines onto your doorstep."

Lee smirked. "You should be lucky we didn't keep them."

Marie got the discussion back on track. "Can you really blame the girls for liking you, Double D? You're everything a girl could want in a man, especially a girl like me."

Edd's mother laughed. "Why would a goth girl want someone like our son?"

"Because I don't like being a goth girl."

The answer confounded the pilots. "So zen, why would you go out of ze way to be one?"

Marie took a hard swallow. "I did it so that I wouldn't be seen as a target for bullying."

The female pilot gave a soft laugh. "Instead, you were bullying our son and his friends?"

"It's a long story," all six kids responded.

The Frenchman raised an eyebrow. "Why would zat be?"

Edd decided to explain to his father. "I don't know if you had ever talked to a Matthew McGee after we moved here?"

Mrs. Daubeldi looked to Eddy. "He's your brother, right?"

Eddy nodded. "Yeah. My brother had hired the Kanker sisters to bully us and the rest of the kids in his place."

The girls nodded before Lee spoke. "After we saw what Matthew was like, we decided to torture him the way we'd tortured the Eds. After that, we raided his trailer of all the things we'd sent him since arriving in Peach Creek, and now we're trying to get on better terms with Ed, Edd n Eddy."

Edd nodded. "So far, it's all going smoothly, and right now, our main priority is figuring out what Jonny Toubai-Fower is doing."

Eddy nodded. "We haven't seen him since we left the amusement park."

Ed nodded. "All we do know is that he's plotting some sort of plot against all the kids on this street."

The female pilot got out a pad of sticky notes. "I'll be sure to talk to Jonny's parents before we leave. If we find out anything, we'll let you know."

Mr. Daubeldi folded his arms. "Well, seeing zat ze six of you 'ave school tomorrow, you'd best get yourselves to bed _bientôt._ " He looked to the Kankers. "I expect zat you girls not give my son or 'is friends any trouble from now on. So 'ear zis now: for now, we will keep what you just told me and _mon femme_ a secret; but as soon as we are aware of any trouble from you, we will let loose what really 'appened after ze lemonade stand to all ze parents on zis street. _Comprendre?_ "

All three girls rendered a salute. "We hear and obey."

Edd's mother opened the door. "Your mother is probably looking for you girls. Understand that we also intend to speak to her tomorrow."

Marie waved as she and her sisters left. "See ya tomorrow, Cutie Pie!"

Ed and Eddy were next to leave. "Bye, Double D."

"Night, Sockhead."

As soon as the door closed, Edd started up the stairs, his parents close behind.

"We'll talk tomorrow morning, Edward."

"Yes, Mother."

" _Bonne nuit, fils._ "

" _Bonne nuit, Père._ "

* * *

Jonny had made it back to Rethink Avenue in time to hear the end of Edd's parents talking with the Eds and Kankers, and he was in his underground lair brainstorming ideas with Plank.

"So, it looks like Double D's parents know about us going after the Eds after their lemonade stand went crazy on us. And they'll keep it a secret as long as the Kankers don't give the Eds any trouble."

He listened as Plank added his input.

"Right. We know that they won't have any problems keeping their promise on their own. So, it won't be any good to wait for them to crack."

He started scribbling notes on a roll of paper.

"Yeah. All we have to do is find a way to do something to Ed, Edd n Eddy, and then put the blame on the Kankers. As soon as Double D's parents find out, they'll tell everyone else in the neighborhood. So, we just need to find something to do to them."

He paused as his friend brought up an important point.

"Right. Our parents would also find out about it." He tapped the pen to his chin. "We'll have to see if they know about us hijacking a bus to find the Eds."

He let off a yawn as his friend asks a question.

"I don't know how we'll figure it out. But until then, we should probably go to bed." He picked up Plank and headed up to his bedroom. "And we're not having free range soybeans before bed. Not after what happened last time."

He laughed as Plank recalled the memory.

"I can't believe Ed could think that I was his mom."

He made it to the bedroom at that point.

"Yeah, we definitely wouldn't have that kind of nightmare again, since the Eds seem to have stopped fearing the Kankers. But I still don't get what's going on between them."

He tucked himself into bed.

"Yeah, you're right. We shouldn't stay up all night thinking about it." He reached for his lamp and switched it off. "Sweet dreams, buddy."

* * *

The next morning, the pilots were talking to their son as he prepared for school.

"Good morning, Edward." His mother was at the stove preparing bacon and eggs. "I hope you slept well last night."

"Yes, Mother. I did." He sat down at the dining room table.

His father set down his coffee. "So, we talked last night about ze girls zat were 'ere."

"I figured as much." Edd set about to his breakfast. "They've turned a new leaf, and we're trying to leave behind the events of the years following their arrival in Peach Creek." A batch of bacon and eggs landed on his plate.

"Well, right now, we're not ready to trust them until we can talk to their mother and garner more information." Mrs. Daubeldi served her husband. "So, don't go dating them right now."

Edd laughed. "Did you think I would?"

His father shrugged. " _Vous seriez surpris._ "


	20. Part 4, Chapter 2

**Part IV: Where There's a Will, There's an Ed**  
Chapter Two

* * *

All the kids were on the bus on their way to school. The Kankers were the last ones to show up at the bus stop, which while to be expected of them, drew curious thoughts on the fact that they said nothing while waiting for the bus.

Only once they were on their way to the school did Marie start talking with Edd.

"So, what did your parents talk about today, Double D?"

"They told me that they didn't want me dating any of you girls until they could talk with your mother."

"Did you tell them that we're not dating? That we're trying to bury the hatchet with you guys?"

"I did. Though I was slightly taken aback by my parents' belief that I would start dating you here and now."

Marie slid her headphones around her neck. "I'd be the happiest girl in the world if we could be together forever."

"Yes, you made that quite clear the previous Valentine's Day and during the winter dance that destroyed the school building."

"Yeah." She gave a brief glance out the window. "Don't expect anything like that to happen again."

* * *

The bus arrived at the school, and the kids all disembarked and headed inside. The Eds and Kankers went to their lockers, while the others made for the cafeteria to have their own little talk.

Jonny, however, secretly followed after the Eds and Kankers.

* * *

As the Eds and Kankers were walking through the hall, May stopped at a water fountain for a drink. Marie let off a light laugh as she looked around the area.

The giggles were noticed by Edd. "What's so funny, Marie?"

"Oh, I was just remembering that day when Eddy went around disguising himself as a bunch of new kids."

Edd made the connection. "Oh, yes, there was graffiti scribbled above a water fountain, and Eddy wanted to know who wrote it."

Eddy remembered that day. "I would've found out if somebody didn't keep changing the name on it."

"I admit to altering the name in the message, but only because you denounced me and Ed to Kevin's former trademark tag." Edd set his backpack down. "It only worked because of your tendency to act on impulse."

Eddy straightened his shirt. "So, then, who wrote the first note on the wall?"

Marie raised a hand. "I did."

Edd wasn't too surprised by the admission, but he was still curious. "Whatever for?"

"My sisters and I had had an argument over you guys that day, and I wrote it on the wall in a fit."

Lee let off a smile. "That was still a bold move on your part, Double D."

"Oh, yes, changing the name to coax Eddy out of his disguise."

Marie nodded. "Of course, it wasn't the only time you got bold enough for that kind of stuff."

Ed pondered this. "You mean like that day when Double D became a Nasty McDust-Your-Knuckles?"

"No," all three girls responded.

Edd still had bad memories of that day. "Those were all unintended misfortunes; I wasn't out to hurt anyone."

Eddy laughed in disbelief. "Yeah, right. Nailing Rolf to the lockers by tossing pencils at him? Beating down on all three Kankers in one day? You expect me to believe those were accidents?"

"They were," all three girls responded.

Edd was confused. "You mean you knew I hadn't become a lowly thug that day?"

Lee nodded with her sisters. "Why'd ya think I called ya a clumsy oaf after your brawl at The Pit?"

Eddy was in need of answers. "How would you know what Sockhead did?"

May decided to explain. "We figured that Double D dropped the book on Lee's foot by accident, since it was a really heavy book."

Lee nodded. "We went to the nurse's office to get my foot patched up, and as we were leaving, the bald kid barged in with that one guy over his shoulder."

Ed knew who she was talking about. "Jonny and Rolf?"

"Yeah." Marie took a swig of water. "Jonny said that Oven Mitt had pelted Rolf to the lockers by throwing a cup of pencils at him. We didn't believe it, so we went over to the lockers to figure out what happened."

The group of six made their way to the lockers, where the Kankers illustrated their actions from that day.

Marie was the one to start. "We found where it all happened because the pencils were still stuck in the lockers. Once we were there, we started collecting as much evidence as we could."

Lee walked to Edd's locker. "We found a bottle of whiter fluid on the floor near Double D's locker, which was slightly misshapen as if someone had stepped on it. Picking open the locker, we found a couple of yellow stitches on the jacket hook inside."

Edd was uneasy about girls breaking into her locker. "I trust you made all efforts to prevent contaminating the scene?"

May nodded. "We figured that you'd dropped the bottle of whiter fluid as you were getting your pencils out, and that you'd slipped on it, kicked Rolf in the face, and got your tie caught on the hook in the locker. As you were getting up, you slipped again, kicking Rolf again and tossing your pencils at him."

Edd nodded. "Yeah, that's basically how it all happened."

Eddy opened his locker. "So, what about the cafeteria?"

Marie responded. "We saw you parading Dreamboat as a tough guy, and we saw all the kids reacting in fear to him. I decided to try and pick a fight with one of the other kids to have Double D break us up and show himself for who he was."

Edd remembered the encounter. "Obviously, it didn't go to plan because of yet another mishap."

"Right. I could tell from a fork falling to the floor that you weren't trying to hit Jonny, so I was going to give you a bruising to show you off as a weakling until Jonny flew into me."

Ed swallowed hard. "What about me?"

May stepped in. "You hit yourself with the chair when you pulled it out of Double D's hand. And when he tried to check on you, you jumped on top of him, wrapped him around you, and started wrecking the cafeteria, beating yourself up in the process and laying waste to whatever was in your path, including me."

Eddy let off a breath of air. "Man, that's crazy. If you and Curly-Q set up that fight so you'd get creamed by him, then I'm a monkey's uncle."

Edd nodded. "We did."

Ed offered Eddy a... "Banana?"

Eddy smacked Ed's hand. "Cut it out, Ed."

"Anyway," Marie changed the song she was listening to, "what I was getting at was that time Double D went around wrecking Eddy's room after he tried to ask us for a cup of sugar."

"Oh, yes, when Eddy and Ed went about forging sticky notes from my parents to make me do absurd tasks."

"Yeah. You really put on quite the act, Dreamboat."

"You weren't there to watch it, were you? Because as I remember, Ed slammed all three of your heads together in the measuring cup so that he and Eddy could escape."

Lee got in on it. "Once we got ourselves out, we started thinking about what had happened."

May nodded. "I remember hearing Eddy telling Big Ed to write another note, and that's what led us to realize that you'd tricked Double D into coming to our trailer."

"We found the sticky note that brought Oven Mitt to our trailer, and we went to his house to look for any other forged notes." Marie ran her nails through her hair. "After we returned the measuring cup, we tried to figure out where you guys were."

Lee nodded. "We knew where you were when we heard you shouting at the top of your lungs."

Marie mimicked her boyfriend's actions. "IT'S THE STICKY NOTES OF THE APOCALYPSE!" She broke down laughing at that.

Edd remembered that. "Yes, yes. I'd pretended to think my parents had gone insane so that I could get back at Eddy for tricking me."

Eddy folded his arms. "That acting really could've come in handy with a lot of our scams, Sockhead."

"Yes, well, I'm at my best acting when I'm in control of the dialogue and/or have the liberty to ad-lib, hence my conspicuous script reading during our thingamajig scam sales pitch."

May nodded. "Well, you're not scamming anymore, now are ya?"

Ed shook his head. "Nope. We're friends with everybody now."

"Except Jonny," Eddy pointed out.

"Right. We do need to explain to him what happened at Mondo a-Go Go and why all the kids have befriended us."

"Yeah." May brushed something from her eye. "Though I guess we're getting in the way of you guys being with the kids."

"I don't know if I'd call it that," Edd pondered, "but we do need to devote at least some of our time to being with the kids."

Lee nodded. "Yeah, if you're not with the kids for long enough, they're gonna think we got some dirty secrets between us."

"I don't believe they're aware of your former servitude to Eddy's brother, but we should break that news to them at some point." That's when something occurred to Edd. "Erm, Lee?"

"Yeah?"

"I was just thinking about your insistence on wearing your hair down in front of your eyes."

Lee seemed to tense up. "What's it to you?"

"You seem to be hiding something in a similar vein to me wearing a hat all the time, seeing that you'd fought off Eddy when he tried to hypnotise the three of you. But when I dropped that book on your foot, I could see your whole face, and I saw nothing anomalous that would justify hiding behind your hair."

"You probably weren't looking for anything strange under there when that happened." Lee reached under her hair and pushed it out of her eyes.

Her eyes were a bright shade of green and surrounded by eyeshadow like Marie's. But it was what was between her eyes that made the boys reel; Ed from amazement, Eddy from shock, and Edd from disgust.

There was a large mole on her forehead the size of her eye socket vaguely shaped like an inflated starfish.

"Geez Louise!"

"Cool!"

Lee let her hair fall back down. "Yeah. It's like a third eye."

Edd nodded. "Have you had that all your life, or was this a recent acquisition?"

"I've had it my whole life." Lee popped a stick of gum in her mouth. "I started hiding it because Mom asked me to, and she'd throw a fit whenever she saw it."

Ed was intrigued. "Do tell."

"I didn't think much about it, and I let it go uncovered in private until May and Marie started making fun of it, after which I started wearing my hair over my face."

"Could you see with your hair in your eyes?" Ed asked.

"Yeah, I can see just fine; it's like looking through a lace doily."

Eddy grumbled. "I hate doilies."

"Yes, you made that quite clear after your Bobby Blabby business." Edd's attention was drawn to the bell. "Well, I do believe we should be getting to class now. We'll meet at lunch."

With that, they dispersed for their morning lessons.

* * *

Jonny slid his camera into his pocket. "Three down, three to go."

He snuck out of the hallway into the boiler room. "Let's see... what kind of dirt can we find for Ed?"

His thought process was interrupted by his friend. "Yeah, I know he loves dirt. I'm talking about blackmail material."

He laid out his writing materials on a makeshift desk, but didn't have the chance to start before Plank asked a question.

"Yeah, I remember when you had the Eds build you an amusement park." That's when he made the connection. "We could set them up for a wild roller coaster ride, but they'd know we were up to something." But then he suddenly realized... "No, that'll take too long."

As he struggled to think, he had another idea. "I know what we can do to Ed." He started giggling madly as he scribbled on his scroll.

* * *

Lunchtime came soon enough, and the kids were busy talking. By talking, they meant listening to Rolf telling a long story.

"The Hairy Chest of Resilience Badge was conceived from the highest level of discipline in the Old Country. The first three tests were how inmates were broken down in preparation for their sentence, and the fourth test was administration of their sentence. The fifth test was how the Grand Poobah of the International Urban Rangerhood escaped the prison after surviving the Pendulum of Protest. After reaching sanctuary in another land, he founded an organization aiming to change the government of the Old Country, thus giving rise to the Urban Rangers. The Hairy Chest of Resilience Badge is the only way that one could forcefully assume leadership of the Urban Rangers. But as far as Rolf is aware, Rolf was the only one to succeed in the acquisition of the badge."

"Great." Kevin looked to the rest of the kids. "So, anybody know where Jonny could be?"

Nazz shrugged. "Well, the school does have a lot of places where people can hide, and the Kankers were known to hide in the school during the day."

Sarah looked to Nazz. "Are you saying we should ask the Kankers to help us look for Jonny?"

"They could at least tell us where all the school's ideal hiding spots are."

Kevin shrugged. "I want to know what's going on between the Eds and the Kankers before we ask for their help."

* * *

"Is that why you had a suitcase of wishbones buried under the trailer?" Edd set about on his sandwich.

"Yeah. They were from the chickens Matthew sent me as payment, and Mom wouldn't let me keep the wishbones, so I buried them under the trailer."

"Did you ever know that my brother had a treasure chest buried under the trailer?"

Marie shrugged. "We were confused when you guys started digging up the underside of the trailer, and we found one of the messages from Matthew mention a treasure map leading here."

May nodded. "The dirt was pretty easy to dig under the trailer, so I was able to hide my wishbones there pretty easily."

Lee got on at that point. "After we had our fun with Eddy, we looked at the map that got left behind. We could see that Matthew had encrypted it so that you wouldn't find the treasure until we'd already moved in."

Ed stood up and waved behind the Kankers. "Hello!"

The girls looked over their shoulders to see the kids gathered at a table behind them.

"What brings you fellows here?" Edd asked.

Kevin looked to Edd. "Huh?"

"What's everyone doing sitting at a table adjacent to ours?"

Nazz decided to start. "We just thought we'd ask about what we were going to do about Jonny."

Eddy was confused. "What about Jonny?"

Jimmy explained. "He might be hiding somewhere in the school."

Edd understood. "You do realise that we can't exactly search for him during school hours."

"We know." Kevin stood between Lee and Marie. "We're just trying to figure out where all the school's best hiding spots are."

Marie put her headphones around her neck. "I'm guessing you're asking us where some of those spots are?"

Lee folded her arms. "We do know a few of them, but I don't know if any of you are looking to get detentions any time soon."

Edd nodded. "Yes, it would be ill-advised to go wandering about the school premises when we have classes to attend."

Eddy remembered the talk outside the lockers with the Kankers. "Maybe when we get our homework done today, we can get together and try to find Jonny."

Sarah was confused. "Are you talking about all eleven of us?"

Ed answered his sister. "All eleven of us doing our homework together or looking for Jonny?"

"While I would encourage homework to be done in groups," Edd opened his milk carton, "I don't believe every one of us combining into one study group would be necessary or helpful."

Eddy gave a wanted answer. "As in the eight of us go looking for Jonny after we get our homework done."

"Rolf has some questions for you, Loudmouthed Ed-boy."

"Ask away, Rolfy-boy."

"Rolf first is curious as to your sudden change toward your willingness to commit to after-school studies."

"I gotta stay outta detention in order to keep tabs on what's happening here."

"Such as your companionship with the Weird Sisters?"

"And figuring out what Jonny's doing."

Edd took a guess at Rolf's next question. "You're probably going to ask how much time we plan to spend with the Kanker sisters, right?"

"Rolf suspects that there are as of yet unrevealed reasons for your being with the Weird Sisters."

"We're not dating, if that's what you're thinking," Eddy told him.

Ed shook his head. "Girl germs bad for Ed."

"Rolf does not believe that level has been attained as of now; Rolf wishes to know about what the Weird Sisters did at the old house when you disappeared."

Edd shrugged. "The girls baited us into going there, and we found them waiting in the basement where you dropped in on us."

"Especially me," Eddy muttered.

Jimmy stepped in. "I think Rolf is asking about why you're not scared of the Kankers after going into that house a second time."

Edd thought about this. "Perhaps the information would be best disclosed when we have Jonny in a position to receive the information."

"What do you mean?" Kevin asked.

"As in our reasons for us no longer fearing the Kanker sisters would likely aid us in explaining our friendship to Jonny."

Sarah crossed her arms. "Why wait to tell us?"

Eddy answered her. "'Cuz you won't believe us if we told you."

Kevin laughed. "Why wouldn't we believe you? You sold me a badly made bike, you took Fluffy on a tour of some unicorn land, you made Rolf think he was in a village from his old country, Sarah gave Ed money for fudge, and Nazz tried to buy gold pants from you guys."

Ed was confused. "Wouldn't those be reasons for you not to believe us?"

"Look, we just want to know what's causing all these changes, 'cuz I don't know if the run to the amusement park could've cause every change we've seen in the last week. And we don't have any reason not to believe you at this point."

Edd stood up. "I believe we would be better off siphoning our resources toward deducing Jonny's intentions than getting into the intricate details of us being with the Kankers."

Nazz let off a breath of air. "We know that Jonny's after us because he doesn't know about Eddy's brother, and we know that he can do a lot to us. So, I don't know if we can handle him."

Sarah contemplated Nazz's statement. "He'll probably be after you three more than us five, and he already proved himself an easy match for all five of us."

Marie finished the last bit of her lunch. "You should probably get your problem with Jonny out of the way as fast as possible."

Lee nodded. "We'll help you if you need us to."

Ed looked to May. "How would we call for help?"

May gave Ed a green walkie-talkie. "Just use this to call us."

Lee gave Eddy a purple walkie-talkie. "All you have to do is press the talk button, and we'll be there."

Marie gave Edd an orange walkie-talkie. "We'll be there when you need us, and out of the way when you don't."

The Eds pocketed their walkie-talkies in time for the bell to ring, bringing lunch time to a close.

* * *

While this was happening, Jenny Kanker had received a pair of visitors at her trailer.

"Can I help you two?"

" _Oui._ We're Edward Daubeldi's mozer and fazer."

"We're here to talk to you about your daughters."

"Alright, come inside."

The two pilots entered the trailer, taking the seats offered to them on the couch.

"I had the opportunity to meet your son and his friends last night."

"We figured as much. We also know that your daughters have been having some confrontations with them."

"Yes. They were working for the man who sold me this trailer until last week, and they're trying to get a fresh start with them."

"We want to get to know ze kind of person zat Marie is, and whezer she would be a good fit for our son."

"Uh-huh. I will say this, though: Marie's quite a tenacious girl and will stop at nothing to get the guy she wants."

Cindy nodded. "We're mainly interested in the way you've gone about raising the girls."

"What do you mean?"

Randall explained. "We've 'eard mention of ze man who sold zis trailer to you being involved in some razer shady business."

"You mean like hiring my daughters to cause trouble in this neighborhood?"

"Zere is zat, _oui._ From what our son told us of 'is first encounter wis your daughters, 'e said zat 'e and 'is friends were each given a robe zat belonged to one of sree different men."

"Oh, yeah. Butch, Bubba, and Rod."

"Yes." Cindy tucked her hair behind her ear. "We want to know how your daughters came to have three separate fathers and have birth dates confined to a two-year period. Because I'm pretty sure that those girls were acting out on your interactions with men."

Jenny knew she would have to spill her biggest secret to the married pilots to give them what they wanted. "Promise that you will tell no one what I'm about to tell you?"

Cindy was suspicious of the request to keep a secret, but she had no reason not to brace for something as big as her son's confession. "Promise."

Randall did so as well. "Promise."

Jenny sat down between the pilots. "Alright. It's a long story how this all happened."

Randall checked the time. "It will be a while before ze kids start returning 'ome, so we've got plenty of time."

"Okay." Jenny took a drink of ketchup from a bottle. "I didn't have any friends when I was growing up; all the kids in my school refused to talk to me, and they even went out of the way to bully me. I know your son had Ed Winters and Eddy McGee, but I had nobody. It got to the point that when I was 19, I changed the phone number for my house to a number that was in a popular song."

Cindy let off a small hum. "Well, I can guess what song that was."

"Yeah, so, it all started as an attempt at suicide, which changed to a quest for children when I got pregnant with Lee. Then after Lee was born and I got pregnant with Marie, I started looking for someone who could be a good father to them. I found Rod, who got me pregnant with May, but he abandoned me after my father disowned me after he discovered what I'd been doing."

"Hmm..." Randall adjusted his glasses. "I sink we 'ave a lot more to talk about."


	21. Part 4, Chapter 3

**Part IV: Where There's a Will, There's an Ed**  
Chapter Three

* * *

The rest of the school day went without incident, and the kids were all on the bus back home. Including Jonny, who was seated all alone at the back of the bus.

Everyone else was sitting at the front talking amongst each other.

"So, I reckon that we each go to the playground once our homework is finished, and once we're all there, we set off to find out what we can about Jonny."

"Wouldn't that make an easy target for Jonny out of whoever finishes first, Double D?"

"That can be addressed with study groups. Kevin and Rolf can study together, as can you, Jimmy, and Sarah."

Ed nodded. "And us Eds can study together with the Kankers."

May gave Ed a back pat. "Do good, Big Ed. Call us if Jonny gives you too much trouble for you guys."

Edd got out a notepad. "So, we know that Jonny appears to have made himself a dark alter-ego. And he appears to have been driven to this turn by our run to Mondo a-Go Go."

"Yes. But Rolf wishes to know what we are dealing with about Jonny the Wood Boy."

Sarah looked to Edd. "We do know that he doesn't know the truth about Eddy's brother, and that he won't let us tell him that."

Kevin nodded. "All we need to do is figure out a way to do that."

Eddy shrugged. "We could just go to where he is now and tell him."

Lee disagreed. "He's not going to believe you if you just tell him."

Marie nodded. "We knew you wouldn't believe us if we didn't have your brother's journal."

Jimmy looked to Marie. "They wouldn't believe what?"

"The reason for our sudden changes after the amusement park."

Eddy quickly changed the subject. "So, whoever finishes their homework first can start the brainstorming on what to do about Jonny."

Kevin decided not to hound the Eds or the Kankers for answers. "Alright."

The rest of the bus ride went without incident, and the kids split up into their study groups. The Eds and the Kankers went to the old abandoned house, Jonny went to the Gourd Pit, Kevin and Rolf went to the junkyard, and Nazz, Jimmy, and Sarah gathered at the playground.

* * *

Edd's parents were still in the trailer park talking with Jenny, unaware of the activities of any of the kids.

"So, let me get zis straight..." Randall adjusted his glasses. "You changed ze number for your 'ouse to a number zat is notorious for being prank-called so zat you could sleep wis dozens of men in ze 'opes zat you would get sick from zem?"

Jenny dropped the empty ketchup bottle in the trash. "That was the plan from when I started until I met Butch."

"Right." Cindy pushed herself up in her seat. "William Butcher, the motorcycle salesman from Lemon Brook who crashed a Mooney M20 off the coast of Sunset Beach after your session with him set off a scandal that caused his business to go bankrupt."

Jenny wiped a tear from her eye. "I was going to keep our session a secret until I discovered that I was pregnant. I had no idea what would happen when I told him. News got out of our time together, his business fell apart, and he thought I would ask him for child support, so he went to a liquor store, bought a bottle of whiskey, drove to the airport, got into his plane, chugged the entire bottle down, and flew out over the beach where he lost control of the plane and crashed."

Cindy nodded. "I heard about that from a pilot based at the airport after we moved here."

"When Lee was born, she had a mole on her forehead right here." She pointed at the center of her forehead. "Every time I looked at it, I could hear it laughing at me as if to say 'You're the reason Butch is dead.'. I did everything I could to ensure that the mark remained hidden from view."

Randall thought about this. "Did you see it as ze mark of Cain, or...?"

"Yeah, that's what it was. I drove a man to suicide, and my oldest daughter sports a constant reminder of it." Jenny opened another bottle of ketchup.

Cindy noticed this action. "Do you always drink this much ketchup?"

Jenny nodded. "It's a way to suppress my long-standing addiction to coitus from all the guys I've been through."

Randall was confused and disturbed. " _Je ne veux pas savoir._ So, what 'appened after Lee was born?"

"Well, I kept getting calls from guys, and one of them was a man named Arnold Bubsey. He was accused of murdering his wife after losing his job at a tattoo parlor. I didn't know any of that when I first met him. But when we went into the woods, he held me facedown on the creek bed and did his game on me. It was through Bubba that I found out about Butch's death."

Cindy was surprised. "Wait, as in he knew there was another man you slept with?"

Jenny shook her head. "He said things that indicated that a plane had crashed at Sunset Beach, and I found out later that Butch was the pilot."

"So, 'ow did you find out about what 'e 'ad done to 'is wife, zen?" Randall asked.

"After Bubba had left, I called the police and had him arrested for rape. When I was called to identify him, I heard some of the cops mention that he was the prime suspect in his wife's murder. I was able to identify him in a lineup, and he confessed to raping me when I found out that I was pregnant, this time with Marie. He was jailed for raping me and was later found guilty of his wife's murder."

Cindy couldn't believe what the brunette was telling her. "I can't understand why you didn't stop sleeping around after the first time you got pregnant."

"I wanted to stop, but I'd long become addicted to sleeping with men by the time I met Butch. It was when I got pregnant the first time that I started sleeping around to get children into my life."

"Even one child would be a huge burden to look after; what could've led you to have three?"

Jenny swallowed. "I felt awkward not being pregnant after Lee was born."

Randall straightened his tie. "Did you ever sink to look for someone who could be a fazer to your daughters?"

"After Marie was born, I did. I kept looking for men, but this time, I made sure they knew that I had two daughters. Only one man was willing to be a father to them: Rodney Michelson. We talked about what we had on our plates over coitus, and he got me pregnant with May. He found out that I'd been a prostitute after my dad found out about what I'd been doing the last two years."

There was a pause as Jenny took a drink from the ketchup bottle.

"And my dad... threw me out of the house, put it up for sale, and put the family fortune toward the construction of a new cul-de-sac. That was the last I saw of him for 15 years." Jenny was sitting on the floor at this point with her back to the TV, fighting to hold back tears. "Rod left me after that, saying that I would be too much of a burden for him."

Cindy's only response was to shrug. "Can't say I blame him; I think he made a sensible decision there."

"But now he's trying to get back in my life."

Randall was confused. "Whatever for?"

"He's gotten a job as a cruise ship captain, and now he says that he has the money he needs for supporting a family."

Cindy was skeptical. "Mm-hm. I don't understand why anyone would want someone like you for a wife. Or even a girlfriend."

Jenny laid her chin on her hands. "I've been trying to tell him that I don't want him in my life, but he won't listen. He's been at it for 5 years now, and I can't get him to stay away from me."

Randall slicked back his hair. "Well, 'e must 'ave a good reason for zat if 'e's zis persistent in being wis you."

Cindy rolled her eyes. "I don't understand why he would want someone like you, especially with your daughters treating our son and his friend as play toys."

Jenny stood up. "I know you spoke to my daughters last night, and they told me everything they told you, including why they'd been doing what they did since they met Ed, Edd n Eddy."

"We know that. We're just not ready to trust those girls as to whether the behaviour they exhibited over the last two years will persist even after breaking their agreement with Eddy's brother."

Jenny was confused. "Why would they?"

"Just that the girls seemed to have gotten ideas about interacting with boys from the way you interacted with men."

Jenny leaned on the bookshelf. "I will admit that the girls had difficulties in school before Matthew sold us this trailer, but most of those troubles were about the fact that I'd started the girls in the same year as opposed to starting them one at a time when they'd reached a certain age."

" _Je vois._ So, might I ask when zeir be'aviour started toward zat which was ex'ibited toward our son and 'is friends?"

"I don't know when it all started, but they were bullying students by the time they reached sixth grade. From what I heard from the faculty of the old school, they would ambush students in the hall, tie them up with duct tape, leave some sort of witness mark, and let them loose."

Cindy's eyes grew tense. "Did you ever figure out what was causing this behaviour?"

"I went over to the school to see what they were doing. I figured that I wouldn't be able to put a stop to their actions until I could figure out what they were trying to accomplish. So, I got the reports of each incident from the administrator and got together with each victim to see what they were doing. I managed to gather that the girls would go after boys; boys who shared traits with at least one of the girls."

Randall nodded. " _Oui,_ I noticed zat Marie seemed to be ze most rational of ze sree sisters; not impulsive like Lee, nor meek like May."

"Yeah. Anyway, from the victims' accounts, I could see that each incident happened the same way. As soon as the victim was alone in an open space, the girls would dogpile on them and duct tape their wrists together. Whichever one of the girls was after them would put on lipstick while the other two held them down. Once the fun was had, they'd put their backpack on top of them and leave. By the time the victim got to their feet, the girls were long gone."

"Did you ever try to talk to your daughters about this?"

"By the time I was aware of what they were doing, I thought they were too far gone to be reformed. I found out too late that they had found out about my life as a prostitute and a nymphomaniac through Rod and my refusal to let him back in my life." Jenny took a drink of ketchup to stifle her tears. "I didn't think I'd be able to change them, except by telling them that men were not to be trusted, (I only said that to scare them, not because I think that, because I don't) and when Matthew offered me his old trailer, I saw it as a chance to start over."

Randall polished his glasses. "Did you ever stop to sink about why 'e was offering ze trailer to you specifically?"

Jenny shook her head. "I wasn't going to stick around in a city where my daughters wouldn't be able to go to school."

Cindy put a hand to her temple. "I'm pretty sure you'd be bouncing from town to town if you didn't do something about your daughters' behaviour."

Jenny shrugged. "My girls seemed content with Ed, Edd n Eddy, so I thought I was in a good spot. I took care to make sure that they didn't cause them too much trouble like the kids in Lemon Brook, and the boys' family lifestyles made it easy for me not to have to answer to them too often."

The pilots looked at each other before Randall spoke. "What do you mean 'ze boys' family lifestyles'?"

"Well, Ed Winters has a sister who is constantly favored by their mother, and their father doesn't care about what happens in his house, so Ed doesn't have a way of his tales of May being heard by his parents. Eddy McGee has lived under the shadow of his brother's influence, so his parents don't hold him in enough regard to take him seriously if he tried to tell them about Lee. And with you two constantly out flying, the only way you ever get to communicate with your son is through sticky notes, most of them about chores that he has to do around the house, so that doesn't grant him opportunity to tell you about Marie."

Cindy wasn't convinced. "What I'd like to know is why none of the other kids tried to tell their parents about your daughters."

Jenny folded her arms. "What I'd like to know is why you two treat your son like a maid or a butler."

Randall was surprised. "What do you mean?"

"You leave sticky notes around your house because you're constantly out flying for Delta Airlines. But all of your sticky notes have been about chores. Have you ever had the chance to see what goes on in your son's life?"

"Not all of our notes have pertained to chores." Cindy checked her watch. "We provide our son with food, clothes, and shelter. I even packed him his favourite lunch after he lost a spelling bee to Ed."

"Really?" Jenny went upstairs and reappeared with a notebook. "So, why did you renovate your house's bathroom without his knowledge?" She opened the notebook, revealing pages of photographs taped inside and notes written by the girls. "The poor child went wandering the neighborhood asking people to use their showers, and my girls saw him wallowing in garbage laughing like a hyena."

The pilots looked through the pictures and their captions. The girls had traced Edd's whereabouts from that day from the trail he'd left leading up to where he was spotted rolling in sludge like a pig.

" _Mon dieu!_ " Randall gasped.

Cindy recognized the writing on the fences. "What in Sam Hill?"

"Indeed." Jenny watched the pilots flip through the pages. "I'm sure any other child would've called out their parents for a decision to renovate the house's only bathroom when their child is as much a neat freak as your son. But he's been too much of a coward to assert himself, even when doing so would grant him a better way of living."

Randall could think of nothing to say.

"In fact," Jenny continued, "he was offered a shower by the head cheerleader, but he didn't step in there because the bathroom was littered with women's undergarments."

Cindy shrugged. "Why would that be unusual?"

"Because," Jenny explained, "my girls told me about your son's hatred of being a boy, and he was most likely unwilling to shower there out of fear of being seen as a pervert as opposed to a girl made into a boy." She took another drink of ketchup. "I don't believe I ever got a full explanation behind your decision to make a son out of your daughter."

Cindy grabbed her cheeks with one hand. "Well, the thing is that I wasn't too keen on too many children; I was only willing to have an only son. When I gave birth to a daughter, I was at a quandary as to whether or not to keep her or send her to an orphanage and try again. I wasn't too keen on getting pregnant again, but I wanted a son."

"Did you ever consider adopting a son?" Jenny asked.

Cindy shook her head. "I wanted a biological son so that Randall or I could be identified if something happened. I resolved to have my daughter put through gender-swap surgery and change her name from Marion to Don."

Randall nodded. "It didn't work ze way we'd 'oped it would, because 'e would dye 'is 'air pink every day. We would do everysing to keep 'is 'air black, but 'e would find ways around zat. Not even 'is lack of friends in Stokenchurch would persuade 'im not to dye 'is 'air pink; 'e found enough 'appiness in 'is studies and looking at insects zat it was never a problem for 'im."

"So, we moved overseas to help our son make some friends." Cindy let off a small cough. "When we arrived in Seattle, we had breakfast at a diner with our son. The waiter who served us there had a lengthy chat with us, during which we told him about our plans for moving here. After Randall told him that Don's pink hair was getting in the way of him making friends, the waiter told us that he had an old toboggan hat that he could give to our son, so that he could wear his hair as he wished but still keep it hidden. His only request was that we change our son's name to Edward. Our son liked that name, and we felt obligated to ensure that our son made friends in Peach Creek, so we agreed."

"I see. So, from what your son told me, he said he wears his hair pink because he wants to be a girl. From everything I've gathered about you and your son, it seems to me that you two are trying to bend the world around you to suit your own needs." Jenny set the ketchup bottle down on the floor. "I'm starting to understand why your son became friends with a horror movie and comic book addict and a scam artist prodigy."

Randall folded his arms. "And 'ow's zat?"

"Edward is used to spending a lot of time alone, and your absolute control over his life had made him scared to speak up and challenge his surroundings. It would only seem natural that the friends he made would provide what he thought would be minimal disruption to the interests he'd developed before you moved here, as well as a role where he could have at least some control of his life. Eddy was able to take advantage of his lack of self-confidence, and Ed gave him the confidence he lacked in someone he thought he could school to full potential."

Cindy rolled her eyes. "Who do you think you are, Sigmund Freud?"

"Trust me; when you as much of a nymphomaniac as I used to be, and you go through as many guys as I have, you really get an idea of why people think the way they do." Jenny picked up her ketchup bottle. "But seriously, do you really want your son to be the kind of person he is? An introvert whose lifelong friends made him unpopular with all the other kids? He's only made friends with the rest of the kids because of a chase to an amusement park downtown."

"Well, 'e 'as managed to keep 'imself to ze standards we expect from 'im," Randall rebutted. "'E is a straight-A student, 'is morality and integrity are _magnifique_ , 'e 'as 'igh standards of upkeep wis cleanliness, organization, and task performance. We sink zat zose are ze best attributes we could've asked for."

"And you don't think you're taking advantage of those traits by letting him live on his own and be left to keep the house clean while you're away? You didn't think that he would become friends with a scam artist's kid brother and help him swindle the kids out of their allowances for jawbreakers? You didn't think he wouldn't have the courage to leave it all behind when he thought that the routine was teetering on the brink of disaster?" Jenny wasn't used to being as worked up as she was at that moment.

The pilots were stunned to silence at Jenny's outburst.

"You know, if I wasn't so bent on keeping my daughters off the path that I'd taken, your son would've had it much worse with Marie than he did."

Randall looked at his watch. "Well, we do 'ave someone else 'ere to talk to, so I believe we should be on our way."

"And who might that be?"

"We were going to have a talk with Jonny's parents."

"Oh?" Jenny walked over to the trailer door. "What about?"

"We've been told zat Jonny was up to somesing, and we want to know what it is before we start our next flight."

Jenny opened the trailer door for them. "I probably shouldn't keep you waiting, then." As they left, Jenny made sure to tell them one other thing. "Word of advice: you'll be great parents if you let your son make his own decisions for his future, including who he wants for the rest of his life."

The pilots left without saying a word, and the trailer door closed behind them.

But not before Jenny asked them "Out of curiosity, did Edward ever say what he liked about having the name that the diner waiter suggested?"

Cindy shrugged. "He did insist on spelling his name E-D-D-W-A-R-D after we gave it to him, but beyond that, we really don't know."

"Hm. I guess that's a question for the ages."

"Probably."

And with that, the pilots were gone.

* * *

Jonny and Plank were in the Gourd Pit doing their homework for the day.

"I know, Plank. But we have to stay out of detention if we're going to be able to carry out our plans."

He propped Plank against the lamp on his desk.

"We don't have anyone who can help us escape from detention if we get one. And the kids are bound to take advantage of me being stuck in school without them."

He paused with a pencil over his notebook as Plank continued speaking.

"A plan to get this done faster would be helpful."

He started sifting through his backpack for his first assignment.

"Because if we don't do our homework, we'll start getting detentions. And if we're in detention, we won't be able to do anything to forward our goals."

He found what he was looking for and set to work.

"All the other kids are doing their homework. If we finish before they do, we can carry out a plan against them before they can do anything."

His friend decided to strike a deal with the bald kid.

"If it can get this done quicker, I'd really like the help. ... Alright. Let's do it."

He was silenced by the sound of his house's doorbell ringing.

The footsteps leading to the front door prompted Jonny to stay in his lair doing his homework.


	22. Part 4, Chapter 4

**Part IV: Where There's a Will, There's an Ed**  
Chapter Four

* * *

The Eds and the Kankers were seated in a ring in the basement of the old abandoned house under the hole in the foyer. Notebooks were open, pencils were in use, and talking was going around and around.

"I'm amazed that you were able to design boots that went all the way to space."

"Yes, well, I hadn't anticipated that the controls would be handled in the manner that you girls had."

Eddy looked up at the hole in the ceiling. "I just don't get why I'm so short."

Lee shrugged. "You'll get taller soon enough. You can't be short forever with a brother like yours."

"I don't want to wait to be taller!"

"Hey, you know what they say: a little childhood trauma builds character."

"My brother used to tell me that before he went away."

Edd flipped over the page he was working on. "I presume he also told you that the only way to get it right is to get it wrong?"

Eddy nodded. "Yeah, he did."

Ed laughed. "Ah, the good ol' days."

Marie got out her next assignment. "Hey, Double D?"

"Yes?"

"Didn't you say something about Ed during that time when Eddy trained..." she looked at the list of names she had put together, "...Jimmy on being a scam artist?"

"Oh, yes. When Ed stuck Eddy to the garage door using static electricity."

"Yeah, you said that you had brought him to your house to give him a little lesson on the subject?"

"Yes, I did." Edd typed some stuff into his calculator. "I was trying to help Ed understand the intricate workings of the principles of static electricity..."

* * *

 _Edd shuffled along the carpet in his living room with bunny slippers on his feet. Ed was standing nearby playing with his lip, not paying attention to Edd.  
_

 _Until a snap at his nose lured from him an exclamation of "Zappity zap zap!"_

 _Edd retracted his finger. "That's static electricity, Ed. Did you know that the treasure trove of accessible energy lies right beneath our feet?"_

 _"No," Ed gasped in awe as he looked down at his socked feet. "Like between my toes, Double D?"_

 _"Not quite, Ed." Edd removed the bunny slippers. "Here. You try."_

 _Ed slid on the slippers and started shuffling around the carpet while Edd continued talking._

 _"You see, by shuffling along the carpet, you absorb eager electrons, rapidly looking for a direct escape."_

 _Ed completed three laps around the carpet, and his unibrow started to glow._

 _Concern loomed over Edd as the situation slowly escalated. "Now, Ed, there's no need to overdo it."_

 _Ed was having too much fun. His shuffling took him around the walls, up the chimney, down the stairs, and along the ceiling, causing the lights to go out._

 _"Ed, that's quite enough."_

 _Loose items started blowing in the wind, and furniture began to shift, drawn toward the supercharged Ed._

 _Edd grabbed a chair as Ed orbited around the carpet. "Ed! Please stop!"_

 _Ed held up a finger. "Like this, Double D?"_

 _Edd was unable to resist the magnetic forces bearing down upon him._

 _"Zappity zap zap!"_

 _His finger made contact with Edd's nose, and the house was blasted apart by the discharge, which promptly send a power surge through the neighborhood._

 _"Tag! You're it!"_

 _A completely battered Edd collapsed to reveal Eddy standing unharmed in the fresh hole in the wall._

 _"Check it out, boys!" He held out a jawbreaker in his hand. "Ta-da!"_

 _Ed tapped his index fingers. "Oh! Oh! It's a... a..."_

 _Edd sat up from the wrecked floor. "Jawbreaker?" His euphoria started to die down. "Where on Earth did you get that from?"_

 _"I scammed it off Jonny. What a pigeon!" He noticed Ed's mouth watering and promptly shoved a skunk in his mouth._

 _"Spicy!" Ed spit the skunk out. "Do tell, Eddy. How did you do it?"_

 _"Easy." Eddy sat down in the hole in the wall. "I was walking home from school (after my detention, of course) when I spot Baldy coming out of the candy store..."_

* * *

 _"Teachers!" Eddy ripped his dunce cap open on his head and threw it to the street. "For crying out loud!"  
_

 _Eddy was so busy thinking of things to say to his teacher the following day that he didn't notice at first that Jonny was leaving the candy store with a jawbreaker. Once his foot snagged a crack in the pavement, though, he couldn't help but notice._

 _Still sour about his detention, he decided a jawbreaker could take his mind off of his worries for a bit._

 _Creeping up behind Jonny, he unhinged his jaw around Jonny's jawbreaker until Jonny turned around._

 _"Hey, Eddy!" Jonny greeted cheerily._

 _Eddy was quick to recoil and fake a yawn. "Hey, Jonny."_

 _"Whatcha doin'?"_

 _"Just walking home from detention."_

 _"Alright. See ya around, Eddy."_

 _As Jonny disappeared, Eddy stepped in a bucket of paint at the foot of a wet fence._

 _Struck with an idea, he grabbed a paintbrush laying nearby._

 _At the same time, Jonny continued down the sidewalk. "Did you get a load of that guy, buddy? Eddy tried to beat it with our jawbreaker!" Jonny laughed and turned to face his strangely larger and heavier friend. "What a weasel face!"_

 _Eddy struggled to hold his face and body firm as he spoke. "You said it, pal!"_

 _"Better keep a sharp eye out."_

 _Eddy looked past the back of Jonny's head at the jawbreaker in the other hand. Stretching his tongue toward the candied sphere, he unwittingly latched onto Jonny's head and sucked it into his mouth._

 _"Boy, you sure are acting weird, Plank."_

 _Realizing his mistake, Eddy spit Jonny's head back out. "Who, me? Nope."_

 _Jonny scoffed. "It's that chip again, isn't it?" He moved Eddy to his other arm to examine him. "You just haven't been the same since Rolf's place. Remember?"_

 _Sensing a long story, Eddy took it as an opportunity for Jonny to distract himself from his jawbreaker._

 _"We were looking for kicks, and you wanted to be an engine piston..."_

* * *

 _Jonny clambered along the side of the tractor, having installed Plank into the engine, and hopped into the driver's seat.  
_

 _"Are you sure you want to do this, Plank?"_

 _Jonny paused to hear his friend "speak" from the engine compartment._

 _"What's that?"_

 _Plank repeated his statement._

 _"Okay!" Jonny started the tractor running, setting the engine in motion._

 _He crawled toward the open engine panel. "What's that?"_

 _He strained to listen over the sound of the engine._

 _"Holy cow! More gas?" He returned to the driver's seat. "You sure got guts, buddy!"_

 _The tractor shuddered as Jonny stepped on the accelerator and took off down the lawn, a now panicked Jonny struggling to control the tractor._

 _Meanwhile, Rolf was in his house presenting a giant squash to Kevin and Nazz. "_ _Behold the toil of forty days and forty nights! Rolf can sense your jealousy of Rolf's giant squash!" He set down the handcloth he was using to polish the squash. "Cry, cry if you must, for Rolf would cry, too, at the sight of this Venus of the Gourd family."_

 _Kevin and Nazz were lost for words, too busy trying to process the display to notice the carnage going on outside._

 _"Hang on, buddy!" Jonny continued wrestling with the controls._

 _Rolf had hands on Nazz and Kevin's shoulders. "You may kiss it if you like."_

 _"I'll save you!" Jonny barely dodged Rolf's house, and the sounds finally reached Rolf's ears._

 _Jonny grabbed a hose, prompting Rolf to storm outside. "Jonny the Wood Boy! Unhand Rolf's tractor!"_

 _Jonny lassoed the tractor's exhaust pipes together and jumped off the back end, rearing the tractor on its back wheels and embedding it in the dirt. The sudden stop jarred Plank loose, who flew around the confines of the engine compartment before ejecting out the exhaust pipe into a surprised Rolf's face._

 _The two-by-four piece of lumber catapulted Rolf into his giant squash, squashing the squash and squashing Rolf into the squash. Rolf pulled his head loose, revealing Plank to be stuck in his emerald green teeth._

 _"Buddy!" Jonny burst through the door toward Rolf. "Give him back, you bully!"_

 _Kevin laughed as Jonny reached into Rolf's mouth and pulled his wooden friend loose from the grape green enamel vice of Rolf's mouth._

 _As Jonny examined Plank, a chip came loose. Jonny could only stare in shock._

 _"Look what you did to Plank! He's got brain damage!"_

 _Rolf struggled to sit up. "The Wood has a brain?"_

 _Nazz tried to change the subject to a lighter toned one. "Boy, Rolf, you remind me of me when I was chubby."_

 _"Say what? When were you - " Kevin scratched his head until - "Oh yeah, I remember..."_

* * *

 _Kevin tossed his hair back and charged toward the swimming hole, a swinging rope in his hands._

 _"This one's called the guitar solo!" He swung through open air and released the rope to perform a backflip. "Ding-a-ling-ding, my ding-a-long ding-dongs!"  
_

 _The kids dispersed to make room for Kevin's landing. The splash soaked all of the attendees, and they applauded as Kevin surfaced and tossed his hair from his face. "Sha!"_

 _"My turn!" Nazz waded past the other kids to the coast._

 _"You go, girl!" Jimmy cheered._

 _The water receded as a 200-pound Nazz emerged from the swimming hole, luring a "W-hoo!" from a crew cut sporting Jonny._

 _Everyone else was hypnotized by the suddenly lower water level until Nazz's voice pierced the air._

 _"This one's called Chimmy-Chang Chimmy-Changa Dip!" The tree holding the rope creaked under Nazz's great weight as she swung toward the swimming hole._

 _The kids ran for cover except Kevin, who was paralyzed with indecision not that dissimilar to dropping something and failing to go for it before it hits the floor._

 _The splash sent every last drop of water out of the swimming hole and all the kids with it, except Kevin who was crushed under Nazz._

 _"Dude, like, that was so much fun!" Nazz waved her arms over her head._

 _"Righteous!" Kevin wheezed as his hair pulled his head back enough to break his neck._

 _The rest of the kids laughed, unaware of the severity of Kevin's injuries._

 _Rolf managed to get a hold of himself. "Let me say, paper-napkin Jimmy; such tomfoolery brings Rolf back to Rolf's lazy, good-for-nothing youth. Rolf remembers, yes?..."_

* * *

 _Rolf was swinging around a large barber pole by his feet outside his family's cabin. Several sheep were wondering the field on the mountainside, idly eating bits of grass as they waited for their master (Rolf's father) to return.  
_

The Eds and the Kankers walked along a cliff's edge and took in the scene around them.

Ed hugged one of the sheep. "Woolly boolly!"

May looked around. "How did we... get here?"

Edd sighed. "And this is why storytelling requires a fair bit of caution."

Eddy nodded. "What I was saying was that I had slipped away with Jonny's jawbreaker while he was busy yakking away his little story."

Lee looked up at Rolf on the barber pole. "But how did we get here?"

Ed shrugged. "We don't know how we got here."

Marie sat down on the cliff edge. "Those kids looked so different in Kevin's flashback than they do now."

Edd nodded. "Yes, well, we did have a hand in Jimmy getting his retainer..."

* * *

 _Ed, Edd, n Eddy were in the lane manning a bakery scam. Their treats constituted bowling balls in cream cups and bowlin_ _g pins in cream horns._

May laughed as she saw just how ridiculous the setup was.

Marie stood across the counter from the Eds. "Who's idea was it to disguise bowling balls and pins as pastries?"

Eddy leaned on the counter. "We needed something that would help the snacks hold their shape."

 _While this was happening, Sarah and Jimmy were talking, unaware of the Eds talking to the Kankers._

 _"Those idiots know nothing about cream horns, Jimmy."_

 _Jimmy licked his lips. "Cream horns are scrumptious, Sarah!" He opened his mouth, a flash of sunlight glistening off his perfect teeth._

Lee looked toward Jimmy. "Oh, this I have to see."

 _Jimmy bit down into the cream horn, his teeth fracturing as the pastry fell away to reveal... "It's a bowling pin, Sarah; they tricked me!"_

 _Sarah lunged toward the stand with rage, jumping across the counter at the Eds, who backed up against the dumpster behind them as Sarah grabbed a bowling ball sundae and threw it at the boys._

 _As the Eds collapsed like bowling pins, Sarah took Jimmy hand and left, shouting rearward toward the pinheads "Wait 'til I tell Mom what you did to Jimmy!"_

Ed sat up once Sarah was gone. "Yeah, so, when Mom found out, I was grounded for a week until Jimmy got his retainer."

May helped him to his feet. "Didn't you get grounded once after we got here?"

"Yeah, I got grounded for ripping open Jimmy's stuffed rabbit."

Eddy nodded. "It was something he got from a new comic book."

Lee helped Eddy up. "Yeah, we watched the whole thing happening. It was so funny."

Marie picked up Edd. "So, why did you become friends with Eddy and help him with his scams?"

"Well, it's a really long story..."

* * *

 _Edd had just turned 10 years old the week before. His parents had given him a book about insects for his birthday, as well as various items for him to collect insects from the nearby woods. He was trekking through the woods behind the cul-de-sac in search of insects.  
_

 _Not being familiar with the neighborhood, he soon found himself in the trailer park._

 _And the trailer park was an especially scary place before the Kankers moved in._

 _A voice sounded from the trailer park._ _"Watch it, Lummox! We don't want anyone to know we're here."_

 _Edd followed the voice to see who was there._

 _"See? Someone's following us now!"_

 _Edd broke through the trees to see Eddy and Ed carrying a paint bucket and a brush._

 _Ed caught sight of Edd. "Hey, Eddy, it's that kid who has the same name as us!"_

 _"I told you to be quiet, Ed!"_

 _Edd approached the duo carrying the ladder. "Might I inquire what you're doing here?"_

 _Ed was quick to answer. "We're going to paint the trailer steps to make everyone slip and fall when they try to go in or out."_

 _"And what exactly are you trying to accomplish with this endeavour?"_

 _"I'm trying to send my brother a good postcard."_

 _"But what's going to happen when these people discover that you slicked their doorsteps? Not even the most dexterous of tongues could talk themselves out of something like this."_

 _"You mean like this?" Eddy pulled his tongue out of his mouth and wrapped it around his head like a turban, a smirk reaching his face as his arms folded over his chest._

 _"Cool trick, Eddy!"_

 _"That's... not quite what I meant."_

 _Eddy slurped his tongue back in his mouth. "Alright, let's get to work."_

 _Edd wanted to turn around and leave, but he couldn't find it in himself to leave the two boys on their own. "I don't think this is going to work, fellows."  
_

 _Eddy continued forward. "Come on, kid. We've done this before."_

 _"My name's Eddward."_

 _"Me too."_

 _"Me three."_

 _"As in E-D-D-W-A-R-D."_

 _"What did he say?" Ed whispered to Eddy.  
_

 _"I heard 'Double D' in there somewhere," Eddy responded.  
_

 _"Do you want to help us, Double D?"_

 _"Is that my name now? Double D?"_

 _Eddy shrugged. "Well, Ed and Eddy are already taken."_

 _That's when Ed pointed in the distance. "Look, guys!"_

 _The other two looked in the distance. They saw two men in jackets escorting a woman out of a car and into a nearby trailer._

 _Eddy scurried for the trailer steps as soon as the door closed. "If we're in and out fast enough, we can get it laid out and no one will know."_

 _Edd trailed behind Ed after Eddy. "Get what laid out?"_

 _Eddy set the paint can at the foot of the stairs and picked up the brush. "Ed?"_

 _Ed punched through the lid of the paint can and plucked it off, revealing a sickly green jelly that looked like year-old tapioca pudding._

 _Edd reeled in disgust. "What is that?!"_

 _"It's a little something my brother showed me how to make." Eddy dipped the brush into the slime and started painting the porch steps with it. "Nobody's ever stepped in my brother's Rain Wrecker Slider Gel and not fallen flat on their back."_

 _By the time Eddy was done talking, he had already painted the steps, at which point, he grabbed the two boys and scurried up to the branch of a tree with them._

 _"Now, we wait. Ed? Camera."_

 _Ed handed Eddy the camera, and he aimed it at the porch steps, ready to snap a picture of whoever walked on the steps._

 _As they waited, Edd looked to Eddy. "Might I ask why you insist on sending your brother a postcard of someone losing their footing on a lubricated stepstool?"_

 _He didn't have time to answer before a sound from within the trailer burst out._

 _Ed peered over Edd's shoulder. "What was that?"_

 _"I'm not sure." Edd swallowed hard. "We should probably leave now."_

 _"No way!" Eddy didn't move the camera. "I still need my picture for my postcard."_

 _That's when the trailer door opened. The two men from before stepped out, carrying a long object wrapped in duct-taped garbage bags. As soon as the first man stepped on the greased steps, his foot slid out from under him, sending him backward into a cinderblock laying in the dirt. His end of the cargo fell to the ground, slipping from the other man's hands._

 _Only aware of the first man slipping, Eddy snapped the picture, the flash blanketing the scene and throwing shocked faces onto the two men._

 _The second man moved to run for the tree, but he too slid on the steps and tumbled over the bagged item, ripping it open at the duct-taped seam, revealing the body of the woman that went in with the two men._

 _Eddy snapped a second picture before shoving the camera into Ed's hands. "Quick! Let's get out of here!" He grabbed the boys by their shirts, and took off for the woods._

 _As the boys ran out of the trailer park, Edd kept his gaze on the path behind them, unsure if either of the men were following them._

 _Eddy made course for Ed's house, and swept through the basement window with Ed and Edd in tow._

 _Coming to a stop inside, Edd landed in a tattered armchair, while Ed hit the wall and landed in his bed._

 _Edd straightened himself in his chair. "Did either of you think twice before doing this?"_

 _Ed gave a straight answer. "Nope."_

 _Eddy sat down on a table with arts and crafts supplies. "Hey, my brother wanted a cool postcard, and I was going to give it to him."_

 _Edd could only throw his head back against the seat back. "You know, considering that neither of those two men followed us here, I'm inclined to believe that they were greatly injured from slipping on those steps."_

 _"Yeah, but at least I got a decent picture for my postcard. Two decent pictures, actually."_

 _Ed showed the pictures in his hand. "Yep. Got them right here."_

 _Edd looked at the pictures. "I'm sure those two men will have plans for you once they find you."  
_

 _Eddy waved his hand in dismissal. "Nah. They'll never find us here."_

 _Ed hopped up onto the couch's armrest. "So, what were you doing in the woods, Double D?"_

 _"I was out searching for insects in the woods. It's something I do every month."_

 _Eddy sat down on the other armrest. "So, you're a bug person? Is that it?"_

 _"Insects are just one of my interests. I've also taken to creating various gadgets and construction projects."_

 _Ed was curious. "Like what?"_

 _"I've crafted drawings of machines that can create a full breakfast in a matter of minutes, get myself dressed without me having to search for clothes, and even an alarm clock that makes sure that I'm awake and ready for the day." Edd tossed the pictures in Eddy's lap. "Of course, the only thing stopping me from making any of those things is the fact that I have nothing I can use to make them."_

 _That's when Eddy got an idea. "So, you want to build stuff, huh, Double D?"_

 _"Er, yes. Why do you ask?"_

 _"Have you told anyone else about your thoughts of building stuff?"_

 _"Er, no. I haven't really talked to anyone since my family moved here, and my parents are always away, so I don't have anyone to talk to."_

 _"I see." Eddy pondered this for a moment. "Well, me and Ed have been looking for a builder for our scams. If you help us, we can share what we make off the scams with you. How's that sound?"_

 _Edd wasn't sure. "Well, considering what just happened in the woods,..."_

 _Ed stepped in. "We do all our stuff at our houses."_

 _Eddy nodded. "Yeah, that prank was just for a postcard I'm making for my brother."_

 _Edd shrugged. "I suppose you two could be my first step toward getting to know everyone here."_

 _"So is that a yes?"_

 _"It would appear so."_

 _Ed started bouncing around the room. "Goody goody! We have three Eds now!"_

 _"Ed, Edd, n Eddy." Edd giggled._

* * *

Marie laughed as her gaze drifted up to the hole in the basement ceiling. "Man, that was quite a story, Double D."

Edd nodded. "Yes. It had nothing to do with the three of us having the same first name."

The group had finished their homework at that point, and May was looking through Eddy's brother's journal.

"Hey, Double D?"

"Yes, May?"

"I was looking over what Matthew said about him meeting your parents."

"Oh, yes, I remember. He must have been the waiter my parents had chatted with extensively after we moved here."

"I just noticed that you'd originally been renamed Don after you were made a boy, but that you didn't like that name."

"Well, what it was was that I wanted to write it out as D-A-W-N, but my parents insisted that I used the masculine spelling. When Eddy's brother suggested changing my name to Edward, I figured I could spell it with a double-D toward the start and call myself Deedee."

Marie saw what Edd meant. "Oh, E-D-D?"

"Correct. Of course, my parents weren't overly keen on spelling my name as such, so they spelled it the traditional way."

Eddy loaded his books into his backpack. "Alright, what's say we get going and head to our meeting spot?"

Edd packed up his belongings. "Sounds like a plan. Were you girls going to join us?"

Marie shook her head. "Nah, we're gonna head home. You still have our walkie-talkies, right?"

The boys displayed them to the sisters.

"Alright. Just give us a call if you need anything."

"Will do."

With that, the group left the old abandoned house and went their separate ways.


	23. Part 4, Chapter 5

**Part IV: Where There's a Will, There's an Ed**  
Chapter Five

* * *

While all this was going on, the pilots were at Jonny's house. His parents weren't at the house when Edd's parents showed up, so Randall and Cindy were busy talking to each other.

"We don't know when they'll be back, and we're due to fly out tomorrow; we have to talk with them tonight."

" _Oui, oui. Soyez patient, mon cher._ If we don' get ze chance to talk to ze parents, we can at least talk to Jonny."

"I suppose that's true. If they don't show up by 7:00, we'll have a chat with Jonny."

Randall started thinking. "Did our son ever tell us what Jonny 'ad done when 'e told us about what 'ad 'appened during 'is last scam wis Ed and Eddy?"

Cindy tried to remember. "I don't believe so. All I remember hearing is that he seems to have vanished after they returned from the amusement park."

"And zat ze boys sink zat 'e's planning somesing. Zough zey didn't say what."

"And that's precisely what we must figure out, be it from his parents or from Jonny."

"At ze very least, we can tell ze parents what we know if zey don' know yet."

"True. So, we've got..." Cindy checked her watch, "...three hours to wait for Mr. and Mrs. Toubai-Fower to return."

"Do you intend to stay 'ere and wait until zey arrive?"

"They have to come home sometime. And we'll be here when they do."

* * *

All the kids were at the playground at around that time. A map of the neighborhood was spread out on the ground with Rolf, Nazz, Sarah, and Jimmy standing on the corners to hold it in place. Ed, Edd, n Eddy stood at the bottom of the map, while Kevin stood at the top.

"Alright." Kevin looked to the Eds. "So, you three have the Kankers on standby in case we need backup."

Edd nodded. "Correct."

Kevin pointed a baseball bat to the map. "So, here's the playground. We need to find a way to figure out Jonny's next move."

Jimmy spoke up. "I think Jonny's going to follow us and try to spy on us."

"Yeah, probably." Kevin pointed the bat to the map. "We could set up an ambush for him in the junkyard."

Nazz didn't like the idea. "We don't know our way around that place the way the Eds do."

Eddy nodded. "And for all we know, he could have started setting traps for us there."

Kevin scanned the map. "The old abandoned house would probably be safe from traps from Jonny."

"But we've only been inside it once while we were looking for the Eds."

Rolf nodded at Sarah's statement. "And it was there that we were mortared together with molten sweetness."

Edd drummed his fingers against his bicep. "We'd searched Jonny's house already, and all we found was evidence of slipping sanity."

Kevin nodded. "Right. So, what we need is a plan to get him into a state of mind where he'll be willing to let the truth get through to him."

Edd agreed. "And the only way to do that is to coax him out of his persona as this Gourd character."

"But how are we going to do that?" Ed asked.

Eddy started rubbing his chin. "I think I have a plan."

Nazz looked to Eddy. "What is it?"

Eddy huddled everyone together in a square along the perimeter of the map. "Okay, so, how about we have Jonny pounce on one of us, while everyone else watches from the sidelines. They'll follow Jonny as he leaves the scene, and they'll figure out how he gets into his hideout."

"If I may interrupt?" All eyes turned to Edd. "What would be the plan for confronting Jonny?"

"Well, the guy's after all of us, especially us three." Eddy pointed to Ed and Edd. "All we'd have to do is look for Jonny, head for wherever we decide to engage him, and put up the best fight we can." He got out his walkie-talkie. "If need be, we can get in touch with the Kankers. Once Jonny's run his course on us, he'll head back to his hiding spot, and all of us will try to see where he goes and how he gets there. Then, once he's gone, we can get in, take a look around, and see what we can find."

Nazz pondered this. "Well, we'd first need to know what Jonny's capable of doing as The Gourd. 'Cuz I mean, we don't want anyone getting hurt any more than they need to be."

Rolf nodded. "And he has already proved capable of besting all five of us together."

Edd pitched an idea. "I'm pretty sure that Jonny has a hiding place somewhere on his property; it's just a matter of figuring out where it is and how to get there. Let's search the premises again and see where Jonny could have a hiding spot."

Jimmy posed an important question. "What if Jonny finds us while we're looking?"

"We'll search in the same pairings as last time and in the same areas. If anyone finds him, just look for me, Ed, or Eddy, and we can notify the Kanker sisters. I wouldn't hold my breath that he'd be able to catch both members of a pair before any of us three become aware of what's happening."

Ed nodded. "Yeah. And if he tries to slip away into his lair, we can follow him in there."

Eddy looked to each of the kids. "So, next stop, Jonny's house?"

"I would believe so."

Kevin picked up the map and rolled it up. "Alright, then. Let's get going."

* * *

Jonny had finished his homework, and was starting back up to see who was in his house.

"Let's check and see, Plank."

He got to the periscope looking at the front door, but there was no one there.

"I don't see anything."

He was about to step away when he saw the door handle jiggle.

"Oop! Someone's coming inside!"

The door opened to reveal the kids and the Eds, led by Edd.

Edd continued speaking as he led the kids inside. "Alright. Now, the entrances will likely be camouflaged, so be sure not to leave any stone unturned. But also be sure not to leave anything displaced in such a way as to make our presence evident to Jonny."

The assembly bumped up against each other as they came to an abrupt stop.

"Mother? Father? What are you doing here?"

"Those are your mama and papa, Double-D Ed-boy?"

"Er, yes, these are my parents."

"Hi, Double D's mom and dad. I'm Nazz."

" _Bonjour._ "

"Good afternoon."

Ed introduced the other kids. "This is Rolf, Kevin, Jimmy, and my baby sister Sarah."

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you all."

Edd repeated his original question. "So, what are you doing in Jonny's house?"

Randall repeated the question. "What are _you_ doing in Jonny's 'ouse, Edward?"

"And with all the other kids, no less?" Cindy added.

Ed answered the pilots. "We're looking for Jonny's hiding place."

Kevin nodded. "Jonny's out to get revenge on us for becoming friends with the Eds."

Edd wedged in a comment to his parents. "And we're trying to explain to him what prompted our newfound friendship."

" _Oui,_ you told us about it last night."

"But that still doesn't explain why you two are in Jonny's house."

"We're waiting for Jonny's parents to come home," Cindy explained, "to either figure out what he's doing or tell them what we know."

"So far," Sarah explained, "we know that he's calling himself The Gourd, and we're trying to figure out what he can do."

Jimmy nodded. "He already managed to glue the five of us together with molasses at the old abandoned house."

"Right now, we're trying to find any kind of hiding places that Jonny could be using," Eddy told the pilots.

Randall gave a small laugh. "Well, if 'e's who you sink 'e is, 'e'd probably be trying to spy on you kids."

"What's your point?" Kevin asked.

"If 'e's only 'unting you down because 'e doesn't know why you're friends wis ze Eds, all you'd 'ave to do is talk about it to yourselves, and 'e'll be listening to what you say and 'ear ze reasons for your newfound friendship."

"Rolf does not believe Jonny the Wood Boy would accept the reasons for our friendship with the Ed-boys as being true."

"Well, 'e was part of ze party zat went to ze amusement park downtown, _non?_ "

Sarah was surprised. "How did you know about that?"

"Ze Kanker sisters told us everysing zat zey knew about ze run to Mondo a-Go Go."

"When?"

"Last night," Cindy responded. "They told us that you'd been hunting down the Eds for a lemonade stand gone wrong, and the Kankers in turn were hunting you down for hunting the Eds."

Randall nodded. " _Oui,_ and zey told us about what 'ad 'appened at ze amusement park."

"Yes. So, anyway, although Jonny was part of the group that chased us to Mondo a-Go Go, he arrived too late to see why the kids became friends with us. And he didn't let anyone tell him what had happened before he gave us a thrashing," Edd gestured to Ed and Eddy, "after which the rest of the kids gave him a thrashing."

Cindy nodded as the words sank in. "Yeah, I don't believe that Jonny would be inclined to believe you if you just walked up to him and just flat out told him after you beat him up for reasons unknown to him."

"And that's exactly the problem we're trying to remedy." Edd looked to the rest of the kids. "Is everyone ready to start searching?"

Kevin nodded. "Let's do it."

As the group started to disperse, Randall beckoned his sock-headed son. "Edward, could we per'aps speak to you _à huis clos_ for a moment?"

Edd turned to Eddy. "If you could wait outside for me. We'll search upstairs once I'm done speaking to Mother and Father."

Eddy shrugged. "Well, we're probably not gonna find an underground tunnel upstairs, so I might as well help Sarah and Jimmy look outside."

As soon as Eddy was out the door and the rest of the kids were busy searching the house, the Daubeldi family went upstairs to talk in private.

* * *

Jonny had witnessed the entire exchange between the kids and Edd's parents through his periscope and was now at his desk talking to Plank.

"The kids all became friends with the Eds because of something we missed?"

He listened as Plank spoke to him.

"Good point. Double D's dad did mention us spying on them, so they could've just said that because they knew we were spying on them."

There was a pause as Jonny got out his writing materials.

"Right. They're looking around for the way into this lair, so we have to be ready for them."

While he was preparing his defense systems, he was missing out on the Daubeldi family's banter.

* * *

The pilots and their son were assembled at the top of the stairs, Edd standing between his parents.

"So, we spoke with the Kankers' mother about an hour ago."

"Yes, you told me about your intention to do so before I went to bed last night. I trust the meeting went well?"

" _Oui,_ it did. Alzough it did take a strange twist about 'alfway srough."

"Oh? How so?"

Cindy moistened her lips. "Well, initially, we were there to inquire about the girls' habits, since although they were working for Eddy's brother until last week, we suspected that you and the other boys were not their first victims."

"What made you say that?"

"We'd 'eard on ze news zat Eddy's brozer 'ad been seen wis lipstick all over 'is body, just as you, Ed, and Eddy 'ad been whenever you 'ad a run-in wis ze Kankers."

"Oh, so you thought that the girls were going after different people as they saw fit?"

" _Oui._ "

"We wanted to know what their mother had done, if anything, to address this behaviour."

"Mother, please. The girls have changed for the better, I assure you."

"Zis 'as nosing to do wis zat, Edward."

Cindy nodded. "As I was saying, she had made attempts to discourage them from going after boys the way she had done. We did try to get an explanation as to how their behaviour was able to persist for so long, but she managed to turn the tables on us."

Edd was confused. "Oh?"

" _Oui._ Because zose sree girls 'ad been sent by Eddy's brozer toward you, Ed, and Eddy, zey were able to create 'avoc for you sree wisout any parents finding out about it, as ze family lifestyles made it all but impossible for ze parents to be made known of ze situation wis ze Kankers."

Edd knew where his father was getting. "Well, I can understand how the lives of Ed's parents would preclude their discovery of May's interactions with their son; from Ed's description of the line of discipline in his household, Ed's mother always sides with Sarah, and Ed's father always isolates himself from the family. Eddy spent much of his youth echoing the behaviours of his brother, who appears to have tormented him for as long as they were together, and his parents likely assumed that there was no way to reform him from his brother's influence; add that to the fact that they hired Nazz to babysit him one night, and it would appear that they wouldn't take him seriously if he tried to tell them about Lee, instead holding him responsible for whatever happened. Though I can't really understand how Marie could go after me without any comeuppance from you two, or even how our relationship could be considered negative in any way."

Cindy gave a hard swallow. "Well, according to the Kankers' mother, your decision to befriend Ed and Eddy was due to our constant absence from the house, combined with the fact that most of our sticky note messages to you were on the subject of chores."

Edd didn't know what to say. "Well, Eddy was the first person who asked me to be his friend, and I thought it would be the first of many steps toward getting to know the rest of the kids."

Randall polished his glasses. "She also made ze statement zat you were being influenced to never stand up for yourself no matter ze consequences."

Cindy nodded. "And that was why you continued working together with Ed and Eddy, even when it was clear that your projects were headed for disaster."

Edd was confused. "I'm not sure I'm quite following what you're saying."

"You haven't been standing up for yourself, and the Kankers' mother thinks that we're a big part of the reason why."

"How do you mean?"

Randall adjusted himself on the stairs. "Son, we want you to be one 'undred percent honest wis us about 'ow you feel. _Dame_ Kanker 'as told us zat we 'ave'nt been ze best parents to you zat we could've been, and we're 'oping to make amends in zis regard."

Cindy nodded. "First and foremost was our decision to switch your gender to male."

Edd seated himself on the edge of the top step in the middle. "I have made it clear that I don't like being a male. Which isn't to say I've not grown used to it. The pink streaks in my hair have made it possible for me to cope with being a boy, and it seemed the best way to assert myself given the circumstances of my surroundings."

" _Je vois._ " Randall cleared his throat. "Now, don't sink for a second zat I'm attempting to dissuade you from your interests at 'eart when I say zis, but would you be willing to do away wis your pink 'air if you 'ad more control of your family life? Ze reason zat I'm asking is zat zere aren't likely to be any places zat would be willing to 'ire someone wis pink 'air, so you might want to do away wis your pink 'air before you start looking for work in your later years."

Edd pondered this. "I suppose I could do away with my pink hair if I had more control of my life. I might continue wearing something on my head out of sheer habit, be it this hat or some other, but I'd be willing to remove it if necessary."

Cindy brushed a lock of hair from her face. "She also made a point about our system of sticky note chores, that we were seeing you as a maid or a butler rather than a son."

"Well, I'm a person that likes to be organised, so the only chores that give me problems are ones that require a great deal of physical labor, such as mowing the lawn."

Randall remembered the last time he made that request. "Did zis 'ave anysing to do wis ze cul-de-sac getting overgrown wis grass?"

Edd nodded. "Ed had mowed the lawn for me, but as I anticipated, he made a wreck out of the backyard. So, Eddy brought in a large sack of fertiliser, which Ed shoveled all over the neighbourhood, and Eddy hatched an idea of using Rolf's goat, Victor, to clear it away." He adjusted himself on the coffee table before asking "Out of curiosity, how did you hear about that?"

Cindy answered him. "Janine told us about Sarah and Jimmy being showered with manure, and that you, Ed, and Eddy were riding or chasing a goat through the cul-de-sac as the goat was eating the overgrown grass."

Randall got back on topic. "Anyways, we understand zat yard work isn't your _tasse de thé_. And per'aps daily chores are asking too much. But when we come 'ome, we can't 'ave too many _choses_ laying around zat can make it _difficile_ to keep track of our belongings."

"Well, like I said, I always strive for neatness whenever possible, so the sticky notes are more a means of keeping track of was I've done and not done." Edd straightened his shirt. "But like I said, I don't possess the physical capacity for yard work. And after what Ed did to the backyard, I'm reluctant to ask him for help in those chores."

Cindy looked to Randall. "I suppose we should get in touch with Chris and Janine once we're done with Jonny and/or his parents."

Edd looked down the staircase. "Well, I do believe I should aid in the search for Jonny's lair. If we cross paths again, and there's something on your minds, just let me know."

Randall nodded. "We will."

With that, Edd went outside to look for Eddy.

* * *

While all this was going on, Ed and Rolf were scouring the basement.

"That's a no-go on the faucet, Rolf." Ed turned off the sink next to the washing machine.

"Rolf found nothing on any of the bookshelves." He ran his hand along the wall. "Check around for loose stones."

"I'm on it, Rolf!" Ed brought his hand up.

"Without breaking the blocks that are firmly in place!" Rolf quickly reminded him.

"Like this?" Ed laid his fingertips on a brick and slowly swept them along the wall.

"Yes, Ed-boy. Gentle as the feathers of a chicken."

"I love chickens." Ed started feeling around for anything loose on the walls.

* * *

At the same time, Edd was outside getting up to speed with Jimmy, Sarah, and Eddy.

"Yeah, so we were looking at the tree, since it had a giant Jonny doll on a swing." Eddy gave the mannequin a soft push.

"We couldn't find anything at the base of the tree." Jimmy pointed up. "So, we were going to climb up the tree to see if we could find anything up there."

Edd examined the swing. "Well, I suppose we could use the rope from this swing to get up there. But first,..." he gave a few tugs on the rope and then dangled his own weight from the rope.

"Okay, it appears we have a sturdy enough rope we can - " he was interrupted by the swing pulling itself up, along with Edd, and dropping an empty swing in its place.

Sarah looked at the empty swing. "Yep. I think we're close to the secret door."

Eddy called up the tree. "See anything, Double D?"

"Just a bird nest with some eggs in it." Edd probed the nest in question.

Eddy sat down on the empty swing. "Alright. Everyone grab onto the ropes."

Sarah and Jimmy each grabbed a rope before Jimmy looked up into the tree. "Did you make it up there okay, Double D?"

"Oh, yes. A tad shaken, but I'm perfectly okay."

"Okay. Going up!" Eddy tugged at the rope a few times before it retracted into the tree with all three kids in tow, dropping the other swing in its place sporting the fake Jonny and Plank.

As they recuperated from the upward fall, Edd was busy scrutinizing the trunk of the tree. "There must be something up here that would provide access to a secret place."

Eddy looked around the area. "I think we'd need to find a switch to open any doors."

Sarah sat down on the branch. "Are you sure there's a door around here? It doesn't look like a good way into a secret lair."

Edd turned to face the redhead. "Well, considering that the swing had a decoy Jonny and Plank, and that it pulled us up into the tree's branches, it would seem evident that there exists some sort of hiding spot somewhere in here. Now, whether it's simply a makeshift strongbox or a secret entrance, that's what I intend to discern."

Eddy shrugged. "The only thing I can see here is a bird nest." He gently nudged it with his foot, encountering strong resistance from the nest. "What th - ?"

Jimmy watched as Eddy attempted to move the nest, to no avail. "Aren't bird eggs usually blue, not white?"

Eddy didn't react to Jimmy's question. "I swear, if this is going to turn out like that stuck quarter on the sidewalk, - "

Jimmy reached into the nest and started moving the eggs, meeting resistance from the one in the middle. A few seconds of prodding popped the top off, revealing a red button inside.

Naturally, Eddy was inclined to press it, and he did.

Suddenly, the tree opened up, confirming Edd's suspicions of a secret door.

Edd looked to Jimmy. "Did you touch something?"

"There was a button hidden in one of the eggs in the nest."

Edd looked through the door. "Well, this appears to be empty, so I'm inclined to believe that this is an elevator."

Eddy jumped on Edd's head. "Whoa! This is so cool!"

He jumped inside and started pressing buttons inside, against Edd's warnings.

There was only room for one person in the elevator, which closed on Eddy before Edd could get Eddy out.

He promptly whipped out his walkie-talkie. "Hello? Anyone please answer! This is Double D; we've lost Eddy!"


	24. Part 4, Chapter 6

**Part IV: Where There's a Will, There's an Ed**  
Chapter Six

* * *

Edd's calls were answered by Ed. " _Where are you, Double D?_ "

"We're in the tree in Jonny's yard. We've just discovered a secret entrance to Jonny's lair."

Jimmy pressed the button again, hoping to summon the elevator back up again. It returned, but Eddy was gone.

"Where are you right now, Ed?"

" _In the basement with Rolf. We're looking for any secret passages there._ "

Rolf's voice wedged in. " _So far, the search has been fruitless._ "

Edd radioed to Ed. "Alright, well, both of you, go find Kevin and Nazz and bring them out to the tree in the yard."

" _Wilco roger, Double D!_ "

Edd headed for the open door in the tree. "I'm going in to look for Eddy. If any of the Kankers are hearing this, and you don't hear from me or Eddy in ten minutes, we'll probably need your help."

Marie's voice sounded from Edd's walkie-talkie. " _Loud and clear. Time starts now._ "

"Here I go." Edd entered the elevator, which closed around him.

* * *

Edd's parents were upstairs writing a sticky note for Jonny's parents.

 _To Mr. and Mrs. Toubai-Fower:_

 _Our son and his friends have told us that your son is up to something. We would like to request a meeting with you and your son to discuss this._

 _From, Randall and Cindy Daubeldi_

They left the note on the appropriate bedroom door and headed downstairs, passing Ed, Rolf, Nazz, and Kevin on the way out of the house.

Nazz looked to the pilots. "Weren't you going to talk to Jonny's parents?"

"We left a sticky note on the bedroom door for them so that they can contact us when they get home."

" _Oui_ , we 'ave to be ready to leave tomorrow morning, and it's starting to get quite late."

"You kids should probably be ready to go to bed soon; after all, tonight's a school night."

"We will."

" _Très bien._ "

With that, the groups parted ways, Edd's parents to their house, the kids to the tree to meet with Jimmy and Sarah.

* * *

Edd emerged from the elevator in total darkness, lit only by the open elevator. He could hear laughter echoing through the area, which he recognized as Jonny. He followed the sound through the darkness, keeping a hand on the wall at all times.

"Looks like we've caught a spy in our lair, Timber."

"Why you little - !" Eddy's grunts were evidence that he was restrained.

"Yes, yes. Struggle all you want. But there's no escape from these bonds."

Edd saw a spot of light in the floor, and upon reaching it, finding himself overlooking a large pit.

At the bottom, he could see Eddy shackled to a wooden slab from a tree trunk. A dark figure with a squash on his head was pacing in front of Eddy; it was obvious the figure was Jonny.

"I must admit, it was quite a bold move to try and infiltrate our lair. Too bad you were no match for my trusty sidekick, Timber."

"Jonny, you better let me out of here, or I'll - " A smack to the face silenced Eddy.

"Gourd. Call me The Gourd."

Eddy let out a grumble.

"As I was saying, with you at my mercy, it's only a matter of time before your friend stealing sidekicks come and rescue you. And when they do, we'll be ready."

"Hey, you're the one that beat us up at that amusement park!"

"No. That was Captain Melonhead. That man is dead. I am The Gourd! I will have my vengeance!"

Edd watched as Jonny disappeared from view and reappeared with a tub of greenish-orange glop.

"Our first order of business will be rotten pumpkin flesh." He placed the tub in front of Eddy.

Edd wasn't sure if Jonny had a trap ready for him or if he was too busy with Eddy. But he knew that the way he and Eddy came in would only allow one person in at a time, granting Jonny opportunity to trap anyone who he caught in his lair. He knew that he wouldn't be able to use his walkie-talkie while he was underground, so he wouldn't be able to tell anyone what was happening.

He started probing around for any other ways into the lair.

* * *

Above ground, all the other kids were gathered at the tree. Kevin had been looking at his watch, which showed that 10 minutes had come and gone since Edd had entered Jonny's lair.

Nazz looked around the area. "It shouldn't be too long before the Kanker sisters get here."

Ed looked up the tree where Sarah and Jimmy were. "Where's Double D and Eddy?"

His sister explained. "They both went into an elevator inside this tree."

Jimmy pressed the button to bring the elevator open. "See it?"

As soon as it did, Ed started climbing up the tree. "Wait for me, guys!"

Jimmy sealed the door before Ed could reach it.

Ed sliding back down to the ground was punctuated by the Kankers' arrival.

Lee was the first to speak. "So, what's going on?"

Ed answered her. "Double D and Eddy found Jonny's secret lair."

Kevin nodded. "Yeah, the entrance is up that tree where Sarah and Jimmy are."

Sarah waved to the new arrivals. "Yeah, there's a button in this bird nest that opens an elevator to the underground lair. Eddy went in first, and Double D went in after to look for him."

Marie nodded. "I see. Well, if we're going to go down there to see what they're going through, we'll need to find a way in that all eight of us can take at once."

May brought up an important detail. "But considering the fact that Jonny's lair is made for only one person, the tree may be the only way in there."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that." Lee started walking around the yard. "He'd have to have multiple ways into his lair so that he doesn't seal himself out when one door doesn't open."

Kevin followed Lee as she scoured the lawn. "Well, where would those entrances be?"

Rolf nodded. "Chicken-lover Ed-boy searched the cellar with Rolf and found nothing that could allow access to an underground lair."

Ed stood on a stump in the yard. "Yeah, we couldn't find anything in the basement that could take us to - " He was cut off by the top of the stump flipping over, dropping him down a long tunnel.

May quickly ran to the stump that ate her boyfriend. "ED!"

The others surrounded the stump, confounded by the sudden disappearance of the 112-pound monster fan.

Marie broke the stunned silence. "I think we've found a way in."

Jimmy looked around the group. "Do we follow Ed, then?"

Lee shook her head. "We first gotta make sure this goes where we want it to go."

"And how are we going to do that?" Nazz asked.

Marie offered a suggestion. "We could use a rope to lower someone down into the tunnel, and then we can use it to climb back out of the hole and report the findings."

Nazz wasn't sure about the idea. "That would still leave us vulnerable to Jonny if it does lead to his lair."

"We'll decide who goes down once we find enough rope." Lee headed for the street. "We'll probably find some in the junkyard."

May waved the others after Lee. "Let's get searching."

* * *

Down below, Jonny was torturing Eddy. He had bound him to one end of a vertical seesaw and had him poised above the vat of rotten pumpkin flesh, ready to paddle him into the goop.

"Now then... let's get started, shall we?"

"Get me down from here!"

"Once you tell me where your friends are."

"Why should I?"

Jonny loosened his grip on the rope fixed to the other end of the seesaw, sending Eddy facefirst into the rotten pumpkin flesh.

"That's why." He pulled the seesaw back up and repeated his question. "Now, where's Ed and Double D?"

Eddy spat out the bits in his mouth. "That's disgusting!"

"Tell me where Ed and Double D are, and I won't drop you again."

"Never!"

Another drop. This time, Eddy braced himself by holding his breath.

Jonny pulled him out again. "Where are they?!"

A thud from the middle of the chamber prevented Eddy from responding. All eyes turned toward the noise to behold one of the spinning chairs in the middle of the room laying on the floor, blown off its mount from underneath.

The shape of the dent in the dislodged mount left no doubt who had burst through.

"Ed?" Eddy saw the stupidly strong lump lying on his back.

He quickly got to his feet. "Whoa, way big!" He ran to the tunnel he came through. "ECHO!"

 _ECHO!_

 _ECHO!_

 _ECHO!_

 _ECHO!_

 _ECHO!_

"Hold this, Timber." Jonny used Plank to hold the rope in place before advancing on Ed.

He spun around in a flash, inadvertently knocking Jonny up to the ceiling in the process.

"Unhand the prisoner, evil sorcerer!" He looked around to see that Jonny had vanished.

"Ed! Get me down from here, will ya?"

"Eddy!" Ed ran over and glomped on Eddy, breaking the seesaw and sending them both to the floor, safely out of the way of the stinky slop.

"Ed?" Eddy groaned. "As much as I love that you got me off of that thing,... _could you please get off of me now?!_ "

Jonny found himself on the ledge overlooking the lair, recuperating to see that he had landed at Edd's feet.

The sock-headed Briton held a foot on Jonny's upper back, pinning him to the floor.

"Hey, let me go!"

Ed's voice sounded from below. "Oh, look! It's Plank!"

Eddy's voice followed. "Hey, Jonny, where'd you go?"

Edd called to them. "He's up here, fellows."

The sound of Ed and Eddy going up the stairs started up from the bottom of the pit.

Jonny managed to throw off Edd just as Ed pinned him down by his arms and legs.

"Thank you, Ed." Edd stood up and headed for the elevator. "You two keep him contained; I'll go for the others."

Ed looked to Edd as he started walking. "There's another entrance in a tree stump in the yard."

"Again, thank you."

"Here, take this." Eddy handed Plank to Edd.

Edd took Plank with some hesitation. "Erm,..."

"He won't know what to do without that hunk of wood."

Edd shrugged and headed for the elevator, leaving Ed and Eddy to watch over Jonny.

* * *

Edd made his way onto the tree branch, and was surprised to see the front yard empty.

He promptly got onto his walkie-talkie. "Erm, Marie?"

There was a moment's pause before the goth girl answered. " _Is that you, Double D?_ "

"Er, yes. I found Ed and Eddy in Jonny's lair."

Lee's voice sounded next. " _So, he does have a secret lair, huh?_ "

"Yes, he does. Jonny's being contained by Ed, and Eddy gave me Plank before I left."

Then came May. " _You saw Big Ed in there, too?_ "

"Yes. He told me there was a second entrance hidden in a tree stump."

Marie was back on. " _Yeah, he found that way in by accident._ "

"So, where is everyone now?"

" _We were heading to the junkyard to look for rope so we could see where the tunnel went to that Ed fell down._ "

"It leads to the same place as the elevator; to Jonny's lair. Although the bottom end appeared to be capped with one or two chairs, and Ed hit his head on the way in."

" _Does that mean we can't go in that way?_ " May asked.

"I'll just have Ed or Eddy open the bottom hatch to facilitate an infiltration into Jonny's lair. Just wait until I say it's safe to go down there. I'm going back in to make sure the hatches are opened."

" _Thanks, Cutie Pie._ "

With that, Edd set Plank down in the fake bird nest and went back down the elevator.

* * *

The kids had turned around and were headed back to Jonny's house.

"So, like, what do you think Ed, Edd, n Eddy were doing in Jonny's lair?" Nazz asked.

Kevin shrugged. "Well, from what Double D told the Kankers, it sounds like Ed's holding Jonny down in his lair, and Eddy's there in case he does somehow get loose from Ed."

May giggled. "Big Ed's a pretty strong guy."

"Yet somehow, he was not able to break the bonds when you tied him to a tree and the Urban Rangers attempted to rescue him."

Rolf's recollection prompted Sarah to question the sisters. "I still want to know what's got you girls so transformed from tormenting the Eds to being nice to them in one night."

None of the girls had a chance to answer before Jimmy announced "We're here!"

Edd had re-emerged from the elevator in the tree and was now climbing down with Plank in hand. "The bottom hatch is open now. So, where's the stump?"

"Right here." Marie walked over to it, and the rest of the kids surrounded it.

Edd examined the stump. "So, how does this thing open?"

May pushed down on top of the stump, and it flipped around until it was balanced over the middle of the tunnel entrance.

"Alright, then." Edd approached the open stump. "I'll go first, and everyone else will follow once I say it's safe to go down."

Lee looked around to the rest of the kids. "And don't everyone jump down at once."

"Thank you, Lee." Edd climbed up the edge of the stump and slid down the tunnel.

The others waited for a few seconds as the sound of Edd's sliding rose from the tunnel.

Until they heard Edd ask "Alright, who's next?"

Jimmy leaned over the hole. "Can we do two at a time?"

"I reckon the best option would be one after the other, but if you and Sarah want to go next, you can."

Sarah walked up to the stump. "I'll go in front of you, Jimmy."

The two youngsters slid down the tunnel, meeting Edd at the bottom.

Rolf went after them, followed by Kevin and Nazz, and finally the Kanker sisters.

* * *

Edd led the group up the stairs to where Ed and Eddy were still holding Jonny in place. They all surrounded the boy on the floor, who was picked up and held onto by Ed.

Kevin grabbed Jonny's right arm, Rolf grabbed his left arm, the Eds grabbed his left leg, and the Kankers grabbed his right leg. Nazz was placed in charge of Plank, and Sarah and Jimmy took to Jonny's sides.

"Let go of me! Get out of my lair!" Jonny struggled to get loose, but it was no use.

"Dude, we're trying to explain what's going on between all of us." Nazz stepped between the Eds and the Kankers with Plank in hand.

"Gimme back my pal!" Jonny struggled harder, but was still unable to break loose.

"We will once we've told you everything."

Kevin nodded. "We're gonna tell you why we became friends with the Eds."

Jonny tugged himself to bring his hand closer to Ed. "Plank! Gimme a hand here!"

Everyone knew better than to mock Jonny's helplessness.

"Are you going to listen to us, Jonny?" Sarah asked.

"What's that, Plank?" Jonny looked to the wooden board in Nazz's hands. "Call it off?"

Nazz glanced at Plank. "Call what off?"

"What happened last time?"

The kids were unsure of what to say.

"Oh, right." He opened his hand, but no one saw anything drop out of it.

They decided not to ask what it was.

Sarah repeated herself. "Are you going to listen to us, Jonny?"

Jonny was cut short from answering by a sudden scream from Nazz.

"Splinter!" She had dropped Plank and was holding her left hand, her protruding thumb indicating where the splinter was.

"Nazz!" Kevin let go of Jonny's arm to see to Nazz.

The distraction gave Jonny an opportunity to lunge at Rolf, twisting his wrist and pulling himself free of Rolf's other hand.

Now, it was only the Eds holding one leg and the Kankers holding the other leg.

Jonny managed to grab the railing, pulling the pair of trios along with him as he hoisted himself over the edge of the pit.

Ed and May were able to hold both groups in place, keeping them from falling down and leaving Jonny dangling upside-down over his scheming quarters.

Jonny started flailing about, struggling to pull loose from the dozen hands that were holding onto his legs. As he pulled himself further and further down into the pit, the group of six pinned themselves on the railing to hold themselves in place.

Eddy watched as Jonny pulled himself lower and lower. "What's he doing?"

Marie looked to him. "What do you mean?"

"There's nothing down there he can use against any of us; he's running himself into a corner."

May didn't think so. "He can probably get out through the tunnel we came in through."

Kevin walked to the railing. "But we still got Plank up here, so he'll probably want to get him back before he tries to escape."

Edd considered what Jonny was doing. "I think he's currently fixated on getting himself loose from our grip so that he can rescue Plank."

Jonny managed to reach his desk and retrieve something from one of the drawers. Upon acquisition of the item, he released his grip, slingshotting himself into the crowd and knocking them over like bowling pins.

Jimmy was the only one that wasn't in Jonny's path, and he rushed over to the group before slipping on Plank.

The board promptly hit Jonny in the head, leading Kevin to burst out laughing.

Nazz had managed to get the splinter out of her hand at that point. "Dude, what just happened?"

Jonny burst out of the mess of toppled kids and scurried down the stairs to his lair. "You haven't seen the last of us!"

He disappeared down the chute, leaving the kids to leave via the elevator.

"Well, that was..." Edd got to his feet, "...eventful. Now what are we going to do?"

Lee shrugged. "I guess we just wait for another chance to find that crazy kid."

Once the Eds and the Kankers were the only ones left, Marie asked a pressing question to Edd.

"So, wait - what happened when you got here?"

"Well, when I got in there, I saw Jonny torturing Eddy into telling him where Ed and I were until Ed burst in and rescued him. He'd sent Jonny up to the balcony where I was, and I held him down while Ed and Eddy came up to confront him."

"Dang!" Marie adjusted her headphones. "That must've taken guts."

"Yes, well, after meeting Eddy's brother, I did see to it that I should learn to me more assertive." He watched as May followed Ed to the elevator. "And with Eddy's scamming apparently coming to a close, that shouldn't be a problem."

"Yeah, well," Marie gave Edd a one-armed hug, "no matter how much you change, you'll always be my favorite guy in the whole world."

"Yes. And even if Mother and Father don't see you as an ideal life partner, I'm sure we can make things work out between us as long as we take it one small step at a time."

Lee and Eddy disappeared up the elevator, leaving Edd and Marie the last ones remaining in Jonny's lair.

The blue-haired girl released Edd from her grip. "I really hope all three of us can be together with the three of you."

"We'll all focus on our own partners, and take them at a pace that's comfortable for each of us."

"Right. I say we focus on our future together once we sort out the mess with Jonny."

"Sounds reasonable. There's no point in racking oneself with too many objectives than can be effectively managed."

The elevator returned for Edd and Marie.

"We'll keep in touch, Oven Mitt."

"Indeed."

* * *

All the kids retreated to their homes to gather up their thoughts, their day's energy expended from the encounter with Jonny.

Jonny's parents had arrived home shortly afterward, and after finding the sticky note left by Edd's parents, went off to fulfill its contents. Roger went looking for Jonny, while Mable went to Edd's house in search of Randall and Cindy.

Mable rang the doorbell, summoning the pilots to their front porch.

" _Bonjour._ You are Mable Toubai?"

"Yes. I found a note saying that you wanted to talk to us."

Cindy nodded. "Come inside and have a seat."

The group gathered in the living room, the pilots sitting on the couch and Mable taking one of the armchairs.

"So, as soon as Jonny and Roger get here, we can start the meeting?"

Randall nodded. " _Oui._ "

"Alright. Well, he's back at the house looking for Jonny, so he should be here before too long." She looked around the room. "Although I suppose we could take this time to get familiar with one another, since I haven't actually had the chance to talk to either of you."

"Yes, well, you can probably tell from our attire that we're both airline pilots." Cindy showed off the bars on her shoulders. "We moved to Peach Creek from England and France, transferring from Ryanair to Delta Airlines in the process."

Randall nodded. " _Oui._ So, ze majority of ze time, we're out flying airplanes, and stops in Seattle generally 'appen once a week. Zat leaves us to lay out sticky notes for ze week for Edward during ze nights zat we're 'ere, and we're usually gone by ze next morning."

"Although this week, we have a little extra time here. And with the recent developments, we want to make the most of it before we have to fly out again."

Mable was confused. "Recent developments?"

"Zere 'ad been an accident last week, and we 'ave reason to believe zat all ze kids in ze neighbor'ood were involved in some fashion or ozer. For ze time being, all we're interested in is assessing reports from our son and 'is new friends about your son, Jonny, and be'aviors zat we sink require close scrutiny."

The doorbell rang, signalling the arrival of Roger Fower. Randall opened the door for him and escorted him to the living room.

Only when the man sat down in another armchair did Cindy realize... "Where's Jonny?"

Roger shrugged. "He wasn't anywhere to be found in the house."

Randall sighed. " _Peu importe._ We can suffice talking to just ze two of you."

Mable licked her lips. "So, what did you want to talk to us about?"

Cindy cleared her throat. "Our son and his friends tell us that your son has been up to some strange behaviours which we think must be brought to your attention..."

* * *

What they didn't know was that Jonny had hidden himself in Ed's house, entering through the bedroom window and hiding in the washing machine. Ed had spent the rest of the afternoon playing with Sarah and Jimmy, and so his presence went unnoticed by anyone in the house.

As soon as night fell and Ed was asleep, he snuck into the bedroom and made off with his shoes. After disappearing under the stairs with them, he returned them where he found them before disappearing out the window.

The seeds had been sewn, and disaster was imminent.


End file.
